I am having an affair

[Beyondcaring]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Please don't out me if you recognise.

The back story is that my husband is not particularly nice to me. Never physically abusive, but boy, can he dish out the criticism. DS2 is 12 years old now, and I have not had sex with my husband since he was born.

Truthfully and honestly this has driven me slightly mental. I like sex. I would like to have sex with my husband, except he has been so vile that I cannot countenance it.

So for example. This Christmas, I wrote all the cards, put the tree up, bought a bushel-load of presents for his family and my family and our family. I did the stockings. I got up at 6am to do all the cooking for his family and my family and our family. He contributed nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to lay the table.

His mother, apparently, (had she been alive) would have made sure there was bread sauce on the table. Well here's the jag. I had been cooking for five solid hours and if I have forgotten the sodding bread sauce, that should not be a big deal. But no at the end of the day he said that this was the worst Christmas he had ever had in his life.

We both work and contribute financially. I earn more. This probably makes him feel insecure. It doesn't bother me.

But I like sex. I really like sex. Always have and probably always will. I have gone for years without sex. So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son. He is a joy. Generous and caring and giving in bed. Lots of cuddling. Lots of uninhibited delight. The deal was that we weren't supposed to get attached, because I have responsibilities and he should be out with a girl of his own age having fun and if he were to meet such a girl I would obediently disappear in a puff of smoke.

The deal is not working. He is getting attached. I am getting attached. It is not possible to shag someone senseless over a period of nigh on a year without getting attached. I have to end this for his good. And probably for my good. And I am truly gutted about this

I am also truly gutted that my husband doesn't love me and is a twat but I am reconciled to that. More or less. The thinking is that we will split when the children leave home. That's 7 years away, minimum.

I don't even know why I am posting this in the middle of the night. I'm just going to get flamed for having an affair. Well i am having an affair. And do you know what? It's made me happier than anything has done for years. Leaving my lover is going to make me really sad, but I think I need to get out of his life, and stop indulging in escapism and deal with my misery of a husband.

Warning Signs you are Dating/married to a Loser

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

This describes his behaviour.

Agree with AF

He does this because he likes controlling you. As someone says, he knows his behaviour is not acceptable. BUT I would hazard a guess the being nice isn't because he fears losing you as such. He throws you a crumb, some small glimmer of hope for (as he thinks) YOUR benefit, not his.

Put it this way. IF, as he says, his life is so shit, you're the main contributor to that fact then you leaving will be doing him a massive favour yes? I actually think he wouldn't give a toss. Someone has to care first to give a toss. That certainly doesn't describe him (from what you've said). Nobody who cares would systematically strip someone of their self worth, constantly belittle them, shout unresaonablt on a daily basis, torment them and blame them for just about everything.

Please keep posting/updating. When is your appointment at the solicitors?

Lots of hand holding available.

Being nice is actually part of the abuse!

He knew you'd be prepared for him to be evil to you, so he came home calm, to pull the rug.

Remember that his anger is not real, it's not justified, it's totally manufactured, to manipulate and control you.

I've just picked up 'Power and Control - why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers, it's scarily accurate, I'm only a few pages in and am absolutely rocked to the core.

OP, get out of there, please?

Beyond: WHEN he starts shouting again, try not to panic. Try to remain calm.

Keep your voice quiet, but resolute.

"You are not entitled to talk to me this way"

Over and over. If he won't stop, stop whatever it is you are doing, don't say a word and just take the DC and go out.

If it's at night, take your phone, go to the bathroom, lock the door and call WA or better the police.

Try not to get caught up in his drama. If he wasn't yelling at you, if he were with someone else, you can bet your pension on the fact that he'd be yelling at her.. This is not about you at all.

Wobbly's Al-Anon stuff is really illuminating, take note of her words. This is HIS choice!

Beyond - just checking in with you today - how are you doing?

Was wondering how you are today OP? I think the best thing that you can do (apart from leave/kick him out) is to not react at all to his screaming. Dont explain yourself to him or try to justify why you said/did whatever.

Thank you so much for all your support.

There have been very few words spoken. He went to work this morning, as did I. I haven't been able to focus on work very much and keep feeling a bit tearful. It's only natural, I suppose.

