I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

I havent had chance to read all the posts, I am just up making a cup of tea before going back to trying to get DC to sleep but just wanted to say again that I am not making any of this up.

Sorry to keep singling you out Wannabe, but just to say, they exchanged details about each others looks, age etc in the emails New Years Day, and it was only a couple of days later that he emailed not weeks.

I am very tired and feeling crap so sorry if I am rambling, but I honestly am telling the truth. I know I have done a bad thing and I wish I hadnt started it now but I did.

I'm not sure he will be emailing her again anyhow, after he asked her not to email until thursday at 3pm I emailed him back saying "we'll see" and he asked what I meant and I said that I didn't like being brushed aside and I thought we could be special. He answered saying that there was no 'we' and that he couldn't talk, so I emailed him again saying that of course there was an 'us' now and asked him how he was going to tell his wife that he was cheating on her and wanted someone else. He didn't reply and I expect now he thinks she is a wierd bunny boiler and wont make contact again. I just couldnt carry on getting emails from him, it was making me feel ill.

He is not computer/phone/internet smart at all - he would have no idea how to change the email settings on his phone and never uses the laptop, he never uses our joint email account and the re-directed emails go to a sub-folder anyway. He (nor me to be fair) would never think to look at the properties of a photo. It never occurred to me.

I am 100% sure he doesnt know its me.

Re the house, I paid the deposit today, and the new landlady says everything is going through fine. Fingers crossed we should have the keys by the end of the week.

You gave a deposit before signing the contract.

This is all story 100%

If its not which I doubt op you are really fucked up and are gonna spend a longgg time on your own.

No, I paid out for credit checks and admin fees for us both actually. Alot of money.

Today I paid the deposit.

We havent been asked to sign anything yet.

because - where does the op state that she paid deposit before signing contract?

op - your distrust of your partner - where has that come from? is it from previous experience with him or have you been previously cheated on?

fwiw - if you distrust him so badly that you had to set a honey trap, then its a no go. its dead in the water. im still struggling after 10 pages to work out who has the issue here, you, or him.

Vicar she's just said. I thought it was pretty obvious. She never mentioned signing anything. Most bizzare.

Anyway it just is all too fishy nn:

"Today I paid the deposit.

We havent been asked to sign anything yet."

She just said so.

I foresee a thread next week where they haven't got the keys and the ll has buggered off with the deposit.

and op you said that you texted him on New year's day and then your op said that "then this morning" and op was posted on Saturday. So not a couple of days - a week.

I had an ex who used to use sex chat lines and sites all the time. Which is why I eventually left him.

DP knew this when we met, and how hurt i'd been and swore he wasnt that type. Which I believed until I was 4 months pregnant and accidentally found a page saying 'you have logged out of facebook of sex' on his phone. It was the page the phone was on, I didnt go through it to find it. ALthough after that i did go through it and thats when I found the pregnant porn etc. This was a year ago.

He swore he was just curious etc, begged, wrote me letters, I believed him and as I was pregnant I forgave him.

Until recently he hasnt had a phone with internet access but he has a blackberry now.

I got paranoid, tested him and ended up in this crap.

Im sorry, but you have done this to yourself, I reckon its a bit of crap internet flirting.

I wouldnt accept it in DH, but you have bloody led him down this path, using your own knowledge of his likes and dislikes. Seriously, I mean get a grip how old are you??

This is your childrens lives you have played games with.

Chances are he wants to be with you.

I paid the money via bank transfer for the credit checks and admin fee, then got an email from landlady with a link to rentshield asking for mine and his details, employers, payroll number etc for credit checks.

Today I paid the deposit again via bank transfer.

It is an established estate agency.

First email was sent Fri 6th Jan (night time) I have just checked so a few days/under a week.

I see that you dont believe me and thats fine, but I have nothing to gain from making this up.

I think he does love me. And I know that he wants us to stay together and he will fight to keep his family, but I cant undo what i've done and seen.

of course you cant undo it, but you can take some responsibility for it, and see it for what it is.

If my DH did this I would be livid. But both he and I are too busy to spend our time playing mind games like this.

You are both as bad as each other.

something made you want to "test" him though OP, you have to sit and do some soul searching i think as to why.

how far do you think he would have gone?

for me, the ONLY way you can get through this, is to sit him down and tell him the truth, then decide how you want to play this. It seems to me that if you cant trust him then there is nothing much there to call a relationship.

