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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am having an affair

145 replies

Beyondcaring · 07/01/2012 03:42

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Please don't out me if you recognise.

The back story is that my husband is not particularly nice to me. Never physically abusive, but boy, can he dish out the criticism. DS2 is 12 years old now, and I have not had sex with my husband since he was born.

Truthfully and honestly this has driven me slightly mental. I like sex. I would like to have sex with my husband, except he has been so vile that I cannot countenance it.

So for example. This Christmas, I wrote all the cards, put the tree up, bought a bushel-load of presents for his family and my family and our family. I did the stockings. I got up at 6am to do all the cooking for his family and my family and our family. He contributed nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to lay the table.

His mother, apparently, (had she been alive) would have made sure there was bread sauce on the table. Well here's the jag. I had been cooking for five solid hours and if I have forgotten the sodding bread sauce, that should not be a big deal. But no at the end of the day he said that this was the worst Christmas he had ever had in his life.

We both work and contribute financially. I earn more. This probably makes him feel insecure. It doesn't bother me.

But I like sex. I really like sex. Always have and probably always will. I have gone for years without sex. So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son. He is a joy. Generous and caring and giving in bed. Lots of cuddling. Lots of uninhibited delight. The deal was that we weren't supposed to get attached, because I have responsibilities and he should be out with a girl of his own age having fun and if he were to meet such a girl I would obediently disappear in a puff of smoke.

The deal is not working. He is getting attached. I am getting attached. It is not possible to shag someone senseless over a period of nigh on a year without getting attached. I have to end this for his good. And probably for my good. And I am truly gutted about this

I am also truly gutted that my husband doesn't love me and is a twat but I am reconciled to that. More or less. The thinking is that we will split when the children leave home. That's 7 years away, minimum.

I don't even know why I am posting this in the middle of the night. I'm just going to get flamed for having an affair. Well i am having an affair. And do you know what? It's made me happier than anything has done for years. Leaving my lover is going to make me really sad, but I think I need to get out of his life, and stop indulging in escapism and deal with my misery of a husband.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 07/01/2012 08:14

This affair can fulfil one of 2 functions in your life

The first (as mathanxiety points out) is that it can remind you how much life you could be living if you weren't married to a horrible man who treats you badly but expects to benefit from your domestic work.

The second is that it might make this half life you are living seem bearable for 7 (7!) more years.

Whether you split with your lover is the wrong decision to be focusing on, and is leading you down the second path.

Go the other way! You are young and sexy and full of life.

Don't squash all that for a surly teenager (the one you are married to).

Alouisee · 07/01/2012 08:19

I can't see what you get out of your marriage, he doesn't love or support you in anyway at all. File for divorce because of his bloody unreasonable behaviour, dont wait for him to file on the grounds of your adultery. I'm really glad that you've met someone nice after all these years. Good luck.

unreasonablemuch · 07/01/2012 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneLieIn · 07/01/2012 08:28

Op, also remember that if dh finds out about the affair, so will your dc. Don't let that happen

Purpleroses · 07/01/2012 08:40

Staying together for the sake of the children isn't good. My ex's parents stayed together for that reason, bickering, and making each other miserable. This is a good part of the reason why my ex is my ex - he genuinely didn't believe that people could be happy being married, and had nothing but negative role modelling.

Speaking as a lone parent, life is great! I've had several short-term relationships over the last few years and lots of fun. And now have a new partner whom I love and am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with. And my DCs are happy, well-adjusted kids. They still see their dad regularly, but I also really like that the get to see me and DP being kind and loving to one another. You don't need to stay in a miserable marriage to do the best for your kids - either make it better, or get out of it.

sassy34264 · 07/01/2012 08:42

woolyideas she said he is young enough to be her son, not that he is her sons age!

i am old enough to have an 18 year old child, but i dont- i think that is what she meant.

sassy34264 · 07/01/2012 08:42

woolyideas she said he is young enough to be her son, not that he is her sons age!

i am old enough to have an 18 year old child, but i dont- i think that is what she meant.

alsteff · 07/01/2012 08:44

morning, I think the writing is on the wall, literally. I agree that you should end both the affair and your marriage. 7yrs is a heck of a long time...... you have had the opportunity to have an affair, your husband may be presented with that opportunity too. Divorce is always bad but it can be 'managed' properly to have minimal impact on all of those involved. If there's an affair involved it's harder to manage, as you are dealing with additional issues of anger, rejection, guilt and jealously which just complicate things further. It is possible, that as with me, the relationship between your husband and you son, will actually improve post divorce. The fact that your life will improve on every level, except perhaps financially, is a given.

Original poster
Beyondcaring · 07/01/2012 08:47

That's what I meant :)

Thank you for all your responses. Thank you as well for not condemning me out of hand.

