I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

Charbon - I take the DC to the pub regually. Early evenings, sunday afternoons. They enjoy it.

It comes down to this....

If he was a good man then he wouldnt have responded to the OW/ OP in the way he did. He ISNT a decent man so now is having (as far as he is concerned) an email affair that he is hoping will become something more.

I have always felt that there is absolutely nothing wrong with honey traps, because decent men dont fall for them. And he did, so imo the Op should get rid.

As the wife of a man who had a sexting affair, who managed to convince himself and tried to convince me, that it wasnt really an affair as they hadnt had sex, I can tell you that he is currently making it ok in his head. In his head it just a bit of fun, isnt really cheating as he hasnt had sex/met her etc, is ok because its a distraction and what the wife doesnt know wont hurt her. The only way he will realise that it isnt just a game is when the OP goes apeshit. Then he will finally admit to what his own personal Jiminy Cricket has been telling him, ie that he has been cheating.

Where they go from there is up to the OP.

charbon our local is a very family pub. It has a lovely playground outside and in our small village, is the best place for families to meet up for a nice afternoon. Taking the kids to the pub isnt the worst thing you can do!

OP, you are being cruel.

Not to your husband; he's an adult, he's made his choices. But you are prolonging this bizarre game, and you admit yourself that he feels guilty and you feel stressed and upset over all this. You are forcing your children to grow up in a horrible situation where they see tense, terse relationships as the norm.

Just tell him you know, and get it the fuck over with because, take it from me, this could really mess up your kids.

Bogey the OP has said that her and her DCs were inside the pub and that it was around 5.30p.m as per his arrangement to E mail the 'OW'.

Being cooped up in a pub on a dark winter's evening with DCs who were by the the OP's admission getting so tired that she had to be persuaded to take them home, isn't quite the same as spending a sunny afternoon in a delightful play area. How on earth a baby can 'enjoy' that is beyond me.....I feel bloody sorry for the kids locked into this mess .

I also feel sorry for the children in this relationship, but i dont have a problem with them being taken to a child friendly pub for a couple of hours.

I don't blame you, OP, but i think it might be time now to stop it. Are you going to leave him?

Awww dammandblast, I'm still here, catching up on how things are going. I really feel for you. Take good care x x I have no advice now, just wanted to let you know a stranger is seeing it all through with you.

Been following this from start OP. I feel for you very much. I think it might help to look at the simple picture here, because it seems you're tying yourself in knots. Disregard the rainbow of opinions on this thread for a moment and think clearly. You are in the best position to know what he is thinking and if you truly believe he thinks this woman is for real then ...

The simple fact is - he has had a sexting affair which he has chickened out of taking any further.

He got cold feet about meeting her, when it was offered to him, and no real life woman would enourage him after that any more than you already have, so if i were a real sexting affair it would dying a natural death now i recon.

So ... you've seen what he would do in this situation. You have your information. You just have to decide now if you can live with/forgive someone who is capable of this kind of unfaithfullness.

If you decide you cant forgive this then you need to just get on with splitting up with him right now. Dont use him financially, preserve your dignity, and finish what you started.

If you decide you do want to stay with him i think you have to come clean, and accept the fact that he's going to be angry and ashamed and the relationship my fail anyway becasue of what you have both done.

This really is a case of a 'can of worms', OP. Good luck.

"I have always felt that there is absolutely nothing wrong with honey traps, because decent men dont fall for them. And he did, so imo the Op should get rid."

THIS!!

OP had reasons for distrust which her DP knew about.

My EXH did the same (in reverse) to me after we had seperated (So I feel no guilt!)

OP now is time to stop.

Best of luck!
x

There seems to be a female equivalent of the madonna/whore complex about men on MN. There are either "good men" who are perfect in every way or "twunts/tossers/cocklodgers etc" who are clearly sinners.

Most people fall in the middle of those two stools. I suspect some of those who condemn the OP's husband most strongly are those who realise that they might be temptable in the right situation. Clearly not in the same way, as they would consider it risky or tacky but, given the right situation and the right man, who knows? The articles that I have read about those honey trap organisations seem normally able to entrap married women. They research them carefully and create a persona who fits in with their "ideal man" and appears so much nicer than their "ordinary" and ageing husbands.

As Shakespeare, and latterly Rumpole, liked to say: "the quality of mercy is never strained". I think that is particularly appropriate to this thread. To the OP, I would say have a decent and human conversation with your partner, attend counselling if necessary and try to get over this whole horrible event. Your husband, at heart, seems a decent but flawed man. To the "tricoteuses" on this thread, can you not at least acknowledge that entrapment is not normal or sensible behaviour?

I wouldnt tell him what you have been doing, he will turn the whole thing round and blame you, he might even say he knew it was you all along.

Larry, with all due respect, calling people tricoteuses is not a far cry from the black-and-white views to which you seem to take such exception.

The OP can't turn back time. The thread is not really about whether what she did was right or wrong - more what she should do now. As many other posters have said. I think that continuing down this route will hurt her - and potentially her DC more.

However, she can't scrub what she knows out of her brain. And I don't agree that her partner 'seems a decent but flawed man'. I think that the past events OP has described and the way he has responded to the emails are worrying, upsetting and confusing actions, and don't square with my idea of how a 'decent' partner behaves. Particularly when it's touching on an area that is clearly so sensitive for the OP because of her history. He has hardly covered himself in glory on the mercy front, has he?

I do agree with you that the OP should have an open and frank conversation with her partner, for her own sake and sanity as much as anything.

