Ok so where do we stand with dh's/dw's/Dp having a close friend of the opposite sex

[NotInTheMood]

Are there things that make you feel comfortable are there ground rules etc that you have?

Dh and I have a friend that we went to go school with she's a nice girl etc but for what ever reason dh and her have had a closer relationship (maybe because he's male).Although when ever we get together we are the one's talking not her and dh. Recently her relationship broke up and dh has been spending time with her alone you know popping around for a coffee, picking her up at the train staion late at night etc. The thing is she is both our friend and yet they never seem to include me. I've text her and have invited her around and made sure she is ok etc and want to help her through it. Theres been an odd occassion where he's been late hope from work and when ive asked he said he popped around hers quickly which is fine but would of been nice to know before or asked if I wanted to go around.

Jaundiced view from me, but I trusted my H completely to have a female friend. She became the OW. I think it's very hard for men and women to be be 'just good friends.' Sorry.

Same here, sorry!
You can both support her through her breakup, not just your DH. I am sure it's perfectly innocent but as both of you are her friend since school there is no real reason why your DH should be seeing more of her.
Hope this is nothing to worry about.

How very convenient for her that your dh is willing to act as her late night taxi service, popping round for coffee, etc.

What is he doing to make sure that her ex is similarly comforted after their break-up? Is there something you could be doing to make sure that her ex doesn't have to drink his coffee alone, gets home safely late at night and provide that all important etcetara?

Seriously, the writing's on the wall. What your dh is doing is way beyond any call of duty you or he may have to your mutual friend.

Make it clear to your dh that if she doesn't want to be on her own she can drink coffee at your home and call taxis for herself if she's out late at night.

I have many close male friends and dp has many close women friends. Neither of us would dream of telling the other who we can and can't be friends with!

I wouldn't be at all happy.

She is emotionally vulnerable, perhaps feeling shitty about herself - depending on why her relationship ended, and therefore may love a man's attention.

What isn't healthy is her using your DH as an emotional prop - almost as a substitute partner.

There is no reason for him to be picking her up from stations late at night - there are taxis for that, or she must have other friends/family to do that for her.

I can understand that he might not like the idea of her being alone late at night, waiting for a taxi, but really, she is just a friend, it's not his responsibility to look out for her welfare to such an extent. He will revel in this 'being needed', and that is where the danger lies.

Popping round to hers on the way home, alone - definitely not cool, if he didn't use to do it when she was in a relationship - then there is no legitimate reason to be doing so now.

When I moved closer to my parents (before I met DH), a married friend of theirs, started coming round - he started coming round after I was raped by my ex.

It started to become regular, and he was nice, I trusted him (known him for years), and enjoyed his company.

I used to ask if his wife minded, but he said she didn't (I was friendly with her too, and he used to phone me & she was there when he did so).

One day, he decided he was 'in love' with me. He even came to see my dad, to tell him that he planned to leave his wife for me.

At this point I broke off all contact with him. I'd never encouraged him at all, but if something happened (like my windows being smashed one night), I would phone him, and he'd come. I'd never encouraged romantic interest - but I was a single female, and he liked to be my protector, check up on me, feel needed by me.

Luckily his wife never found out (she still speaks if I see her), and he re-invested in his marriage.

The upshot - I would never let any partner of mine do too much for another woman - even a mutual friend.

It sounds like he may be developing a crush on her, but irregardless, it is dangerous for him to take any responsibility for her - the lifts home, popping round alone etc, have got to stop

hairytaleofnewyork The point is not telling him who he can be friends with, it's the shift in the friendship - he never used to give her lifts home, or go to her house alone, so either their friendship has shifted, or he hopes it will do.

