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Original poster

I am having an affair

145 replies

Beyondcaring · 07/01/2012 03:42

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Please don't out me if you recognise.

The back story is that my husband is not particularly nice to me. Never physically abusive, but boy, can he dish out the criticism. DS2 is 12 years old now, and I have not had sex with my husband since he was born.

Truthfully and honestly this has driven me slightly mental. I like sex. I would like to have sex with my husband, except he has been so vile that I cannot countenance it.

So for example. This Christmas, I wrote all the cards, put the tree up, bought a bushel-load of presents for his family and my family and our family. I did the stockings. I got up at 6am to do all the cooking for his family and my family and our family. He contributed nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to lay the table.

His mother, apparently, (had she been alive) would have made sure there was bread sauce on the table. Well here's the jag. I had been cooking for five solid hours and if I have forgotten the sodding bread sauce, that should not be a big deal. But no at the end of the day he said that this was the worst Christmas he had ever had in his life.

We both work and contribute financially. I earn more. This probably makes him feel insecure. It doesn't bother me.

But I like sex. I really like sex. Always have and probably always will. I have gone for years without sex. So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son. He is a joy. Generous and caring and giving in bed. Lots of cuddling. Lots of uninhibited delight. The deal was that we weren't supposed to get attached, because I have responsibilities and he should be out with a girl of his own age having fun and if he were to meet such a girl I would obediently disappear in a puff of smoke.

The deal is not working. He is getting attached. I am getting attached. It is not possible to shag someone senseless over a period of nigh on a year without getting attached. I have to end this for his good. And probably for my good. And I am truly gutted about this

I am also truly gutted that my husband doesn't love me and is a twat but I am reconciled to that. More or less. The thinking is that we will split when the children leave home. That's 7 years away, minimum.

I don't even know why I am posting this in the middle of the night. I'm just going to get flamed for having an affair. Well i am having an affair. And do you know what? It's made me happier than anything has done for years. Leaving my lover is going to make me really sad, but I think I need to get out of his life, and stop indulging in escapism and deal with my misery of a husband.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 03:48

Split up now. There is no reason not to. Staying together for the kids makes no sense, you are showing them a really bad example of a relationship. Your husband treats you like shit, do you want you son growing up thinking that he should treat his partners like shit too? Or that he should put up with being treated like shit?

Having affairs just complicates everything and makes everything harder.

Original poster
Beyondcaring · 07/01/2012 03:52

You are right, of course. The reason that it is hard is that I think my husband might miraculously return to being the man I married. That's as ridiculous as thinking that my tummy might return to the state it was when I got married. Sentimental tosh, really.

OP posts:
Gincognito · 07/01/2012 03:53

Why can't you leave your husband?

Gincognito · 07/01/2012 03:54

Sorry, x-posts. That's really not going to happen, is it? :(

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 03:59

It's unlikely to happen. He sounds like a fucking prick, to be honest. Anyone who demands anything that's not on the table at teatime needs to be ditched.

Have you had/suggested counselling?

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 04:01

Can I just say as well, I'm coming at this from the angle of someone who had an affair. I ended up with the guy I had an affair with, so it's not all doom and gloom, but it wasn't the ideal way to start a relationship and it hurt everyone involved.

Even if you can't stand your husband, think how he'd feel if he found out. Thinking about my ex-partner when he discovered I was cheating is still one of the most awful memories of my life. It destroyed him.

dubaipieeye · 07/01/2012 04:05

Pls leave him. My parents were unhappy all through my childhood and it has had a profound effect on my brother and I. They are still miserable and their misery reduces me to tears regularly. Affair aside you should leave him and set an example of happiness to your son. I really believed that NO ONE had a happy marriage for years and years...

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 04:06

The same here, dubai. To this day, I find it hard to believe people are happy in their relationships and find it almost impossible to be happy in mine.

dubaipieeye · 07/01/2012 04:11

yellow :( I am blessed to be in a great marriage but I do live in terror that it will end for some reason. I hate when people talk about "staying together for the kids". My mum has wasted her life with a man she doesn't like. One shot at life people, one shot!

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 04:15

Seriously dubai, mine too. My mum regularly tells me she wants to divorce my dad but that it's too late now. She's been saying this for 20 years. 20 years when she could have been happy alone or with someone else. Silly woman.

RubyrooUK · 07/01/2012 07:35

Beyonecaring - have you talked to your husband about just how seriously you feel about this? Have you said that you miss having sex with him and can't spend your life like this? That it is better for you both to break up than stay together and be unhappy? That you can't spend the rest of your lives feeling so unloved?

I don't think you should wait for the kids to leave home. Like most children of unhappy marriages, I knew my parents were unhappy for years before they separated. Of course it hurt but it would have hurt even if I was older. I know a few people whose parents split up when they left home and they often felt guilty, like "they would still be together if I was at home" and some of them felt they had to go home from university to look after a devastated parent. I'm not saying that would happen, just pointing out that waiting for kids to leave home is not always a good option.

I understand that you feel the affair is you looking for affection but you could have that by either making a go of things with your husband or leaving him altogether and being free to see whoever you want. It would be horrible for him or your children to find out. And by having an affair and removing yourself sexually and emotionally from your marriage, it means you are not confronting the issues with your DH.