Sorry to talk about you in the third person, OP. I hope that you find a way through this.

op, you have to stop this.

he is weak, and not to be trusted in the first instance.he has proved this, before you had your dc, and now. he is having an 'emotional/text' affair.

its NOT NORMAL!!!!! Move into your house, then dump him.

If this is for real, you need help op. seriously. It's not normal to do things like this. Stop looking to eastenders or Jeremy Kyle for relationship guidance.

Tbh I think you're enjoying the drama (and this thread).

I wont be emailing him again or replying to any from him - I cant do it anymore, I have felt sick for days, my head hurts and my insides ache. I am struggling to eat and feel shaky and torn between what I know he is doing/what hes like and how nice and attentive he is being - its like he is two seperate people.

I spoke to him a little this morning, I wanted to give him a chance to confess because I think if he came to me and said he was sorry but he had made a mistake, with couselling and time we might be able to get past it. He thinks I am worried about moving house. I said it was a good start to the new year and it would be nice to have a fresh start and put the past behind us. He said it would too, that it would be a proper family home and that possibly we could get engaged etc, I said that I would have to be completely sure about our relationship for that to happen and that I still felt wobbly sometimes about what he did last year when I was pregnant, that there should be no secrets - He swore that was a one off, that he had seen how much he had hurt me and would never do anything like that again because he loved me more that I knew. I said I knew he did and that I made the choice at the time to trust him and that I loved him too

And now he has gone out and i'm sat here in tears wishing I could turn back time.

:( im so sorry that this is happening to you, do you really think he will not do this again? I agree with what you have done and i think i would tell him you have checked the phone bill online. Do not tell him it was you because he will just lie and say he knew and was playing along.

I think you need to get it out in the open, damm, and talk to him honestly. This is doing you no good. Conversations like that are only going to make things more tangled and confusing.

Reading some of what other people are saying has changed my mind a bit. I really agree with what 'mistyO' said. In truth, a real woman would stop now, so nothing has actually 'happened' and he has not 'fallen in love'. There is a huge amount of sexual addiction in this world, but it is not love, so you don't need to feel he loves someone else, although this sexting thing was highly disrespectful to you. It is really hurtful...but it is your decision on how you want to act now. Act with honour, compassion and dignity for yourself. It's going to be hard, I know...

Have just read this whole thread and while I agree that people are rarely all good or all bad, a decent man who loves you would not say cruel, nasty things about you. There is such a huge lack of respect for you here, that I honestly don't see how you stay in the relationship and recover from it, unless you are very skilled at self delusion.

A fundamentally decent person might (and I'm not convinced, personally) have an affair, but a fundamentally decent person doesn't talk about fucking his wife, while thinking of the OW, doesn't say his wife 'used to be pretty' etc - there is nothing decent in that at all. It really doesn't matter how loving he behaves towards you OP, what counts is what he's saying about you, to the woman he's hoping to shag.

I'd move into my house, then end the relationship. I wouldn't tell him the truth, it will just allow him to put the blame back onto you and this relationship is ending because of how he conducted himself. You really are much better off without him.

I feel awful for you.

I can see why you did what you did. You have been hurt before by your ex, you had your trust broken again by dp and I can see you did this as perhaps a final straw test. Your dp had indeed lied on two occasions so I don't feel this was quite the wicked test some believe as he had already revealed a deceitful nature.

But back then you were vunreable, you were carrying his baby. Now you probably feel time to stop putting your head in the sand and find out once and for all what type of man this truly is.

I don't believe you to be manipulative as I believe you were hoping this test would actually confirm once and for all this man was not rotten to the core but rather had made a few human errors, learned from them and moved on.

I think what you have found has confirmed your worst fears once and for all.

What will you do? Do you love him still in spite of this or has this been the final nail in the coffin?

You said it, you made the decision to trust him and move on but you didn't.

You concocted this nasty plot. You know him so well, how to get to him. That's probably why he reacted how he did. He was actually talking to you! You deliberately with insider knowledge gave him his exact fantasy. I wonder how many men and women could honestly say....they may not get swept up in it. If their dw/dh perfected turned up! You are naturally attracted to people who remind you of ones you love.

You designed the convos to reel him in, you know him, he was talking to you, do you not think that was part of the attraction? What's the chances a random stranger would be able to push his buttons like that, you don't know. He got carried away for a few days and has now hit it on the head.

You play with fire you are gonna get burnt. Unless you sort your issues out, you are going to from man to man to man, playing stupid games to get them to prove themselves and you will get hurt.

Why? Because all men have weaknesses, they aren't all perfect. Larry had it spot on actually. They are either a tosser or perfect. Life isn't like that.

I don't see why you just don't come out with it, ok this guy has his weaknesses but so do you. You have behaved pretty badly. He seems to actually love you, why don't you try and speak and sort it out like grown ups, for your dc's sake?

This relationship IS totally doomed. You have both been as bad as eachother. You for luring him in and keep the deceit going. Him for falling for temptation for some "innocent" text flirt. You look at him and how attentive he is, saying he is like a split personality, but so are YOU! You are both deceiving each other!
If you were to come clean, I think there are some pretty big chances that HE will in fact dump you for what YOU have done. End this now and move on, stop the lies and the game play.

Been reading this thread with a mixture of interest and sadness. To a certain extent, yes, you brought this situation on yourself. But I TOTALLY understand why you were insecure and why you felt the need to check to make sure your DP was trustworthy.

Ironically, it's your last post that makes me want to tell you that your relationship is over. Up until now, his behaviour could with great difficulty be put down to starting something stupid because he was flattered and weak.

However, he has just looked you in the eye and promised you that the crap from when you were pregnant was a one off and that he'd never do that to you again while he's doing it to you again

I really feel for you