I am having an affair

[Beyondcaring]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Please don't out me if you recognise.

The back story is that my husband is not particularly nice to me. Never physically abusive, but boy, can he dish out the criticism. DS2 is 12 years old now, and I have not had sex with my husband since he was born.

Truthfully and honestly this has driven me slightly mental. I like sex. I would like to have sex with my husband, except he has been so vile that I cannot countenance it.

So for example. This Christmas, I wrote all the cards, put the tree up, bought a bushel-load of presents for his family and my family and our family. I did the stockings. I got up at 6am to do all the cooking for his family and my family and our family. He contributed nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to lay the table.

His mother, apparently, (had she been alive) would have made sure there was bread sauce on the table. Well here's the jag. I had been cooking for five solid hours and if I have forgotten the sodding bread sauce, that should not be a big deal. But no at the end of the day he said that this was the worst Christmas he had ever had in his life.

We both work and contribute financially. I earn more. This probably makes him feel insecure. It doesn't bother me.

But I like sex. I really like sex. Always have and probably always will. I have gone for years without sex. So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son. He is a joy. Generous and caring and giving in bed. Lots of cuddling. Lots of uninhibited delight. The deal was that we weren't supposed to get attached, because I have responsibilities and he should be out with a girl of his own age having fun and if he were to meet such a girl I would obediently disappear in a puff of smoke.

The deal is not working. He is getting attached. I am getting attached. It is not possible to shag someone senseless over a period of nigh on a year without getting attached. I have to end this for his good. And probably for my good. And I am truly gutted about this

I am also truly gutted that my husband doesn't love me and is a twat but I am reconciled to that. More or less. The thinking is that we will split when the children leave home. That's 7 years away, minimum.

I don't even know why I am posting this in the middle of the night. I'm just going to get flamed for having an affair. Well i am having an affair. And do you know what? It's made me happier than anything has done for years. Leaving my lover is going to make me really sad, but I think I need to get out of his life, and stop indulging in escapism and deal with my misery of a husband.

I am truly grateful to all of you for your thoughts and posts. Thank you so much for not judging me for the affair.

I'm absolutely exhausted tbh. DH was out until 10pm last night and went straight to bed (the spare bedroom, naturally). I was actually really nervous about him coming back - whether there would be more shouting, what I might have done wrong now, etc. I do feel as though I am walking on eggshells.

You are right about needing to find the courage to leave. I feel so sad about it all though. It wasn't meant to work out like this. One of our wedding presents was 6 bottles of nice wine from an old flat-mate of mine. She wrote tags on each one telling us which year each bottle had to be consumed. So, one for our first anniversary, one for our 3rd anniversary, one for our fifth, one for our tenth, one for our 15th and the last bottle for our 20th. I drank the last bottle alone. Perhaps that's a sign.

He blames me for the way his life has turned out. To the untrained eye, his life might look pretty good. Wife who likes him, two nice children, good job, pleasant home where everyone is made to feel welcome, no real worries. But no, apparently he hates his life, is incredibly bitter about the way things have worked out and it is apparently all my fault. I'd love to know or understand what is wrong and how I have contributed to this. He did say that I wasn't any kind of companion for him. There is some truth in this, I do tend to hide away a bit, but you try being criticised all the time. You detach, you hide away. I try really hard to please him but it doesn't work.

I dropped DS2 at school today, and we were 2 minutes late. The traffic was really bad. I know that DH will give me a real bollocking for this when he finds out. I even thought about asking DS2 not to tell his father that we were late, to avoid the bollocking, but that seems so monumentally unfair to DS2.

Actually the bollockings are daily. I did see that a poster thought there'd only been three or so bust-ups since Christmas. No, they are every day. Every single day. I can't manage my way out of them. I never criticise him or shout or swear at him mostly because I don't really do that sort of thing but also sadly because I've learned that this is the way real escalation happens.

Courage to leave. You're so right that that is what I need. It's all a bit desperate here now. Thank you once again for your help and support. It means a lot. I'm going to phone a solicitor this afternoon.

"he hates his life, is incredibly bitter about the way things have worked out and it is apparently all my fault. I'd love to know or understand what is wrong and how I have contributed to this. "

You didn't. It's called projection.

You yourself say he had an awful childhood w father ranting and raving.

So, being a man, with his feelings of depression, hatred and rage, he has two choices:

1. Really face his helpless little past self, and the hatred and rage he felt for a father who frightened him, made him feel helpless and bad as he watched his mother being humiliated; or

1. Deny that it affected him, still see his father as a strong good hero - and instead blame you! YOU are the cause of .... whilst he re-enacts his past, THIS time as the strong one.

