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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am having an affair

145 replies

Beyondcaring · 07/01/2012 03:42

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Please don't out me if you recognise.

The back story is that my husband is not particularly nice to me. Never physically abusive, but boy, can he dish out the criticism. DS2 is 12 years old now, and I have not had sex with my husband since he was born.

Truthfully and honestly this has driven me slightly mental. I like sex. I would like to have sex with my husband, except he has been so vile that I cannot countenance it.

So for example. This Christmas, I wrote all the cards, put the tree up, bought a bushel-load of presents for his family and my family and our family. I did the stockings. I got up at 6am to do all the cooking for his family and my family and our family. He contributed nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to lay the table.

His mother, apparently, (had she been alive) would have made sure there was bread sauce on the table. Well here's the jag. I had been cooking for five solid hours and if I have forgotten the sodding bread sauce, that should not be a big deal. But no at the end of the day he said that this was the worst Christmas he had ever had in his life.

We both work and contribute financially. I earn more. This probably makes him feel insecure. It doesn't bother me.

But I like sex. I really like sex. Always have and probably always will. I have gone for years without sex. So I have started shagging a bloke who is young enough to be my son. He is a joy. Generous and caring and giving in bed. Lots of cuddling. Lots of uninhibited delight. The deal was that we weren't supposed to get attached, because I have responsibilities and he should be out with a girl of his own age having fun and if he were to meet such a girl I would obediently disappear in a puff of smoke.

The deal is not working. He is getting attached. I am getting attached. It is not possible to shag someone senseless over a period of nigh on a year without getting attached. I have to end this for his good. And probably for my good. And I am truly gutted about this

I am also truly gutted that my husband doesn't love me and is a twat but I am reconciled to that. More or less. The thinking is that we will split when the children leave home. That's 7 years away, minimum.

I don't even know why I am posting this in the middle of the night. I'm just going to get flamed for having an affair. Well i am having an affair. And do you know what? It's made me happier than anything has done for years. Leaving my lover is going to make me really sad, but I think I need to get out of his life, and stop indulging in escapism and deal with my misery of a husband.

OP posts:

WhatstheScenario · 08/01/2012 11:49

Get out of your marriage NOW. It is clearly over. You don't have sex, there doesn't appear to be much love and affection there...and you are having a sexual and emotional affair. These are the facts.

What are you waiting for? Surely not some misguided belief that if you stay together 'for the sake of the kids' you will be doing the right thing? That is such bollocks! Do you seriously think your kids don't know or at least feel that you don't love each other? That you aren't happy?

Just end the marriage. Seven more years of being miserable? Not realistic.

WhatstheScenario · 08/01/2012 11:51

Your old DH aint coming back. I can say that with 100% certainty. He has got used to treating you a certain way and it is highly unlikely he will change. Twelve years of no sex and talking down to you? Come on. Be realistic. If this was a friend you would have sacked them off years ago.

tadpoles · 08/01/2012 12:06

I too don't understand why you are still with him. I could understand your situation a lot more if you had a nice, kind husband who was a good father but the relationship had run out of steam. I could then see that you would be in a huge dilemma over whether to follow sex drive or stick with the cool and rather dull comfort of the marriage bed.

BUT - he sounds like an arse. Not a good role model for children. What are the reasons you are staying with him if he is not a good friend and companion and not even being a good role model and father for your children?

Also, as others have said, no sex for 12 YEARS!!!! Are you sure he isn't getting it somewhere else too?! (Not that it really matters as you yourself have said you can't bear the thought of it with him...)

You run the danger of coming out as 'the bad guy' if your affair is discovered which would probably be just what your husband wanted (even if he also has been having sex elsewhere). He can then 'blame' you for the failure of the marriage. This actually happened to a friend of mine - he had the audacity to paint himself as the poor betrayed husband when he was an utter SWINE - a bully, hypocrite etc. Don't allow him to find out and use it as a stick to beat you over the head with.

Get your ducks in a row and arrange for a separation, at the very least. Why not?

ameliagrey · 08/01/2012 14:51

It IS possible to have a sexless marriage with neither party playing away- my best friend and her DH have gone for 11 years without anything more than a peck on the cheek- because he's an arse and she can't bear him most of the time. Then just as things start getting better enough for her to even think about sex with him, he behaves like an arse again- so back down the ladder. She admits she ties sex in with an emotional connection and without that she has no real desire for sex. He is too busy working to find another woman ( and too much of an arse to make the effort to charm anyone into bed). so it can happen- no sex for a long time, and no affairs either.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 08/01/2012 19:34

I don't understand why everyone is telling you to end the affair.

But yes, either work on your marriage (then you will have to end the affair) or end it.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 19:43

really, child

you think this affair is a good thing ?

barkwithnobite · 08/01/2012 20:52

I don't blame her for having an affair!

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 21:12

neither do I "blame" her, but I still would say it isn't good for her, or, in fact for anyone in this whole sorry situation

tadpoles · 08/01/2012 21:35

"you think this affair is a good thing?"

After 12 years of no sex I think it's a bloody good thing! :)

I think having no intimacy for that long pretty much makes what is supposed to be an 'intimate relationship' invalid. Both of them sound miserable.

The fact that they have signed a piece of paper is really neither here nor there.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 21:42

it would be a "good thing" if the affair partner was otherwise unattached, and not a prick of the highest order

let's not let a little detail like that get in the way though...

