I am having an affair

[Beyondcaring]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Please don't out me if you recognise.

The back story is that my husband is not particularly nice to me. Never physically abusive, but boy, can he dish out the criticism. DS2 is 12 years old now, and I have not had sex with my husband since he was born.

Truthfully and honestly this has driven me slightly mental. I like sex. I would like to have sex with my husband, except he has been so vile that I cannot countenance it.

So for example. This Christmas, I wrote all the cards, put the tree up, bought a bushel-load of presents for his family and my family and our family. I did the stockings. I got up at 6am to do all the cooking for his family and my family and our family. He contributed nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to lay the table.

His mother, apparently, (had she been alive) would have made sure there was bread sauce on the table. Well here's the jag. I had been cooking for five solid hours and if I have forgotten the sodding bread sauce, that should not be a big deal. But no at the end of the day he said that this was the worst Christmas he had ever had in his life.

We both work and contribute financially. I earn more. This probably makes him feel insecure. It doesn't bother me.

But I like sex. I really like sex. Always have and probably always will. I have gone for years without sex. So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son. He is a joy. Generous and caring and giving in bed. Lots of cuddling. Lots of uninhibited delight. The deal was that we weren't supposed to get attached, because I have responsibilities and he should be out with a girl of his own age having fun and if he were to meet such a girl I would obediently disappear in a puff of smoke.

The deal is not working. He is getting attached. I am getting attached. It is not possible to shag someone senseless over a period of nigh on a year without getting attached. I have to end this for his good. And probably for my good. And I am truly gutted about this

I am also truly gutted that my husband doesn't love me and is a twat but I am reconciled to that. More or less. The thinking is that we will split when the children leave home. That's 7 years away, minimum.

I don't even know why I am posting this in the middle of the night. I'm just going to get flamed for having an affair. Well i am having an affair. And do you know what? It's made me happier than anything has done for years. Leaving my lover is going to make me really sad, but I think I need to get out of his life, and stop indulging in escapism and deal with my misery of a husband.

So you are miserable, your kids are miserable and yet you're still staying?

Reasons for not divorcing?

I remember the way we used to be. Sentimental bollocks really. Also I thought it would do the children good to be raised in a stable home. This is not a stable home, though. And things are never going to get better. I know that logically and I'm sorry about that, But it's been so bad for so long now, that I know we haven't a hope.

Very tired now!

Don't worry about replying, but ...

In three visits to Relate did a counsellor never suggest that the non-sex might be related to issues of control? And how did the sessions end each time?

I know a lot of people on here have good experiences of Relate (and I know I always say "Have you considered Relate?") but they can be ... uneven. And it only works if both partners are committed to the process and pretty open. I think it's pretty impossible for it to work if there is an abusive dynamic in the relationship. Indeed, I've read on here that it's downright endangering if there is an abusive dynamic in the relationship and that Relate counsellors won't continue counselling sessions with the couple together if they spot that dynamic.

Your weekend sounds well beyond functional, and definitely heading towards emotional abuse if that sort of thing is going on all the time. Hope I'm wrong there.

what is your relationship with your parents like? And what was their relationship like when you were growing up?

What an awful sitiation you are in. I hope you find the strength to leave this idiot. Please dont feel guilty about your affair, just make sure your not so DH does not find out and have an excuse to abuse you further. Goodnight.

'situation'

God, listen to your son OP. This marriage is damaging your children as well as you, but you get to make a choice, they don't do they?

The problem with the lover is that he's been the delay factor in getting out earlier, as well as what everyone else has said about it pushing you into the role of the baddie if and when it gets found out. You don't say how old your lover is, but there's a big difference between a man in his early twenties and a teenager. If he's the latter and sexually inexperienced before this, it's potentially quite an abusive situation because it's forming associations for him between sexuality and conflict and that can damage a younger person who has been propelled into a triangular relationship this early in life. If he's older and more capable of making his own decisions, then it's a different matter.

I'm sure you'd be concerned if one of your sons was in this situation and this is why I'd prefer to think that this man is a good few years older than your eldest son. Although he's technically old enough to be your son, you can't really project how you'd feel if you were his mother, because you don't yet know what it's like to parent a 20+ year old. I do hope that's the case anyway, because I imagine we'd all be spitting blood and feathers at a story of an older MM who having sex for a year with a young girl, however unhappy his marriage or however abusive his wife. We'd be concerned for the young girl, wouldn't we?

The first step is to get out of your marriage - really you must.

