Ok so where do we stand with dh's/dw's/Dp having a close friend of the opposite sex

[NotInTheMood]

Are there things that make you feel comfortable are there ground rules etc that you have?

Dh and I have a friend that we went to go school with she's a nice girl etc but for what ever reason dh and her have had a closer relationship (maybe because he's male).Although when ever we get together we are the one's talking not her and dh. Recently her relationship broke up and dh has been spending time with her alone you know popping around for a coffee, picking her up at the train staion late at night etc. The thing is she is both our friend and yet they never seem to include me. I've text her and have invited her around and made sure she is ok etc and want to help her through it. Theres been an odd occassion where he's been late hope from work and when ive asked he said he popped around hers quickly which is fine but would of been nice to know before or asked if I wanted to go around.

I suggest you link him this thread, to show you aren't some hysterical jealous nutty wife.

That many people are screaming danger here.

The very single fact, that he is putting his needs before yours is the one huge single indicator of a soon to be affair.

He is putting her needs before yours, neither has scant regards for your feelings. They are distancing from you and trampling over you. This is an affair or soon to be one.

He will play it down, ignore you, take the piss, say you are hysterical. Because it suits him. He is building you up, so he can dislike you and give himself permission to have an affair being the horrible wife's back.

I suggest you send him here, or give him that sg book, to show him what a stupid text book twunt he is being.

I too think this is the early stages of an affair.

The only thing that would make me wonder whether it's already got past those early stages and has been going on for a while is that his friend has got no boundaries at all. To stay put while you and he were arguing, instead of leaving immediately, is very suspicious. I think she must have been enjoying it and getting some satisfaction from your H repeatedly choosing her over his marriage. It's also very odd behaviour from a woman whose own husband cheated.

Just out of interest, has he given this much support to male friends in need, or more pertinently, less attractive female friends? And how would he feel if this was you giving that level of 'support' to a male friend who clearly found you attractive and looked through him, as if he wasn't there?

Good Lord just caught up. It's an emotional affair at the very least, even if he cannot see it. It stinks to high heaven. He's behaving exactly the way my ExH did

Have you heard or read this book "Not just friends" I know the front cover talks about repairing a marriage after infidelity, but this book is well worth reading, particularly the first few chapters in your situation. I really would recommend it to you, as it discusses friends of the marriage, boundaries and how affairs begin. I found it eye opening and it gave me the confidence to challenge my ExH at the time and get to the bottom of a number of things, it also helped me to understand my own feelings better about it all.

I really hope you can get him to listen. You have had some great advice on here.

I need to dash and make tea for the children but I am thinking of you and will check in again later. You had every right to be angry.

I will speak to him when kids are asleep I feel sick tbh

Good luck this evening.

His latest behaviour sounds almost classic affair behaviour! Let text another woman and make arrangements to see her without the wife knowing. Lets then sneak around behind wife's back and without her knowledge thinking we won't get caught because she is busy else where

He knows this is hurting and upsetting you. You have told him how you feel. Right now he doesn't seem to care. He cares more for his 'friends' feelings.

Telling you that you are crazy, paranoid or imagining things is also classic and text book affair symptoms from what I have read on here. You are not!

Do not let him dismiss any of your feelings you are entitled to them.

Good luck OP

Good luck NITM

What's really important when getting advice on this (or any) site like this is that people come to a problem with their own baggage experience. And only you know your relationship.

A few months ago I started this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1256216-AIBU-to-have-a-male-friend-to-stay-when-DH-is-away
(don't need to read it past my post, there's a bit of a bunfight!)

and reactions were a lot more mixed as the situation was reversed. But a lot of people were saying that my friend must have secret designs on me and something was bound to happen.

He doesn't and it didn't. We are, as we always were, just very very good friends. He's now moving on from the break up of his relationship and needs me a lot less than he did then. I'm happy that I was there when he needed me, and that I didn't give in to what I felt was DH's irrational jealousy.

Maybe take a step back and try and talk to your DH rationally about the things that are really bothering you. If he's anything like me, he'll be furious that you don't trust him and may just be having a stubborn reaction.

Now, I had to hide behind the sofa on that thread, and I suspect I may need to do it again.

I would say, just so Clothes doesn't feel totally exposed(!) that I would have a good male friend over to my house to get drunk without there being any sort of shenanigans or romantic affection. HOWEVER, i think him doing that knowing her feelings about it and the insensitivity he's shown is very cruel. He needs to learn how to talk about it directly and honestly and to hear the concerns and vulnerability properly as it's never appropriate to put someone's wishes and feelings over yours, OP. It also sounds like the amount of emotional effort he's putting into her would be much better used in your relationship and it's no wonder you are pissed off and threatened by that.

I do think that someone conscious of embarking on an affair would probably not normally bring the potential OW to the family home, as separation psychologically is easier, so it may be he's not aware of that danger himself, just enjoying the affection and attention. Whatever he believes, it is not unreasonable to say that he has hurt you and he needs to put that care, attention and fun into you, not her. You are not being unreasonable, don't let him make you feel that way.

