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Ok so where do we stand with dh's/dw's/Dp having a close friend of the opposite sex

128 replies

NotInTheMood · 07/01/2012 17:07

Are there things that make you feel comfortable are there ground rules etc that you have?

Dh and I have a friend that we went to go school with she's a nice girl etc but for what ever reason dh and her have had a closer relationship (maybe because he's male).Although when ever we get together we are the one's talking not her and dh. Recently her relationship broke up and dh has been spending time with her alone you know popping around for a coffee, picking her up at the train staion late at night etc. The thing is she is both our friend and yet they never seem to include me. I've text her and have invited her around and made sure she is ok etc and want to help her through it. Theres been an odd occassion where he's been late hope from work and when ive asked he said he popped around hers quickly which is fine but would of been nice to know before or asked if I wanted to go around.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 24/01/2012 14:20

Get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will help you make sense of things (hopefully he might read it too) and it is also a very useful relationship guide, how to overcome issues etc so it is not just for after an affair although in your case I would definitely say an emotional affair has taken place. I would also question your FF's motives - has she phoned or text you regarding the incident or has all the communication with her been through your DH ?

Trust your gut instinct on this one OP, if it looks like a banana, is shaped like a banana and smells like a banana then it probably is a banana! And deleting all the texts - a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. Watch his actions very carefully - will tell you all you need to know.

karmathreefold · 24/01/2012 14:36

I can't for the life of me, fathom why he needed to "make it up to her" wrt the the previous weekend... if he was just popping to see her because she was 'down', and you put a stop to it, why did he need to make anything up to her? Why does he owe her a night with him?

If I've felt crap, and asked a friend to come, and they've cancelled, they've never come/invited me over another time, just to 'make it up to me'.

It sounds (the making it up to her), as if he/she were viewing it as a date.

I have to say I disagree with a previous poster upthread, who said that they should back off, and then get together alone, when you're comfortable with it... surely their relationship needs to go back to what it was before - why should you ever be comfortable with a shift in the friendship, where he has this female friend over for the night, when you're out.

Has the female friend contacted you OP? Surely if she was a genuine friend then she would have realised how upset you were the other night (let alone the weekend before) and would have contacted you to offer her profuse apologies, and reassure you that it was just an innocent friendship, then maybe suggest that the two of you have a night out. That is what a true mutual friend should do.

I wouldn't agree to the ff coming over or socialising with the both of you tbh. Might sound nasty, but the conniving bitch female friend, should be doing damage limitation if she is genuine. It would be normal for a single female to go out with another woman, or group of women, not go to a married man's house when his wife is out for the night... how the heck is she going to find another man staying in with your DH though of course maybe the man is there

I would invite her out, on her own, with you. Stop all your DH's contact with her... I bet it won't work, it sounds as if they're already emotionally invested in each other... and your DH's attitude sounds very much like he's infatuated with her.

Xales · 24/01/2012 20:43

Sorry NotInTheMood Sad

He has plainly said there that he feels he owes it more to her to make up not meeting with her as that is more important that your feelings.

He has lied to you. They haven't had any time together in 13 years and that was just a coffee and a chat? What about the times he has as you have already posted on this thread popped into see her on the way home from work and not told you about until asked where he has been etc?

All his texts are deleted... Why...

You have offered to meet up with her (and him) and this has been completely ignored and almost deliberately avoided! He has arranged now a few times to meet her when you are out of the house even if one was cancelled (at your insistence!)

She seems to be completely avoiding you the last few weeks. She is such a good friend of yours for so many years, could see how upset you were at the weekend and hasn't even sent you a text. Again why...

He proved he can't be trusted. He went behind your back and arranged things knowing how much that would upset you. As you and others have posted cruel!

Your feelings are bugging you for a reason.

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