I know I am half to blame, when he asked what I looked like I discribed someone who was his type, similar age etc. I made it easy for him and I betrayed his trust. And he has betrayed mine.

I don't know whether to 'find out' - relationship over
Pretend it never happened and carry on as normal
Confess - relationship over

He is being so nice to me and making such an effort, its a shame its because he feels guilty. If I didnt know I would be so happy with my life at the moment

are you sure its because he feels guilty?? maybe he is happy with life too??

its seems as soon as you suggested meeting he is backing off??

a little escapism, well, as said, I wouldnt accept it.

But do you think, if knowing him the way you do, he would have done this with someone else??

'Finding out' doesn't mean relationship over. If you sit on this I promise it will eat away at you forever or until your relationship is less happy and will make you resent him or be tempted to cheat yourself. Whatever way you bring it up, you have to bring it up. The longer you wait the harder it will be and the more prepared he will be to deceive or confuse you. Do it now.

option 2 btq, living life based on a lie, recipie for disaster.

maybe finding out will be the kick up the arse you both need....this wasnt right to start with.

if you felt the need to honey trap him there has always been a problem, now brushing it under the carpet isn t really an option is it?

Look surely the question is why on earth do you want to stay with a man who goes out 4-5 times a week, despite having a young family, spends so much time and money in the pub, lies to you (the FB nonsense), uses porn and gets involved in sex E mailing with a stranger, at the drop of a hat?

Why would any woman want that?

I dont know if he would have met her. He swayed between saying yes and asking what she would wear, saying he didnt want to get caught, saying he didnt want to cheat, didnt want to lose his son, maybe if he could get away, he didnt want to hurt anyone to 'he would give anything to fuck her' and it could work as long as they could keep a secret - So who knows.

We argued last night because he wanted to go out and I knew it was because he had told her to email at half 5. I didnt want to have to sit there knowing what he would be thinking and reading his messages so suggested dc and i came too. He tried to put us off at first saying he wanted to be alone but then changed his mind and said it would be nice if we came.

When he got up to go for a smoke I asked him if we could have his phone for dc to watch videos on as we normally would, but he said no and that he wanted to play a game on it whilst he was outside, what he actually did was email her and tell her not to contact him as he was with his wife and she wants the phone. When he came in her said that his battery was nearly dead so dc couldnt use it - he was scared of an email popping up I think.

Dc got over tired and he suggested I take them home, he would finish his drink and follow us. He said to get a film ready.

But it took him nearly 3 hours, as he was sending messages and awaiting replies I think - although I was too annoyed to bother and really didnt want to be doing this anymore.

I lost my temper with him when he got back - I wouldnt have normally but was upset and stressed, and went up to bed. Thats when he emailed and said he couldnt do it anymore and didnt want to lose his family etc.

But then today he emailed her saying leave it for a few days/get in touch thursday etc.

So I dont know what he would do.

You'll never know what he would do, love. Even if you arranged a hotel room, he turned up, and you watched him go in, he could always claim he was never going to actually go through with it. That he would have left at the last minute. That it was all part of some fantasy.

So you see, you'll never know entirely if want you need is physical certainty. What you know is that he is stupid and cuntstruck enough to say the things he's said and is probably panicking about the house and responsibility etc and is willing to fantasise explicitly and cruelly with a woman he barely knows. 'I would give anything to fuck you' Really? That must smart, OP.

Say you checked his phone while he asleep because you were suspicious cos he wouldn't lend it to you. Say anything. But say something. I'd bet everything in my pockets he'll collapse in guilt and apology, he clearly doesn't want to lose you. He's just got no control. And unless you can have a full conversation about trust, boundaries and what he's being such a pathetic dog with two dicks for then this will never ever go away.

BTW I don't mean he can't control himself, I mean he doesn't want to.

But you've manipulated it yourself so that you'd get the result you seem to want, don't you see that?

If you had instead assured him that you were the soul of discretion looking for some no-strings fun, then his responses would in all probability have been different. Changing tack the way you did, coming across as a scorned woman, would have set alarm bells ringing for even the most stupid would-be adulterer.

You took the baby to the pub just to foil him? [shocked]

agreed. how can you ever trust him ever again?

honest conversation required however painful.

It doesn't smart as much as

'Is your wife pretty?'

'She used to be'

I know I asked for it by asking the question in the first place.