Ok so where do we stand with dh's/dw's/Dp having a close friend of the opposite sex

[NotInTheMood]

Are there things that make you feel comfortable are there ground rules etc that you have?

Dh and I have a friend that we went to go school with she's a nice girl etc but for what ever reason dh and her have had a closer relationship (maybe because he's male).Although when ever we get together we are the one's talking not her and dh. Recently her relationship broke up and dh has been spending time with her alone you know popping around for a coffee, picking her up at the train staion late at night etc. The thing is she is both our friend and yet they never seem to include me. I've text her and have invited her around and made sure she is ok etc and want to help her through it. Theres been an odd occassion where he's been late hope from work and when ive asked he said he popped around hers quickly which is fine but would of been nice to know before or asked if I wanted to go around.

Well is all came to an head sat night!! Dh was in a mood with me sat because text me in the day about going around ff in the evening I text back about him making me feel excluded and that I had been planning on going out to get party stuff for our ds. He came home acted like normal didn't even approach the subject or want to talk about it and got moodier towards the evening.

Meanwhile saturday another friends marriage broke down and my other gf begged me to come around with her to cheer her up with a few bottle of wine. Dh dropped me off just after 9pm as we were at a kids party til 8.30 but I did mention to dh I may have to nip out for a few hours afterwards with my gf's.

What I didn't know is after he dropped me off he had picked up ff and took her around our house with our kids. He had put them to bed and they were drinking, chatting etc. He had been texting in the evening so think he had planned to do this knowing I was going out. I came home just after midnight after a few drinks inside me and had text him on the way home we need to talk he said ok. I got home knocked on the door (didn't have my key) no answer I could see them singing on the wii laughing and drinking etc. I knocked again and then banged on the door by which time I had had enough and stormed off. I literally felt on the outside. It ended in a big row.

He invited someone around knowing I wasn't comfortable with it but would n't discuss it. He knew Id be unhappy and that I was going out around a friends for a few drinks and would have to come home to that or maybe he had planned to get rid of her before I came home??? At the end of the day I don't think anything has happened but doing it behind my back. Telling me not to rush home :-( and then picking ff up at 9.30pm

Well, he is in the first stages of an affair. So sorry, this is all not going to end well.

I think you need to sit down and have a calm, steely chat with him. His choices - the consequences. I mean, would he say to his work, I like you and all that, but I am contracting to this other firm because it gives me good payback, it doesn't mean anything? Or say to HM goverment, I am giving our secrets away to the Taliban, but don't worry, it isn't treason? Of course he wouldn't. He would get 1. sacked, 2. jailed.

Then go round and have a very steely chat with Miss NeedsComforting. Preferably including a couple of friends, who understand exactly what is going on. Maybe the conversation can include, hmmmm, the words broken kneecaps if it doesn't stop/your husbands dick is found in her slippery ? She will listen, he won't he's already infatuated

Have the steely chat woman to WOMEN with her first. Intimidate her out of her BS.

I wouldn't talk to the female friend. She owes you nothing and will not care about you if she is so besotted with H.

The issue is your H crossing boundaries and disrespecting you and your marriage - he is the one you need to confront and discuss this with.

That is so out of order! I would be very wary of your 'friend' even without this latest incident, but leaving you outside while they sing, laugh and play is outrageous. I would be livid at both of them. What has he said about it so far and have you spoken to her too?

From the other side of the situation, I had a close male friend and my feelings for him got out of control when DH was treating me badly. I know my friend wasn't right for me a as a DP, but when you feel unloved you grab hold of any positive attention and it can build in your mind to something that it isn't (and shouldn't be). I have since backed off and worked on relationship with DH. Was your relationship with your DH strong before all this kicked off?

Do you think DH is trying to punish you for going out without him and having fun with your GFs?

Have you talked it through with him since saturday night OP? Hope you're ok.

My ex-boyfriend comes round for coffee sometimes. Once, when DH was away I was stuck and called him in an emergency for help.

BUT, it is NOT routine. I think that makes a difference.

It probably also makes a difference that he is married and I value his friendship so wouldn't want to piss off his wife. But this woman should be the same i.e. acknowledge that he HAS a woman. If she isn't doing then I would be a bit worried.

He said he was trying to prove a point that nothing is happening and they are just friends chatting and he wasn't planning on getting rid of her before I got home. He knew how I felt although would talk to me about it and knew I was going out and having a few to drink how could he expect me to come home and be fine with it. He set a situation up that I wasn't happy with knowing id come home after a few did he expect not kick off and make complete idiot of myself like the crying pathetic paranoid wife! I went absolutely ape shit because it was all planned and done behind my back.

meant 'wouldn't' talk to me about it. The thing is its been too much too soon i've felt insecure as things have changed its not something that they did when she was with her oh. And he's not invited her around in the evening when i'm there. Its all new to me and what i wanted to talk to dh about is that he's texting her lots, seeing her on her own more and then inviting her around when im not there. Its too much. And if I did say yes to her coming around is it a case that every time I go out and she's lonely she will pop around? I warned him he was pushing me too mush with this one person.

Look, you can talk to her, as she isnt just a potential OW, she is your friend too. Tell her openly that you dont like it.

And anyway, the biggest red flags here are 1) that he continues it despite your upset- so HE is getting alot out of this emotionally, as well as her, and therefore
2) he is putting her and his needs before yours.

And 3) he didnt tell you he was fetching her

4. he was too engrossed to even let you in.

It is time to stop appealing to him.

Tell him what you need and expect from him, and what you wont tolerate. And tell him the consequences. He wont like it, but at least his response will tell you which of you is currently most important to him.

Do you see what I mean- focus on what you want, not what you expect to put up with.