OP posts:
miserablemum · 07/01/2012 08:56

Good , hope you end up in a happier place soon...

HoudiniHissy · 07/01/2012 17:44

Why not end the sham of a marriage? and the affair.

Spend some time on your own, to recover and then go find a boyfriend that you CAN have a proper relationship with.

LucieLucie · 07/01/2012 20:03

Sorry to hear you are both so unhappy in your marriage but please realise that marriage shouldn't be a trap. There is a way out of this right now. Dont end up being the 'one in the wrong, the one he can blame for it all going wrong based on your recent affair.

Life is too short to live a miserable life, the affair with the lover is just a brief escape for you into a fantasy world, you need to take the bull by the horns and make arrangements to leave. Your son will be fine as children adjust with the right support. It cant be nice for him at the moment listening to his Dad putting his Mum down constantly either.

Also...a man...no sex with wife for 12 years = getting it elsewhere. Just my opinion of course.
Take care of yourself.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2012 20:10

I agree 100% LucieLucie.

The scene you described at Christmas would wound your DS.
Don't self sabotage at this point, Beyond, and snoop a bit on your H.

verytellytubby · 07/01/2012 20:12

Why don't you leave your DH? Especially if you earn more.

MadameCastafiore · 07/01/2012 20:14

So its better that your kid gets taught that your sort of freaky relationship is normal rather than comiong from a broken home and having a happy mum who gets shagged a lot.

lowra · 07/01/2012 20:29

Leave your husband.

babyhammock · 07/01/2012 20:47

Please don't waste another 7 years on this moron.
I'm not suprised you don't regret the affair
I'd also stop doing anything at all for him x

LemonDifficult · 07/01/2012 20:59

Don't have two break ups at the same time. That would be crap.

I think you're right that the current guy isn't going to work out. If the dynamics of your marriage change the dynamics of the affair relationship will change anyway. Painful as it will be, I'd break up cleanly with this guy first. At least that will keep some romance to it and avoid additional mess.

Then tackle the marriage. I think if you've stuck around this long it would be worth trying one more time with professional help. Don't throw that chance away for toyboy chasing that'll come to not much.

Is there any chance your H might be using bread sauce and not helping as his reason for 'the worst Christmas' because pride is stopping him admit out loud that he knows he's being cuckolded?

CeeCee1186 · 07/01/2012 21:09

Have you had this younger guy checked out? Right now I am dating someone and not sure about him. I like him and we get along great, BUT there is just something about him. My friend suggest that I have him checked out through a company she uses. She checks everyone out that she dates. I think that she watches too much TV. lol Well, good luck and I hope I can make the right decision too. Confused

AnyFucker · 07/01/2012 21:15

Just leave your husband, fgs

all this drama ?

totally un-necessary

unless you like sneaking around, enjoy the subterfuge ?

leave your husband and you can shag who you like

barkwithnobite · 07/01/2012 21:28

No sex for 12yrs!!! Crickey! Do you have an open relationship?

MayMaxwell · 07/01/2012 21:43

I am with AnyFucker - leave the git, if you weren't married and you didn't have dc you'd be out the door, but infact you aren't married to a loving husband and your dc must realise this, and the affair - well if you are going anywhere with it you need to do it from scratch without your dh on the scene - I expect both of you won't want to carry it on (probaby because you will want to spread your wings a little Wink) but become single and then you can find out.

fuzzynavel · 07/01/2012 22:54

Uncaring husband and a young lover?

Yes, OP.

Close both doors and start again!

DialMforMummy · 08/01/2012 10:01

No point in staying for the sake of your DC, think of what sort of example you lay for them. A divorce is far healthier IMO but tough. I'd split from the lover before leaving DH so both issues are separate and so you don't run the risk of being accused of wrong doing.
Good luck

Abitwobblynow · 08/01/2012 11:41

I can hear that you still have feelings for your H and are wishing and hoping for the old H to come back.

The one thing you haven't done is lay down boundaries with your H and give him clear warning that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Your H may be a narcissist (was he spoiled rotten by Mummykins?) and may never care about your needs and feelings. He might have put on that lovely charming act in order to get you.

So I am not going to say divorce. I am going to say you seriously need to do some 'me' work and learn to stop enabling nasty H and giving him consequences instead. That means you have to develop your sense of self. And that needs counselling to give you support whilst you learn to be stronger with H.

Like everyone says, the affair is running away (and must stop). Now you know you are desired, sexy, wonderful, fun - don't let ANYONE least of all snipy H take that away from you.

Know that you are helping H give your boys a terrible model of how to treat women. If anything do it for them.

DO NOT TELL. End it, no evidence and move on with your new life. Which might have to involve divorce, but that is down the line if H can't or won't change. But it is not fair nor honest nor clear, if he is not given due warning. People do what they are allowed to get away with. The one person you can change, is yourself.