I don't think I ever saw my parents exchange a cross word. Not one. DH's parents had a disastrous marriage: animosity, control issues (MIL was literally not allowed to buy a new saucepan without permission, which was famously denied for over a year, despite there being no money worries), separate bedrooms etc. The happiest I ever saw MIL was on the day of FIL's funeral.

I did once say to DH that I didn't want to relive his parents' marriage. Cue a long and angry shouting session about there being nothing whatsoever wrong with his parents' marriage.

The chap I am seeing is in his early twenties, not a teenager, and in no way sexually inexperienced. But given that I am in my early forties, it does sort feel that I am getting in the way of his meeting a nice girl. It's been gorgeous though, and he is absolutely lovely to me. For that I am quite pathetically grateful.

I'm just wondering what the reasons for staying are. I know you've given some answers earlier - and I'm sure they're true. The thing is, you also know how far from ideal this is.

I think the other posters who've pointed out that it's still going to come as a shock to the children in 7 years - and may even be worse for them - have a point.

So I do wonder if there are other things going on. An obvious candidate would be that your parents' marriage wasn't good, and that you don't, honestly believe that better is possible. Or that your family don't reinforce your sense of value - so you think you don't really deserve better. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I'm no pyschologist/psychiatrist/counsellor but I wonder if it would help to talk to someone who is and really get to grips with what your fears are?

Of course, it is possible that you are being v. logical, and you can cope, and your reading of the situation is correct. But I read your thread and it does sound as though you are really not happy in your life - and as an earlier poster said, this really is our one and only life.

You are right that there must be some self-esteem issues in all this sorry mess.

There was a post from Amelia earlier down the thread that just struck such a chord

"Then just as things start getting better enough for her to even think about sex with him, he behaves like an arse again- so back down the ladder. She admits she ties sex in with an emotional connection and without that she has no real desire for sex. He is too busy working to find another woman ( and too much of an arse to make the effort to charm anyone into bed). so it can happen- no sex for a long time, and no affairs either."

Snap!

We had three separate series of counselling sessions with Relate. The first was really good, the second was a bit dubious, the focus seemed to revolve around me leaving my job, which just isn't possible for financial reasons. The third was not useful at all, because we never opened up properly and admitted that we were not having sex.

You see what DH's parents did to your DH... you are doing that to your DS's - do you really want to be doing that?

Don't let H know about MrYouth, don't let the DS's know about MrYouth, but actually, for now, I'd keep seeing him, but be extra careful. I would say to him that this really will come to a natural end at some time - don't give him any long term 'hope' as I think that would be unfair (on both of you).

O come on, honey. First the bread sauce then the pork chops followed by meltdown because a dc wanted to sleepover with a pal? You can't go on like this.

Forget Relate - get yourself to a solicitor or post here on Legal and start the process of getting the bad tempered twunt out of your life before more damage is done to your dcs.

Going against common MN opinion, not all affairs are bad. However, your marriage is. New year, new you. Tell your DH you want out and are serious about it.

Wow. BC, you are a battered woman. Do you know this? He might not lay a finger on you, but you are in an abusive situation.

Your child begged you to get divorced? WHAT are you waiting for? Even if you have become used to it (Stockholm syndrome), how can you put your kids through it??????

Listen, Beyond: it is time to get smart. You do in all fairness need to send him a text today saying 'your behaviour over the weekend was absolutely unacceptable and you have crossed a line. You have to admit that you have a large problem, or I have to consider my options'. Do not delete this text.

1. Get any recording device. Phone, iPad, whatever. When he starts, turn it on. Get the abuse on record. In this, ask the kids to surreptitiously turn their devices on too if they can video.

1. Get a restraining order. Get him out of the house.

1. Start divorce proceedings.

1. Get professional support, and work on letting go of your hopes and dreams of recapturing that lovely man. He would have to work very, very hard for a very long time on a permanent 'moral and fearless inventory' to become a man worth living with. Is he the type of character who would do this, work on himself for himself even if you might have moved on by the time he finishes? Only you can answer that.

Listen: I saw an advice column, and the person said: my husband died 10 years ago, and they have been the happiest years of my life. [I didn't see that one coming!].

Her question: we have never talked about his meanness and abuse my son clams up, I know my daughter has been hurt by it, how can I start the process?

Psychologists reply: Start with gentle questions. You need to apologise to your children for doing nothing and going along with the abuse, and for failing to protect them.

Think about it, Beyond.

Why can't you just leave your husband? Leave him a packet of bread sauce while your at it.