I really don't want to get into the discussion that started the other day, when I try to tell him how unacceptable his behaviour is and how it makes me feel, only for him to ignore everything I've said and bring out a litany of complaints, a lot of which are unjustified that we have discussed time and again.

Not looking forward to going home, really.

Chin up chicken, we are all here for you. listen to those with experience, they know and have been there and will help you every step of the way.

If things kick off again, don't hesitate to call the police.

He has followed his own parents relationship fuck ups, you are now what his mother was to his farther. Don't let it pass down to your kids, them treating and being treated like this. Break the cycle and get him out.

Get your confidence and self esteem back, work at that and then kick him out. For your childrens sake, they deserve better and so do you.

Your marriage sounds horrible, trust me your kids won't thank you for staying and using them as an excuse to do so.

Look, you don't need to wait until he sees things from a reasonable point of view. You don't need to engage - or to make him see that's he's the unreasonable one. Just let go. I know it's hard, everything in you is burning with the injustice - but let him have the last word. Let him think you're in the wrong. He will do anyway.

What Robot says. You CANNOT win this.

"I try to tell him how unacceptable his behaviour is and how it makes me feel, only for him to ignore everything I've said and bring out a litany of complaints, a lot of which are unjustified that we have discussed time and again."

is the problem. He will not hear you, because he probably cannot hear you (narcissist, childhood defenses too strong, he doesn't want to look).

Remember the 3 Cs: you did not cause it, can't control it and you cannot cure it.

There is nothing more heartbreaking a disillusioning than coming to this conclusion. But this is what you need to accept, so that you can stop the futile trying to engage (see your dilemma, above) and let go. Letting go is heartbreak. It means accepting you don't have a relationship, you don't have a marriage, he isn't the person you thought he was, that you have wasted your life.

It hurts. No two ways about it.

Beyond, have just found your thread and am lost for words.

Your H behaviour is completely unacceptable but you can't change it.
You are not the cause of his behaviour, he is but you know that too.

What will make you leave? What needs to happen for you to make that appointment at the solicitors? The notion of leaving must be horrifying but you owe it to yourself and to your children even more.

So true that you will never have the sense that even one word that you needed to say will be heard. The more you try to be heard, the more it will drive you nuts. It takes a bit of time to shake off the feeling that you have wasted all the years. Seeing your children steadily growing into healthy young adults helps, but the feeling of bleakness when you know it is hopeless is horrible.

'Remember the 3 Cs: you did not cause it, can't control it and you cannot cure it'

That's really helpful. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and it's beyond me how anyone can cure it.

I will do what needs to be done. I don't think the years with DH have been wasted. I have two lovely children. I'm just very sorry that it all ended up this way.

Thank you all so very much.

Please don't beat yourself up whilst sorting things. It's not point scorring eh.

Take care of yourself and your Dcs

x

just read all of the thread. keep posting?

and think about the help you'll need when you do leave with the dcs. People who know you will prob. have some grasp of your situation, so people will be less shocked than you may think, in my experience.

Sorry, Beyond, I didn't mean 'wasted' literally, I was trying to describe the mourning.

Because this all hurts. And here on Mumsnet we have got your back I hope you can hear the understanding and support you have here.

Let us know how you are, how he is. He probably 'knows' on some level the pork chops was over the line and so will 'be nice' for a bit to get you back in line.

A counsellor described these relationships like a one-armed bandit. You get little payout, and then you put in those quarters - invest and invest and invest - until it feels like you will lose too much to walk away, and then the [abusive one] will realise that they have too far and you might walk, so they give a little 'pay out' to get your hopes back up....

Heartbreaking!

Yes, that was the sense I used 'wasted' too. It's all a journey and even the blind alleys take you somewhere.

And very true about other people not being completely surprised.

He sounds a bit like my father, no physical abuse but the rages, complaints, walking on eggshells etc. I wish my mum had left when we were young. I truly believe if she had I would have more self confidence and a better relationship myself, much of what I believe is down to issues from my childhood. It definitely left it's mark. My mum might style be alive also as I think the unhappiness, stress and bullying she put up with might have been a factor in her illness.