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Original poster

Ok so where do we stand with dh's/dw's/Dp having a close friend of the opposite sex

128 replies

NotInTheMood · 07/01/2012 17:07

Are there things that make you feel comfortable are there ground rules etc that you have?

Dh and I have a friend that we went to go school with she's a nice girl etc but for what ever reason dh and her have had a closer relationship (maybe because he's male).Although when ever we get together we are the one's talking not her and dh. Recently her relationship broke up and dh has been spending time with her alone you know popping around for a coffee, picking her up at the train staion late at night etc. The thing is she is both our friend and yet they never seem to include me. I've text her and have invited her around and made sure she is ok etc and want to help her through it. Theres been an odd occassion where he's been late hope from work and when ive asked he said he popped around hers quickly which is fine but would of been nice to know before or asked if I wanted to go around.

OP posts:
therantingBOM · 07/01/2012 20:54

I'd go home early and say you couldnt bear to think of her lonely and having to spend the evening with the boring X Box man child on her own - you werent really feeling a night out anyway. See what their recation is.

therantingBOM · 07/01/2012 20:57

Just one more thing. I used to work evenings. I had a close friend who got on well with my (then) partner when we were all together. She spilt with her partner and was really upset so I suggested my partner take her out when I was working and he was also at a loose end. I was so proud of being so cool and confident and giving my partner so much freedom.
I also thought I was doing something nice for my friend.

They started sleeping together 2 weeks later.

These days I am quite open about not being happy with close female relationships and my DH.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2012 21:07

this story (in the OP) is going to have an unhappy ending

sorry, OP Sad

Jolyonsmummy · 07/01/2012 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 07/01/2012 22:05

I agree AF - I normally tend to agree with you anyway Wink. I am not the possessive type. My DH goes frequently to the pub with his mostly female team. These women have been to my house and are all much thinner, younger and more attractive than me. But my dh is not popping round their house for coffee, he is not inviting them round when I am out, he is not constantly exchanging texts with them. If I am going out he positively relishes the freedom to stick Call of Duty on the Xbox or watch repeats of Top Gear unimpeded. He is not inviting lonely women round. And that is how it should be.

therantingBOM · 08/01/2012 10:40

That's a good point Joly is the woman in OP a "friend of the marriage"? Doesn't sound like she is. Whereas the lady you speak about seems to be.

She came round while you were there and spends time with you and the kids. You just happened to go to bed earlier. The woman in OP is alienating notinthemood or rather her husband is.

(I never put the blame on the OW)

ClaraSage · 08/01/2012 10:45

Yes, 'friend of the mariage', good question?
How did last night pan out OP?

pinkyredrose · 08/01/2012 10:57

Any update OP?

IDontDoIroning · 08/01/2012 10:58

I think the thing to look at is the history of the relationship. If they have always been close friends, remained friends lifts popping round for coffee etc through various relationships on both sides then that's ok.
If the friendship or patterns or behavior has recently changed then that would ring alarm bells.

TongueTwisted · 08/01/2012 12:08

DP has female friends but one in particular stood out for me. When we were first getting together she would often show up unannounced at his, needing a shoulder to cry on about this and that and I did feel uncomfortable about it. But as we weren't official at the time and he was friends with her before I came on the scene I didn't feel it was my place to say anything.

When we did become official, she would still go round his for no reason. He always said to me he had no romantic feelings towards her, he didn't fancy her in the slightest and I believed him. One afternoon, we both had some time off and I was round his when she waltzed through the door with a bag of food, obviously intended for her and my DP to share. By this point I told him I didn't like their friendship and that she evidently liked him in that way and would turn up at his house knowing I would be at work (he worked nights at the time) It bothered me that she would go and wake him up, want to spend the day with him even though she knew he was in a new relationship. Needless to say, he ended the friendship, told her to leave him alone because he respected my wishes more so than hers.

If you don't like this situation, say something. If your DH respects you he will back off. Or should do anyway. If he defends himself with 'but she's lonely' offer for her to come round for dinner where you, your DH and your children will be around.

Just be aware. If she is fresh out of a long term relationship, she may be craving male attention and finding ways to get it from your DH. Just talk to him.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 08/01/2012 15:39

Any update?

angelonthetree · 08/01/2012 20:26

OP - are you ok?

Original poster
NotInTheMood · 20/01/2012 13:54

Sorry guys nothing to say as he didn't invite her around in the end but wouldn't really discuss it either to hear my view. Do you think it makes a difference if the so called friend is attractive or unattractive?

OP posts:
Hardgoing · 20/01/2012 14:06

This sounds dodgy to me, and I"m pretty relaxed about my husband's interactions with women, he works in a setting with lots of attractive women, and has the odd woman friend too, who he might meet for a coffee or lunch if they called him. But he's not going round to lonely womens' houses for coffee after work (and not mentioning it til questioned) and he's not going out late at night to pick them up, this would not be appropriate at all and I would immediately smell a rat if he started doing this.

The attractiveness is neither here nor there, she is obviously attractive to your husband if he likes spending so much time with her, now she's single :(

Even if your response was irrational (which it isn't), his response should be to reassure you, not block off discussion. No more late night pickups imo.

salmonskinroll · 20/01/2012 14:13

Go through his phone, only way to know for sure in this situation, especially if he won't discuss with you.

garlicfrother · 20/01/2012 14:26

Massive apologies for not reading whole thread. I see no problem in a friendship such as the one you describe - but I do see bright red flags in the way your (3-way) relationship has changed. You've probably posted because the changes are making you uneasy. And I can see why :( Sorry.