Being friends is one thing, when it changes & affects the marriage, then it would be wrong for him not to listen - it would be stupid for the OP to not stop this now, or else she's risking her marriage

That's the thing her oh has found another women so dh has not really said much to him. I am not saying I don't want dh and her to be friends but some things that are going on in a short spat have made me insecure and I admitted this to dh the other day epescially as alot of my gfs marriages have broke down because of affairs. I said it would be nice to be asked if I want to pop around or if I minded picking ff friend up. I really didn't mind but the last few weeks it been more frequent. Its just esculated as I am going out tonight around a gfs and dh asked if said ff could come around. One of the reasons im going out is so he can play his Xbox to his hearts delight. I realise they are friends but spending alot of time alone and making me feel excluded cannot be right. I don't want to be jealous and paranoid but I do not want to be made a fool!

In general, I think male-female friendships are fine and that it's not for anyone to tell their partner who they can be friends with.

However your particular situation sounds dodgy.

Have you talked to him about your concerns OP? He may be unaware of the effect his support of your mutual friend is having on you.
If it was a male friend and you were 'popping in to see him after work' etc., would your DH be OK about it?

I would smell a big rat here - Sorry! Why didn't he ask to invite her round last night when you were both in, if it's just she is lonely? I think a boundary has already been crossed.....

I do feel it innocent but I can see the danger and the like of having male attention. I just don't like the fact i've been made to feel excluded when its a mutual frine

Maybe he is just concerned for her after her break up? Sounds like the sort of thing 2 women friends would do.
They should involve you though, it's not ok that you are feeling left out. I would light heartedly bring it up and see what response you get

sorry dh is around. I spoke honestly last week and he reassured me and said he would ask in future. But then today he asked if ff could come around tonight when I am out with other friends.

I don't see why he would be so open about seeing her if he had anything to hide. Maybe I'm just naive though

The thing is i was thinking of inviting her out with me but dh beat me to it. He's home alone with the kids and her dp has hers this weekend. Now im upset I cannot bear to invite her myself now. I am going out so dh can play his xbox

Ask her to go out with you tonight. Make a wee joke that she doesn't want to stay in bored with your DH when she could be out having a good time with you instead.

Yes, he is being open and is innocently supporting a friend, but why not include you? So why not have a chat with the friend about how leftout you feel?
(I am trying hard not to suspect her of being up to something.....)

I do think its innocent but I am wondering if there should be boundaries as I mean how do affairs start surely some things are stepping out of line.

OK, to put your mind at rest ask her along with your friends tonight (as Hairy suggests) Does she normally play on the XBox?

And would it hurt for dh ask if I wanted to pop around or if I minded him picking ff up. If I knew the situation maybe I would of suggested it. I am not normally jealous or insecure honestly.

not really!!! I just want to rant now with my gfs so don't think I could ask her along. I just think dh is giving her the impression I don't mind him picking her up or popping around alone all the time hence why she suggested coming around tonight as she is lonely. Its been little things that have built up and eventually made me snap

Thing is, it's really not fair to put boundaries on their relationship if they are genuinely just friends. Think how you would feel if he tried doing the same with you and one of your friends.

It's hard though, cos you never know if they are up to something but you don't want to seem over bearing.

Make sure you ahve a nice evening with your friends tonight.
Only you know this friend (and your DH). Do you think she would try and get off with your DH?

This may help:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

"I am going out so dh can play his xbox"

"But then today he asked if ff could come around tonight when I am out with other friends."

So you're going out to let him play on the Xbox, and instead he asks your 'friend' to come over?

Most affairs don't start intentionally, and he has crossed a boundary, by excluding you from the relationship - not only that, but it has now crossed over to her actually taking time away from you.

I'd be pissed if DH wanted to play the Xbox, so rather than be bored I arrange to go out, and be with friends, letting him play away, only for him then to make other plans.

I'd be pissed that if I was staying in he'd play the Xbox, and ignore me, but as I'm going out, he can sacrifice the game, and talk to her instead - he's showing you he prefers her company to yours.

What is she giving to you, in terms of friendship, besides getting all your DH's attention?

Why don't you suggest that she babysits your LC, so that you & DH go out for the night?