So sad! But don't pass it on to your boys, get out. REMEMBER: get smart. Record the tirades.

OP - I identify with many of the emotions you describe on here but perhaps am not as far along as you. The words.. emotionally exhausted, spent, scrapping the bottom of the barrel and constantly walking on eggshells around DH and then wanting or looking for an escape yet feeling it might work if the person you married was still there, does that feel like you?

I was reading through some old threads and came across this site - perhaps you might find it useful

www.depressionfallout.com/topics.php

Beyond, how about letting it rip and throwing a real tantrum yourself including plenty of the F word next time he decides to dump his shitty self hatred all over you? Because that is what this is.

Roar back. It will quite possibly stop him in his tracks. Don't throw things or damage anything. Just stand there and scream.

Your H hates himself. You cannot ever make him happy.

I was married to a man so like him it is uncanny, including the constant criticism, the tantrums and all the rest. He turned out to like gay porn. That is as much as I know for certain. I have my suspicions that he had had a hidden life for a good while. His home life with his parents was like the one your H had with his, except it was his mother that did the domineering. Counselling got us absolutely nowhere. Big surprise.

You haven't magically made it all better. Therefore you are damned.

Your DS is afraid of his father and he is desperately anxious that you will get hurt eventually. He wants you to be safe. That is why he begged you to divorce. (When you come to your decision, please reassure him nonetheless that it is not due to his plea that you are doing it. Tell him that you had already made plans when he urged you to do it.)

Do phone the solicitor and make steady plans. Your self esteem and your feelings of self worth as a woman have been ground down to the dirt over the years of this cruelty and that is why this affair of yours has been a blessing of sorts in your life -- it has reminded you that there is more to life than the cage you are stuck in. You will find yourself fearful and hesitant as you plan. But please cross your fingers and keep moving forward. You will feel a weight lifting off your shoulders when you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Brilliant post Math.

esp Your H hates himself. You cannot ever make him happy

Soo true of this sort of man, it will always be your fault though so you are flogging a dead horse.

I hope you did call the solicitor and got some good advice. Your husband hates himself and nothing, NOTHING you do or dont do will ever make him happy.

You need the courage to leave, how you can live like this day to day would have me in knots. You must be a nervous wreck.

Math, I'd avoid telling the OP to kick off back at him, she's already said that's where the real escalation starts.

He's not depressed, he's abusing her. To rage about DS being 2m late - due to traffic - is unreasonable. Yet she's quaking in her boots, contemplating asking her DS to lie.

That's more than just a depressed H.

Sad but maybe true that yelling back would be counter productive. And in the end, complete disengagement is the aim here, both emotional and physical, so best to just plough ahead with a plan to shake the dust of this horrible marriage off her shoes and hopefully end up free.

I agree this is more than depression. There may be depression there too, but it is not the engine that is driving this man.

DH has gone out tonight, he'll be back at about 11. I tried to explain to him before he went out, how I'd been scared and the children had been scared by the titanic shouting. He said that he'd never hit me (it's true, he hasn't) and I was ridiculous to get scared just because he'd raised his voice.

Raised his voice????

Raising your voice is something that you do when you want to be heard over the TV or something. A raised voice does not equate to volcanic shouting eruptions over nothing in particular, leaving me physically shaking and the DCs both in tears. Multiple times in one weekend.

I literally thought of calling (a) the police (b) a mental health crisis team and (c) DH's sister, who is pretty much the only person he will listen to.

You had to be there maybe to appreciate the size and scale of it all.

I did tell him I wasn't happy. That was a mistake. Because then he started telling me how very unhappy he was. Fortunately he then had to go out. I am not looking forward to 11pm very much.

So he gets to define what is scary and what is not?
You are unhappy but he is moreso?

He doesn't want to know how you feel. You might as well talk to a wall.

Oh dear..have you sought legal advice? I never advocate leaving, but I feel your boys may be picking up on his bad behaviour and it will pass on to them!

Oh beyond :(

I can only echo the sound insight and advice people on here have given.

Please don't give it a second thought. Please don't end up doing what I had to do. It wasn't a marriage but a mentally abusive situation. As yours IS.

I had to hand my notice in at work, explain that I couldn't actually work the notice but that I had to leave THAT DAY. Add to that, I had to pack my things in secret and arrange to tiptoe out of the flat in the early hours of the morning to a car waiting around the corner to spirit me away to a new life.

I know mine is extreme but really, you desreve happiness. You have surely, put up with enough. As have the rest of your family.

Sod him. Even if leaving him gives him the justification (he will surely milk for all it's worth) to moan that it was All. Your. Fault. then let him have it. Your future happiness will far outweigh this.