I dont think its the same thing clothes,
Like previous posters have said ,many blokes pick fights or create situations when their partners will react and then say well we werent getting on , we were going thru a bad patch etc to excuse their subsequent detatchment ,but its all to justify their own skanky behaviour .Makes you doubt your own judgement.OP whatever your gut says ,thats your answer !She is loving the attention from your H .He is completely out of order .

Yes, and also I think the not inviting her is just mean behaviour, deliberately excluding in a way that is totally inappropriate.

XP Vander
I agree re ok having friends of the opposite sex ,but the word cruel hits the nail on the head for me.If OP is feeling a bit vulnerable so what ,her H should support her ,reassure her ,
not bring this woman back to her home without her knowledge .

XP again.......
inappropriate and completely insensitive behaviour from friend and DH

Whichever way you look at it OP is being disrespected by the other 2.

I have many more male friends than female friends TBH - but they are JUST friends. My very closest friend is male and I tell him EVERYTHING, but we have never wanted to jump each others bones - honestly!
my partner is off snowboarding with a group of girls who happen to be really close friends of his - you will KNOW if there is something wrong - you can tell, trust your gut!

I would just like to say to clothes. I have LOTS of male friends, who come around keep me company, plumb my washing machine, that is meant literally, lots and lots. All above board. Their wives are welcome to come, my husband knows. Blah, blah. Such is the nature of his job.

I'm left alone with lots of men, to help me. Married men. I'm awfully social too. Thing is. I don't lie. I don't hide it. I don't make my hubby feel like shit. Quite the opposite, he likes to know I have people to help whilst he is away. We don't fight with other wives in the street. Don't belittle our spouses feelings. You get the picture yes?

This is what makes it affair territory.

See I love my gorgeous, lovely, generous, fuckable ;) husband. As he me. We aren't stupid. We would never cheat at all. But we know humans are susceptible we all are. All of us. Some may deny it, that's dangerous. That's why if certain lifestyle risks, such as working or living apart can't be avoided. Transparency and honesty is best.

As long as you are transparent and honest no problem. As long as you know the possible danger the minute you start hiding things, neglecting your spouse etc. you can avoid icky situations, yes?

That's the problem here.

How did it go op?

Wise words from lego.

Look, let's not beat around the bush here - your DH is having an affair.

Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that there has yet to be a physical manifestation of their relationship.

This is the one single thing that is stopping this being classed as a bona-fide 'affair'.

Your DH would probably justify his relationship with ff to you and himself through the fact they have not done anything physically, but emotionally he is already in a relationship with her.

You have accommodated him more than enough.
Now it is time for him to realise some home truths, and know that he is jeopardising your marriage. It may seem a bit extreme, but he can't just carry on having his cake and eating it.

Well we have talked and there are things that still bug me that I can not get my head around.

For one when we were arguing he said he felt that he had to make it up to her for letting her down the other weekend when I said no. I said no to him because it made me feel uncomfortable simple as... I said maybe I am being silly I don't know but its been too much to soon. And they haven't had alone time like that for years I mean when we were 18 years old that's 13 years ago and even that was then cuppa and a chat!! Back then it was normal we all spent time together or he would go around hers I got together knowing this iywim but then it all naturally stopped. And now recent weeks its shifted and I cannot deal with it right now. If there relationship was that strong why did it stop when she got together with her dp.

The second thing that really bugs me is that he set this situation up behind my back. He planned it as soon as he knew my plans and when I said I would not be long he told me not to rush back!!! But the thing is why arrange all of this in secret knowing id be out drinking what did he expect when I came back? Was he hoping she would be gone or was he hoping id text when I was on my way and then he would text me back ff is here or get rid of her?

Also when we were arguing I asked to see his phone he handed it to me and like my friend said he called my bluff as I didn't check it because he handed it over. When I asked him last night all his messages were deleted.

The other thing is he said he did it when we arguing to prove a point that it was just friends. Like some one said on here it was a cruel way of doing it and the only point made was he could'nt be trusted. To me inviting her around of an evening when I was here would of been a point.

He asked me if I would ever invite my mf around for an evening. I said yeah I would for a coffee and a catch up maybe but we do not see each other for months or text every day. I have never spent a night in with him like that since being with dh but the main point is if my dh was not comfortable with it I would not go behind his back especially knowing he was going out drinking and would have to come home to that situation.

Sorry for the typo's. The whole point is the lack of respect, the lies and the sneaking around. He's completely broken our trust. I think he realises but he keeps insisting they are just friends an thats why he did it

he set this situation up behind my back. .. the thing is why arrange all of this in secret

Well, yes, that's what's bugging everyone on your thread :(

So did you resolve anything between you? Ie did he take the initiative and say he won't do this any more? It doesn't sound like he's planning on doing much except carry it all on

I don't know what to do I think he's realised and he swears nothing was going on but how do you move on from this. I have no evidence just his word. He has said he will cool it off with the texts and everything else but why did it have to get to this point! He said if we met up it would all be together etc from now on. But I am just like well tbh you v'e ruined this friendship how can I remain on the same terms with her after all this!!

That book I linked is very helpful. It doesn't sound like he has realised to me though

But do buy the book.

So you are going to do nothing?

If he is really committed to you, he has to do more than cool it off. He needs to break all ties with this woman, no contact, no texts, no meetings at all. She is clearly not a friend of the marriage.