Perhaps it is easy for me to say as I am not in your situation, but hey, that's asking for advice on MN for you. Smile

FellatioNelson · 07/01/2012 07:39

There is nothing to add, or to say that can be of any practical use to you - clearly you know all the answers already. You have your head screwed on just right about this. You just need to find the courage to put it all into place now. Smile

Lizzabadger · 07/01/2012 07:41

Leave him, or if you're really not prepared to do this, end the affair and work on your marriage.

brandysoakedbitch · 07/01/2012 07:44

You should just leave. There is no reason not to. Affairs are by definition messy and not good for people so you should tie up loose ends and then get on with your life. I know that sounds cold but it is a much better solution than the one you are currently indulging. You have to resign yourself to long or short term mess and pain. Whatever the outcome it is going to hurt for a while but I would take the short term difficulties to gain long term peace of mind. Life is too short and having some kind of fantasy that when your child grows up you will have the balls to do it all is false. It hurts your children when you break up no matter their age - to know you were living a lie for all those years before you broke up cannot help them either.

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 07:46

I would break it off with the lover, before you both get any more attached. Then I would sort out your life and leave your DH now-I can't see the point in waiting 7 yrs.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2012 07:49

Don't give this horrible man a stick to beat you with by leaving any clues about your affair. Go to a solicitor and find out the financial nuts and bolts of divorce. Then make your plans and file the papers. Your affair is distracting you from what you know must be done. If it lights a fire under you and shows you that there is still life in your bones or encourages you to feel you are attractive and the real you has not died the death of a thousand cuts for the last 12 years well and good, but the next step is to make your emotional and sexual separation legal. The affair is no substitute for action on the legal front.

Do not stay together for the sake of the children or even to keep them in the style to which they have become accustomed. That is too much responsibility to place on their shoulders. It is as soul destroying for them to live through a Christmas of the sort you have described as it was for you.

Find out where he has been getting his jollies all this time too btw.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2012 07:50

There is no good time to divorce. Don't put it off.

Chubfuddler · 07/01/2012 07:51

I knew lots of people while at university whose parents split shortly after they went up. The parents had clearly been hanging on for the child to leave. Every single one felt their childhood had been a lie.

If your marriage is dead, leave.

FellatioNelson · 07/01/2012 07:51

Also, if he finds out about your lover you are going to be the villain of the piece and he will seem the injured party. (not to say that there is not at least an element of truth in that - there are (almost always) two sides to every marriage break-up, and a non-existent sex life is not considered a sufficiently mitigating in factor for a man when he shags around) However.............

This young lover is a symptom, not a cause. Do not leave things until he becomes the reason your H (and everyone else involved) focuses on for the loss of his marriage.

OneLieIn · 07/01/2012 07:58

Op , I agree with most of the others. True first problem to solve is that your marriage isn't working at all. I am another child of a "let's stay together for the children" marriage and whilst all marriages are different, I can say it made me no better, it didn't improve me, it didn't give me additional stability. What it gave me and probably will give your dc is the impression that this is how marriages are. Would you rally want your dc to grow up demanding bread sauce? Lighthearted point I know, but you can see the principle. Our dcs learn from our behaviour.

You should also end or suspend the affair whilst you get your marriage sorted out. You need emotional clarity when figuring out what to do about your marriage and the affair - lovely as it is - will only cloud your thinking IMHO.

It's not going to be easy, good luck.

woollyideas · 07/01/2012 07:59

No-one else has mentioned this yet, so I will...

So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son.

You say your DS is 12, so I hope this isn't literally true!

I think you've had some good advice above. Your DH sounds like a selfish prick who is unlikely to change. If you think it's worth going for counselling, do it. If you don't, or he won't go, call it a day and move on. Then have a relationship with someone else, ie. when you are free to and won't be hurting anyone by doing so.

Ginfox · 07/01/2012 08:02

As has been said, don't stay together for the sake of the kids. My parents did that (split when I was 20 and sis was 18), and realising that they were miserably together for our sake still makes me feel terrible, 15 years down the line.

You only get one shot at this life, so get out and start your new life asap (minus husband and fling).

miserablemum · 07/01/2012 08:07

I agree - get your finances and position sorted and work out a plan to leave. Sorry Sad I can't see how wasting your life, being miserable and feeling unloved for 7 years will be of any benefit to your children. And yes, you certainly don't want him playing the 'poor me, my wife has had an affair card'.

If the affair is to develop into anything more, then it can wait a while as you sort out seperating and then the divorce.

Sit down and ask Dh if he is happy and thinks it's worth continuing. Does he think he has a happy marriage and wants to continue like this??

It must be bloody scary. I know a few people that have divorced, not nice at the time but months/year later are so so much happier! Kids (young ones) appear to be coping fine too....

mathanxiety · 07/01/2012 08:11

Yes, it is scary, but don't hide behind the affair. Swallow hard and take action.

miserablemum · 07/01/2012 08:12

Sorry, but curious about the no sex for 12 years. In all honesty I have a crap sex drive than drives dh mental sometimes, but 12 years - honestly? For what reason. Has he seeked help for this....or do you think he could be going elsewhere too??

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