All the very best.

Basically, you HAVE to end this, and as soon as possible.

If he shouts at you like this again, I think you really ought to consider calling the police. You need WA assistance here, you need to get as many support services involved as you can.

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days?

You have until 11pm, use the time wisely, call WA now, tell them what you told us, they might be able to get a support worker to come and chat with you.

Oh, one more thing. Mine only hit me a few times. Some of those times I'd goaded him into it, just to end the hours or even days of interrogation.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names damned near destroyed me.

Thank you very much. Heartfelt thanks.

This is going to be my mantra

I cannot ever make DH happy. Whatever i do and however I try.

Logically therefore I should give up trying. I did manage to make an appointment at a solicitors, which is some form of progress. Wish I could stop crying like a girl though.

Something was said somewhere on mn today that goes like this " I can't change people but I can change the way I react to them " this is so true. You cannot change the way somebody is only they can change if they want to, the question is does he ?

Oh Lovey, this is horrid for you and in a few weeks you'll see why this provoked the reaction it did.

can I suggest you add....'but I can/will take responsibility for my happiness and my children's happiness'

My personal tipping point was exh kicking me out of bed one night because ds (9 months at the time) was crying. I was bundled up with a heavy cold but apparently that was no excuse...

I never looked back and was able to fully indulge myself in enjoying the flirting with very lovely 20 year old men that went some way to restoring me sense of myself as sexy :)

Ultimately I realised that I owed it to DS to instill in him a sense of what love was all about and staying with his father would never teach him that.

Last year I remarried and my very lovely DH and my DS are my world in a way that enriches me and our family.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Oh please, please leave his horrible man! It's been said umpteen times already, but what kind of example are you setting your boys by staying with his vile, abusive apology for a person? I can't blame you for having an affair, but it's just a symptom of the elephant in the room, which is your utterly dead, miserable marriage. Leave him. Take your kids and find some happiness in your life. When you do I'm sure you'll wonder why on earth it took you so long to do so x

Well done Beyond, it is the first small step.

My father was controlling and domineering just like your DH. He made all our lives hell. If we were laughing and joking around as children, when he walked into a room we would stop, for fear of him losing his temper. He didn't hit us either.

He finally divorced my stepmother after much begging from all the children, we we're tired of the horrid atmosphere and the fights.

You can be strong, but that doesn't mean that you cannot grieve for your marriage and what you thought would happen. You have tried (and I mean really, really tried) to make it work. It hasn't and whilst that is upsetting at the moment it would be more upsetting to waste another ten years in your marriage.

Please keep on going, and continue to post, MN is at its greatest when providing support to those who truly need it. FWIW I don't think the affair in this situation is exactly a bad thing, I think it may be a distraction but if it makes you feel actually human then that is a good thing.

Don't worry about crying all the time - it's a stress release :)

When are you seeing the solicitor. As we said earlier, take every opportunity to get copies of all the financial documentation in the house. These are not his investments/savings etc they are shared. You have to think of you and the boys and get tough.

In a few months time when you have left him and things have settled down a bit, you will look back and I promise you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

Well he's back, and he;s being nice

ARGHH Why does he do this? I know fine well he will be back shouting at me tomorrow

Because it drains him to be Mr Angry 24 hours a day. He needs a break. It is nothing to do with any feeling for you.

Because on some level he knows. That he is out of order.

This is a very tormented man. BUT remember the three Cs:

You didn't Cause it
You cannot Control it
You CANNOT Cure it. (courtesy of Al-Anon. Alcohol or not, Al-Anon is thoroughly recommended for any co-dependent person)

Those are all his responsibility, his choices to cure or run away from.

Beyond, what are your responsibilities?

To stop enabling an abusive situation
To stop your denial (wishing and hoping he will change, 'see' the light, return to the person you loved. That is all HIS problem, not yours)
To protect your children and take them out of an unhappy situation
To look at 'why' this situation has a 'hook' for you. What part YOU play in all of this.
To get a sense of yourself in his presence again, and keep it.
To learn boundaries.

Stopping being a co-dependent is as hard work as the work he should be doing. They are the two sides of the same coin. But the only person you can change, is yourself.

I have just pm'd you.

Listen to me very, very carefully.

He sounds just like my husbands ex - shouty shouty rather than physically abusive.

Capitals for emphasis not shoutiness.

GET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THERE.

I've nothing much to add really as everything has already been said. I just wanted to offer some support.

He is a terrible man and will never change. Don't let temporary periods if niceness cloud your judgement on what you need to do. None if this is your fault. He will behave just the same in future relationships. His behaviour sounds so familiar to me.

I hope things start moving soon.