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Original poster

Ok so where do we stand with dh's/dw's/Dp having a close friend of the opposite sex

128 replies

NotInTheMood · 07/01/2012 17:07

Are there things that make you feel comfortable are there ground rules etc that you have?

Dh and I have a friend that we went to go school with she's a nice girl etc but for what ever reason dh and her have had a closer relationship (maybe because he's male).Although when ever we get together we are the one's talking not her and dh. Recently her relationship broke up and dh has been spending time with her alone you know popping around for a coffee, picking her up at the train staion late at night etc. The thing is she is both our friend and yet they never seem to include me. I've text her and have invited her around and made sure she is ok etc and want to help her through it. Theres been an odd occassion where he's been late hope from work and when ive asked he said he popped around hers quickly which is fine but would of been nice to know before or asked if I wanted to go around.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotInTheMood · 07/01/2012 18:14

she is flirty but I am not sure as she is lonely. I just want dh to not make me feel pushed out or left out or to ask if I mind. Picking her up the station when he has work early the next day imakes me feel uneasy because thats the sort of thing id expect him to do for me iywim.she is a mutual friend but seem to be texting dh a lot more then me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotInTheMood · 07/01/2012 18:15

Alot of marriages that were considered strong have broke up recently and its made me think more about things then i normally would you know the little signs

OP posts:
TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 07/01/2012 18:19

This sounds really, really dodgy to me, and I know because I have been really close to a similar situation, which developed into an affair. I personally would not be happy at all.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 07/01/2012 18:31

Ask her if she'd like to come out with you and your friends and tell DH that you were going out to give him space and that YOU will 'look after' the friend. If she still chooses him I'd start to be skeptical. FWIW I am of the suspicious camp.

fiventhree · 07/01/2012 18:33

Well, on the basis of what you have said, I wouldnt like it.

He is getting something out of this too. You need to identify what it is.

karmathreefold · 07/01/2012 18:36

I like what kumquat suggested.

The other alternative is to go out for just an hour, feign feeling 'sickly' to your friends, then going home unannounced. Their reactions will tell you all you need to know (I really don't think they'd be doing anything wrong as your DCs are there).

But if you get home, and she/he seems uncomfortable, or she decides to go home, then you have to evaluate a bit more carefully.

If they seem relaxed, and not at all miffed at your presence, and she talks quite happily to you, then I'd be a lot more happy about it.

It may seem sneaky - but - she is friends to both of you, and this is your house after all

FabbyChic · 07/01/2012 18:46

Doesnt she have other friends she can lean on too or is she only leaning on someone elses husband, if I was the other female I'd feel bad I was taking someones husband away so often.

Hassled · 07/01/2012 18:50

I have a close straight single male friend - we met when we were 16, snogged drunkenly when we were 18 and since then have just been good friends. He doesn't fancy me, I don't fancy him. We just get on very well. So don't assume the worst - that "men and women can never just be friends" stuff is bollocks.

But you're twitchy and fretting, and that's not going to go away until you're sure, so I think you should do as karma suggests and come home early.

Portofino · 07/01/2012 19:03

She suggested coming round presumably knowing that you were going out....Hmm

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2012 19:09

Say yes to her coming over, at the last minute decide to stay in, see what hid reaction is.

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2012 19:09

His

babyhammock · 07/01/2012 19:10

Yup, I vote for coming home early too x

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 07/01/2012 19:12

I don't see why you should miss out by curtailing your evening's activities.

Meet up with your mates and claim to have left something vital at home (mobile? money?). Get a couple of them to return with you to collect the item and sweep her up and out of the house so that she can enjoy an evening out with 'les girls' while your h plays with himself on his x-box.

TidyDancer · 07/01/2012 19:16

I have a male best friend. I don't think about shagging him anymore than I do my female friends.

DP couldn't give two shiny shites whether I am seeing my friend with a penis or one with a vagina. He trusts me and knows I don't sleep with my friends.