Also, I don't know what you could do about it. Appeal to her better nature, maybe, or make yourself a compulsory companion whenever they meet, but that won't alter the fact he's prepared to exclude you from his relationship with another woman. I'd fire him for this, but I have far harder boundaries than I did a few years ago ... Feeling your pain.

Original poster
NotInTheMood · 20/01/2012 14:44

He has asked if I mind him going around there tonight so its not exactly secret he text me in work so not happy about that. I asked him why and if any things happened and he said no she just seems down. I text back in a rage that considering she's a mutual friend you are very doing a very good job of excluding me. I've had enough now tbh its becoming an issue nearly every other week and because he went about it wrong its got my back up already to the point I don't know if im being reasonable or not. And also i've not text the friend since because its making me feel bad towards her and I don't want to! At the end of the day maybe she thinks I don't mind and its him!!!! Im not sure if she has got the kids tonight but if she hasn't I will be more outraged!!!

OP posts:
salmonskinroll · 20/01/2012 14:48

For goodness sake you are NOT being unreasonable! You are being far too relaxed imo. I wouldve given an ultimatum a few weeks ago. Ask him if he would like it if you were going to a single mans house and excluding you?

This is ridiculous. They are definitely up to something.

Abitwobblynow · 20/01/2012 14:52

Trust your gut.

You posted because your instincts tell you something.

Your gut is rarely wrong.

What is cheating? 'If you wouldn't do it or say it if your spouse is around, then it's cheating' - Dr Phil

garlicfrother · 20/01/2012 15:04

'Tis simple imo:
"She needs me."
"How come she doesn't need us?"
And I would ask both of them, separately.

After that, one warning and then a double dump. It's not paranoia, it's common sense and courtesy.

NITM, can you not take several slow breaths and talk to your friend? Texting won't work, things come across wrong in texts.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/01/2012 15:21

If you're not usually the jealous type, then I would say something is probably wrong here. With my ex-P I only twice had that feeling about female friends. One was a mutual friend, probably more mine that his, but I just felt like she enjoyed excluding me somehow, or making me look silly so they could laugh at me together. It was mild but just felt wrong. AFAIK nothing happened with them, but I found out later that she had slept with another mutual friend despite being friends with his girlfriend as well :( The other was a woman at work who he constantly denied had feelings for him, despite the fact that she would text him all weekend and was always "down" etc. Again nothing physical happened as far as I know, but his admissions moved from "she liked me when we first met" to "she had a thing for me a few months back but I'm not interested and it's over" to finally "she's basically told me she's in love with me and wants us to be together". FFS.

The issue is comes down to is why does he want to protect another woman at your expense? And it is at your expense, even if just the expense of your time together as a couple or as a family. Many men are good natured and don't realise what they're getting into, I think. But the "being needed" can be very powerful. It's like in this poem.

DearBeirdre · 20/01/2012 16:24

For what it's worth OP - a male opinion to add to the mix.

You are not being unreasonable at all - your DH (is that the abbreviation for "husband" around here?) is being out of order.

Let's give him the (slight) benefit of the doubt and presume nothing physical has happened between him and the friend. He may not overtly be seeking an affair with the other woman, but at this moment in time he is getting more emotional interest/excitement from spending time with her, than with the you.

She is feeling vulnerable and lonely, and her vulnerability is making your DH feel "needed". Of course I can't speak for all men, but I would say that for many the feeling of being "needed" equates to being "valued" and "wanted"; when that "need" is coming from another woman. It's quite the ego boost, and I would suspect the OP's DH is enjoying this feeling of being "wanted" by another woman. From previous personal experience, I know that on the (admittedly few) occasions any women have made it clear they were "interested" in me, I found myself instantly more attracted to them (I'm talking about when I was single, before anyone presumes the worst...).

Whilst it doesn't look good, I wouldn't be too quick to assume that something has happened, or is necessarily going to. But to be blunt (from reading your posts thus far) if things continue as they are, if the other woman wants something to happen between them, it will happen.

Northernlurker · 20/01/2012 16:42

Dh and I have a mutual best friend. We've known her for years, dh a couple of years longer than me. We have both stayed at her house. She's married now but before she was married dh stayed with her a few times when nearby for work. I have never had a moment's concern because I trust her and I trust him and I know they both trust me too. If she was in trouble and needed us but one of us had to stay with the kids one of us would go to her and it could very well be dh. If we were in trouble likewise now with her and her dh.
Your problem OP is not with your dh having a female friend. It's that you don't trust him and you don't trust the friend. Don't hedge around the issue trying to find out by stealth. Be honest with yourself and with him - what's happened to the trust here?

FreakoidOrganisoid · 20/01/2012 16:49

Massive alarm bells are ringing for me OP.

And I say that as a single female with several platonic male friends.

And the point is, or should be, that even if it is all completely innocent YOU are not being made to feel comfortable about it and that should be enough for him to stop and take a step back.

Teaandcakeplease · 20/01/2012 17:15

If she's lonely she should come to you both not him going to hers. It's all inappropriate and he's crossing boundaries imo. He needs to start listening. It's becoming the elephant in the room now due to him not taking your concerns seriously.

My ExH was so sure he and the ow were just good friends, so sure he'd never cheat etc and sure enough he did in the end with her. He behaved exactly like yours now is Angry

She comes to you both or nothing and she needs to stop confiding in him and find a female friend. May sound extreme to some on this thread but after what happened to me, this rings huge alarm bells Sad