Flanelle · 08/01/2012 21:49

This is going to end so badly.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/01/2012 22:00

I'm not usually in favour of affairs, but tbh, you are not really married. You have no sexual relationship with your husband and there is no affection or kindness from him. He is guilty of mental cruelty and doesn't deserve the respect that you should ordinarily give your spouse.

I'd ditch the husband and keep the lover. It might not last forever, but if he makes you happy and you make him happy, then you owe it to both of you to give it a fair chance and see where it goes.

I think it is bad for your ds to keep living in this atmosphere - kids aren't stupid.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 08/01/2012 22:02

Yes, AnyFucker, I do.

Flanelle · 08/01/2012 22:06

Yes you ARE really married. It is a legal fact.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/01/2012 22:18

I don't dispute that it's a legal fact, but emotionally the OP and her husband left the marriage long ago.

Flanelle · 08/01/2012 22:23

No, they are still definitely in the marriage together. They just don't have any good stuff left in it with them. Sort your legal shit out first people, THEN make your moves on sexy young things. Really, really simple.

whatstheetiquette · 08/01/2012 22:37

Leave your husband. He sounds absolutely unbearable and he is a total bastard to you. My dad was horrible in this sort of way to my mum for my whole childhood and they told me they were splitting when I was 16. My DB was at the time 13 years old and when my mum told him they were getting divorced, my brother replied with one word - "good". We had a good time with just my mum and my siblings once my dad was gone. Your children are both/all old enough to see exactly what is going on and whilst they may be initially shocked and upset that it comes to a divorce, ultimately, they will see it as the best thing in your situation and ultimately they will be better off. I don't usually advocate the leave the bastard line by the way, but I think in your situation it would be best.

Regarding the affair, I am speaking as the victim of an affair (DH had affair with colleague), I don't judge you for that. I usually think affairs are awful, but not in this case, specifically because your OM is not attached and also specifically because your H is basically abusing you. The situation here is a bit complicated - firstly I would not tell H and I would not tell DC about this affair. I think that I would end it for the sake of your affair partner - he probably needs to be with someone closer to his own age, so he can get have his own DC etc. I'm not against all age gap relationships but I think it would be kinder to let him go in this case.

tadpoles · 08/01/2012 22:38

Flannelle - the horse has bolted already! This tends to happen when relationships stop working. When there are children involved, it is easy to try to maintain the status quo, for obvious reasons. People will do what they want to do and quite frankly does anyone else really care that much (apart from getting on some moral soap-box, that it?)

And yes, I would definitely keep the lover. NO SEX FOR 12 YEARS - BLOODY HELL!!

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 22:39

karma...there is the small detail that OM is also married with children

is she supposed to ignore that, in the pursuit of some cock action true love ?

OP, have an exit affair if you must

just choose someone that isn't going to fuck you over, and make you feel 1000x worse, that's all

bodaba · 08/01/2012 22:41

Go back over the last 12 years and try and think what happened and when things changed.

Your H was probably having an affair (hope that I am wrong) but did not want to upset the apple-cart. Maybe he still is!

Perhaps your relationship with the young feller started because of your physical desire for sex and your mental need to know that you are not unattractive to the opposite sex. Maybe it's the classic "exit" affair.

Either way, OP, hope that it all works out well for you! Best wishes!

AnyFucker · 08/01/2012 22:41

a thousand apologies from me

I posted on the wrong thread

I am very sorry

mistaken identity, my fault entirely

carry on as you were

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 08/01/2012 22:44

Ditch your husband, keep your lover. Sorted

skullandcrossbones · 08/01/2012 22:49

what izzy said :)

Original poster

Beyondcaring · 09/01/2012 00:54

No worries AF :)

It's been a bloody awful weekend here. DH has been shouting violently for what feels like 48 hours straight through. It all started with pork chops, believe it or not. You cannot believe what a flashpoint meals can be. I cooked lunch on Saturday. DH likes pork. I don't and neither do the DSs. But I wanted to cook him something that I thought he would particularly like. The problem was that I cooked 2 chops per person. I thought this was okay.

DH went mental, and I do mean mental. He shouted and shouted and shouted. One phrase sticks in my mind. "You are over-feeding us and deliberately trying to undermine my efforts to lose weight." For the record he is probably around half a stone overweight and doesn't look tubby at all. Also this was the first I had heard that he was trying to lose weight. Then he threw the surplus chops (all four) in the bin.

It got worse from that point onwards. DS2 asked if he could sleepover with a friend last night. They sleepover very regularly together and they are always in one another's houses. So I said yes without thinking. Another massive argument. "You KNEW I didn't want DS2 sleeping over there tonight." No I didn't, how would I know, DH had never objected before. He was literally spitting and screaming with rage, the DCs were in bits, and frankly I was too.

I am not even going to tell you what today was like. Awful, truly awful. I went out for an hour today and I got 22 calls on my mobile from DH. I mean 22 calls! And every time I answered (I didn't answer all of them, probably around half, because my phone was on silent and I was shopping) he hung up! What's that all about? The day ended with DS1 begging me to get divorced.

Thank god for work and relative sanity. Thank you all for your support. It means so much right now.

We have been to Relate three times. Each time things got a little bit better, but then worse than before. Every time I see a relationship thread on here, people suggest counselling. I wonder whether counselling improves things, or just prolongs the agony.

I literally cannot stand any more of this. His anger is all-consuming

OP posts:

Jasper · 09/01/2012 01:08

Please, beyond, what are your reasons for not divorcing?

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