DP also has friends of both genders. I prefer him going out with his female friends, they are better behaved. Grin

Teaandcakeplease · 07/01/2012 19:20

"Jaundiced view from me, but I trusted my H completely to have a female friend. She became the OW. I think it's very hard for men and women to be be 'just good friends.' Sorry." yep same here Angry

Totally inappropriate imo, he needs to look at his boundaries with her if this continues like this. Right now he is playing the rescuer role rather well, like my ex did and it led to a full blown affair Sad

I haven't read the whole thread yet. I'll have a decent read once I've hoiked my two into bed.

LadyPeterWimsey · 07/01/2012 19:21

I know of an affair that started exactly like this. Utterly devastating for my friend and her kids. Which is not say that anything is happening in your case, but just that they could easily tip over into dangerous territory.

SantasENormaSnob · 07/01/2012 19:33

I would be suspicious too tbh.

Friends fine but this seems to be crossing boundaries.

ClaraSage · 07/01/2012 19:39

But your DH is not sneaking around at all? So he must just see it as helping out a mate (who happens to be female) who is down. I am not so sure of friend's motives.

Portofino · 07/01/2012 19:43

He doesn't have to sneak. He has an "excuse" to do this. The big thing for me is that OP is being excluded from all these activities.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/01/2012 19:44

If I were you - I'd ask DH to imagine how he'd feel if the situation is reversed.

I totally trust my DH but would just not like this and its mainly because of how your friend seems to be excluding you.

And if I were the friend there is just no way I'd be doing this - she can't possibly fail to realise that this is bound to make you feel slightly uncomfortable.

And tonight well - I wouldn't be able to resist a snide comment about how much x box got played when I got home.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2012 19:49

I would be smelling a rat, sorry

EightiesChick · 07/01/2012 19:59

Sometimes being 'open' about something is a way of effectively claiming that there's nothing to complain about. Like the way some people make a virtue out of their rudeness 'honesty'. I agree with the suspicious camp. I would also go for the coming home early option.

Teaandcakeplease · 07/01/2012 20:07

"But your DH is not sneaking around at all? So he must just see it as helping out a mate (who happens to be female) who is down." My ex started off like this, I think he truly thought nothing would ever happen etc. But it did in the end. It took a while but once the boundaries went on what is appropriate over time it became even more inappropriate iyswim? Gradually gradually, slowly slowly until it happened.

I was excluded from everything too.

You need to nip this in the bud now, get him to back off a bit. She needs to confide/ rely on someone else. Not a married man, to this extent.

luvviemum · 07/01/2012 20:30

Call me old fashioned but I don't believe men or women should have close friends of the opposite sex once they are married. Too many potential issues.

I don't mind admitting that I wouldn't like my husband having emotional intimacy with another woman which is what a close friendship is. I also know that even though he wouldn't try and stop me, I don't think he would be thrilled if I announced I was off out for lunch with Tom/Dick/Harry etc

We have mutual friends of both sexes and there are times when he'll have a coffee with some of my best pals if they call round to see me and I'm not back etc However, they wouldn't dream of asking him to do anything with them without me and I wouldn't dream of suggesting anything like that to thier dh's. My girl pals and I have known each other for so long that we have had conversations about this very issue and we all feel the same. It's just not appropriate.

IMO anyone who reckons it's ok for their partner to have close friends of the opposite sex are deluding themselves that it's not putting their own intimate relationship in jeapardy - see if they're still your partner in five years!

Right - I'll get off my soap box now cos Big Brother is on. In fact... Natasha Giggs ..........need I say more????

therantingBOM · 07/01/2012 20:51

Definielty smelling a rat.

If you are, as you say, genuinely not normally a jealous, suspicious, possessive person ye you are currently having these thoughts please DO NOT allow this man to make you question your judgement and sanity over this.

You have every right to not play the "cool" wife.

I think it is tempting for people to allow, or sometimes even push, there partner to spend time with a member of the opposite sex. Partly out of trying to prove that they trust them or to appear cool and confident but it usually backfires.

I would be furious that if I was at home he was going to sit and play X Box all night but then suddenly when there is the opportunity to spend time with her suddenly he wants to play host.

I dont like it, not at all.

What are they like when you're around. What id their conversation like?