I don't post much on relationships threads, but...oh boy.

I agree that you have to split up. You are not living with the husband of the past - it you met him today would you honestly tell anyone to start or stay in a relationship with him? Read all the threads on here from women who have split up and say that life may have new challenges afterwards, but they feel so much better about their situation.

I feel that you should leave with the suppport of Women's Aid, because I feel a bit scared for how he might react at the time you say you are leaving.

The lovely young man? Meet him one last time then tell him you have to take a no contact break for at least six months. During that time he should feel free to pursue any relationship he wants.

Best wishes.

Your child begged you to get divorced?

Bloody well get divorced then. Who is the most important person / people in your life? Your son / children, obviously. Never mind the affair. Never mind your husband. Would you stake your life on a lottery ticket? You'd have better odds hitting the jackpot than of him morphing into the person he was when you met.

My dh grew up in a household where his parents finally got divorced when he was 22. They'd been at each other's throats throughout his childhood and it really would have been so much better if they'd called it a day a good 20 years before they actually did.

Your poor ds - this is a terrible home life and you owe it him to get out, so he really can have a stable home life with you, rather than living in the stressful situation where your H can just lose it for no reason. If you don't get out, your child is going to grow up a nervous wreck. Staying together 'for the children' only works if both parties are committed to providing a stable home life, you can't do it without your husbands cooperation and he clearly doesn't give a shit about providing this for child.

Your son will not forgive you if you stay with this man.

The fact that you're having an affair is immaterial. You're married to a horrible abusive swine who is ruining yours and your sons' lives. Kick him out and start divorce proceedings. Your sons will support you and thank you for it. Don't prolong the agony.

My advice is that you have some counselling immediately - to give yourself the courage to leave.

Despite what everyone else is saying re. your affair, I believe you have a strong conscience. If you had not, you would have left your marriage ages back.

It is very easy for other people to tell you to end a marriage. It is much harder to do so in reality when as you say you look back to how things were- and you have children .

My friend is married to a man who abuses her emotionally a lot of the time- the couple who have not had sex for 11 years, but they have no kids. She has found the strength to stay because she had counselling which has helped her stand up to him, and also he works overseas so they do not together day to day.

But as one of her BFs, I know that myself and 2 other friends were begging her to leave him- and she couldn't. Even her counsellor was telling her to( and they are supposed to be impartial.)

The reason she stayed was because sometimes it IS okay, and she is very proud- and committed to the "married state".

So I do understand why, even when things look awful to outsiders, you can't just up and go..

But- I still think you ought to- in your own time and with some professional support along the way.

The lover is incidental IMO- I don't think you owe your DH and loyalty or respect the way he treats you, but you need to protect yourself from hurt- so either carry on with the young man until you are ready to end it, or allow him to go when he wants to- with no regrets.

I think people in your situation often need the 'final push' factor. I can't help noticing that for many women in abusive relationships, that seems to be infidelity. They'll put up with god know's what, abuse, violence, harm to their kids, but it's only when they find out he was screwing around that they said 'enough'.

None of us really know who's been unfaithful and who hasn't, so while I agreed with the earlier post about it's possible for a couple to go without sex for 12 years it's vanishingly rare and no-one apart from the individuals in that couple knows the truth. Unfortunately even 'arses' of the worst order are capable of getting some women to sleep with them. Some women have very low standards or they are in it for different reasons.

So it's my hunch that your husband has not been faithful all these years OP. If that's what it takes to get you out of this marriage, it's a shame because it really shouldn't matter and is the least of the damage your husband has caused.

So let's say you both use affairs as escape routes. The kids can't have an affair to get out of this hell that is their home-life can they? What they can do is 'have an affair' with their friends' families, spending as much time as they can out of the house. That might be what's behind all those sleepovers OP.

never mind joint counselling - get some for yourself! And Get Out Of The Marriage!

Emotional abuse is a horrendous thing, and this is what is happening to you.

If your child is begging you to get divorced please listen.

Life will be so much better for you and your children without this man around.

It's never easy to leave even the crappiest marriage.

OP, bearing in mind your thread title, have you noticed the overwhelming LACK of criticism on here for you having an affair?

I don't think I have ever seen that in years of MN.

What does that tell you?

OP please leave now, you owe it to your children to even if you somehow think you have to stay, they certainly shouldnt have togo through this.

re 22 phone calls while you were out this weekend, that may be down to him being controlling on the other hand it may be because he suspects you are having an affair your situation at the moment is dangerous, you need to get out of it now.