You have choices here. He is making you feel powerless, and you arent.

Agree with fiventhree, if she really is your friend she will back off. BUT, if she is "falling" for him, she may just try and be more hidden about it. Then it kind of goes underground and you won't necessarily always know when they meet up.

The lesson is-trust your gut on this one. Your dh is playing you too. What he said about sat night is clearly manipulative.

I have to say it doesn't sound great. Sorry

He said he was trying to prove a point that nothing is happening and they are just friends

He's not proving his point very well is he?! He is putting himself and this OW's feelings before yours. As you said, he set up this situation so that you would walk into it and feel upset and maybe that is his plan - make you seem unreasonable and paranoid so that he can say that you pushed him into the arms of this OW with your lack of trust etc.

Its just wrong and you should tell him that it stops now if he wants your relationship to survive. Regardless of what may or may not have happened physically, a line has been crossed and your feelings should be respected.

If my DH had said that it made him uncomfortable when I spent time with my male friend I would have tried to justify by saying that we were just friends, but I know in my heart that I fantasised about more and may well have taken it too far in the heat of the moment. I would rather have had that attention from my DH than my friend and your DH should put your relationship and your family above his friendship with her.

Oh you poor love, he should never have gone behind your back like that, not in order to prove some silly point which he didn't even do! Does he think a marriage is about point scoring and someone always being right/wrong?? How did your 'friend' react to you being upset when you got home?

Thanks guys I just can't believe that he did that. Its really hurt me that they both have tbh more so him because I think maybe he's gave the impression to her that I don't mind. I am planning on talking to him tonight.

That is an unkind way to try and prove anything.

If he wants to prove to you there is nothing between them then get him to agree to never see her or call her without you being there and promise that you will back off, go out when they are together, arrange something yourself when, and ONLY WHEN you feel happy and comfortable doing so.

I don't know I ran off in a drunken rage (lost the plot because I had been drinking and then saw red). Dh and I had a big row in the street kept saying its just friends and how its always him trying to keep me happy etc. Convinced me to come back after an hour and I went straight to bed avoided ff as I did go turn into a psycho women as I was not prepared. I was crying and screaming I was embarressed. But knocking on the door couldn't ring the bell because of the kids and them not hearing me and seeing them through the window sent me in a rage. If he had answered I probably would of shut my mouth and gone to bed and sobbed. I had come home after hearing about a friends affair and came home thinking lets talk I don't want our relationship to turn out the same and did not expect ff to be there. He said he would ring ff a taxi I said its fine drive her home. Didn't realise til the next day when emptying the bins he had been drinking too so had drove her home over the limit.

The awful thing is, the more you two fight, the quicker he'll be pushed into her arms. Like epilator said, if he isn't happy at home he may grab onto her as she is showing him attention.

I am NOT saying it's you're fault, just that I can see why they are getting closer. It's a vicious circle, the more you two fight about them meeting up, the more he'll want to see her to get away from home.

It's a shitty situation, I really feel for. You left outside while they were playing sounds awful, I would've hit the roof and screamed at her to get out of my house. Tbh it really doesn't sound like she's your friend, never was. She was using you to get close to him

Hold on! X posted!

She was still there when you were arguing in the street?! Why didn't she excuse herself and go home?!

She hasn't behaved very well in this at all, and I think your husband needs to realise this too. You might need to have the sit down talk, where you explain to him that you are his wife, and his actions are making you feel uncomfortable. It can't continue on in the same vein, changes will need to be made and you both need to explain clearly what your priorities are.

(I would imagine the health of your marriage is high on your list, and I would hope he feels the same way.)

Yes, what Teed says.

It will be hard to remain calm and explain how you feel without getting overly emotional, but if you can manage it he will have to listen.

Someone recently pointed me in the direction of this site, www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html which although a little extreme, has helped me to understand why you need to be careful about other people's role within your marriage.

That's not to say you can't both have friends of either sex, but that if they are giving you something that your OH is not, it can cause issues. Its worth a read anyway, if only to straighten the idea in your head that even a platonic friendship can impact on your marriage.

sorry Teeb!

This is the fisrt time we have argued before I have remained maybe sulked a little before saying actually you know what when you pick her up late night at the train station I do have a problem with it or if you drop by after work. Its making me feel uneasy call me paranoid but thats how I feel and I can't help that. Its been one thing after another-I didn't say anything but now its too much she's a friend of both of ours. He said ok I understand and I never make you feel insecure again. A week later can ff come around tonight if you are going out ffs. I said 'no' it makes me feel uneasy the kids were there so couldn't really talk and dh didn't want to talk further. Nothing happened end of until the weekend just gone. What didn't he understand. She had asked if he wanted to get together wednesday at the weekend he text me friday about it. I in a roundabout way said no because i had to nip out. And so he picked her up friday straight after dropping me off at 9.30pm because he wanted to make it up to her for the other weekend!!! He may not be having an affair but the lying and sneaking and putting her feeling before mine is enough!!!

picked her sat instead of friday i mean!!!

I think he is in the early stages of an affair OP as he is putting her needs before yours.

Well, you know you have nothing to lose by confronting him in as calm a way as you possibly can. If he puts you first as he should, then he will see what he is doing is unreasonable. It may take a bit of arguing of your case, as from his point of view he may just see a friend in need (let's assume he's entirely innocent).

If however he stonewalls, belittles your fears, and ultimately, refuses to change the way he interacts with her, then you will have your answer. In your shoes I would be asking him, then telling him, to sort it or risk losing me.

Remember, this sort of thing saps self confidence dreadfully, so don't forget what we are telling you here-what he is doing is not right or fair. You are entitled to be pissed off.