how did you tell your dh that youd had enough and it was over?

[cheesesarnie]

kind of thread from a thread rather than a thread about a thread!but how did you start that all important-im leaving/youre leaving conversation?

"I can't spend one more moment of my life listening to this s**t" - I'm not sure if I shouted it out loud or in my head but that was it. I was offski no matter what.

We were supposed to be going to counselling in a few months. I knew I wanted to end it, but wanted to do it slowly. We sat down to eat and I said that when we went for counselling, I thought one of the things we should do was explore splitting up as one of the options. We then decided we didn't need to do that and just agreed then and there to separate.

I wish I bloody knew, twice I have told him and twice he has inveigled his way back with promises he cant keep. a bit of myself dies everytime

Aw wilkos that's sad. Talk to us, I've extricated myself from alsorts and it can be done...

I can't believe I just wrote that actually. I try very hard to keep up a persona of we are so normal, argue about the usual stuff but love each other etc etc. I tell my school gate friends that yes we had such a good weekend/ holiday/ meal out when actually he started a horrifying row that has me in bits. at the school gate I see everyone else and KNOW I am different to them because my husband doesn't love me and I don't love him. I wish I could leave but I am a SAHM, and he has said if we split I will have to go and get a full time job and stick the dc in childcare and they will be so unhappy because they are not used to it and it will be all my fault because they won't have a dad either. He will make my life a living hell

It took me months and months, even though i had been telling him for a few years things were not good.

I told him nicely, i screamed it was over during a relate session, i told him many times in many ways, and he still ignored me, later telling me he thought i was just a bit down when i told him and i would get over it.

We eventually split when he convinced himself i was having an affair (i wasnt), and told me if i stopped contact with this person he would give me another chance. I took it as my chance to finally get him to realise it was over, and let him believe it.

He went but it took years before he stopped abusing me and harrassing me.

wilkos- what your husband says about the job and the childcare isn't true and is very controlling. There are also harrassment laws to stop him making your life a living hell. Look into it, do lots of research and make a plan.
I made no plan as I thought it was a bit deceitful to be planning to leave while pretending to be happy... with hindsight I'd say better deceitful than seriously skint with kids to look after. Make a plan.

wilkos, that was how my life was, getting out of my marriage is the best thing i have done for myself and my children, but it took a monumental amount of effort to make it happen and you have to be very strong when you feel at your weakest

good luck

I dont know how I would bring it up. Tbh we rarely speak these days. When not at work or plugged into the game station or XFactor,BGT or the Apprentice then this is all my H has to say to me:

I got any ironed shirts?
Whats for tea?
Have you got anything planned for tea?
The apprentice is on tonight
Remind to phone my mum
Fancy a coffee
Have you turned the heat on/off?
Lovemaking?

He touches me alot and makes effort to kiss me and to be fair I dont maje a great deal of convo back anymore.

Things have been so bad over Christmas I am half hoping he will start a conversation with me about the state of our relationship. He wont though. We need to make a big decision on our youngests schooling soon and every time I start it he says what he thinks which is to leave her where she is and plugs himself into the TV/PS before I can say "well but what about ......" I really cannot recall a proper conversation I had with him recently.

I need to grow a pair and say what I need to but just cant. No idea why I am so scared to do it but I just cant.

Sigh.

I told him I did not want to spend the next 5 mins with him let alone the rest of my life with him, sadly he still would not go despite me asking, begging, pleading etc.

In the end he went to ireland (where his family is from) to get some "space" and within 10 days he wanted to come back and I told him that I did not want to be with him anymore and not to come back etc.

To this day (2 yrs down the line - his family won't speak to me as they said I was underhand )

Why would you want to speak to his family 2 years down the line?

He was screaming in my face about taking the house and getting the kids and leaving me with nothing ( it was early in the morning ). I woke up enough to tell him that the lawyer had said that wont happen. He stopped short and said " Youve seen a lawyer?". I said yes,next thing I hear is him on the phone to his mum saying we were separating ( we had been married 11 years at that point)
It took 3 weeks to get him out the house. I found him an apartment and gave him stuff just to get him the fck out my house

BEST THING I EVER DID !!!!!

I went on an NLP practitioner course, one of the modules was run by a very respected Hypnotherapist. He was telling us the story of a patient he has been treating for depression, she had said "I turned and looked away and when I turned back 10 years had passed". It was a eureka moment for me. I got home from the weekend, accepting I had been sleepwalking thru life. That if I didn't do something, I'd sleepwalk the rest of my life. Told him I wanted him to leave.

lovelydogs - they shun the kids too as they blame me which really annoys me (they won't ring the house incase I answer the phone) as I think they should make an effort for their grand children/neice/nephew etc.

But I guess I cannot make them and its their loss really.

I told him so many times it simply became part of the routine. He wouldn't go, he would never have gone. The best thing he could have done was attack me because I was able to get the police to remove him. Even now he still says and tells everyone and his parents agree that I instigated an argument to MAKE him hit me, so I could get him out . That gives a small indication of what I was dealing with.

he had been out, to town with our then 11 year old DS. He came back so drunk he could hardly walk.

It was the very last straw.(loads of emotional and verbal abuse before)

I told him to 'get out, today and I don't care where you go' - he went to his parents.

good decision, should have done it years before

Saying "it's over" was the easy bit for me. The shit that came after was unbelievable - for a little while anyway, then it was all a zillion percent better and worth everything.

I don't love everything about my new life. I get quite greeneyed sometimes about him and her taking the kids out and being all family-like, but I put it over there out of my head and think about other stuff. None of my business.

I got any ironed shirts? - Depends whether you've ironed any I suppose.
Whats for tea? - For me or for you? If for you, suppose it depends on what you plan to cook.
Have you got anything planned for tea? - Yes I've planned my tea, thanks.
The apprentice is on tonight - How observant of you.
Remind to phone my mum - No.
Fancy a coffee - Yes/No as appropriate.
Have you turned the heat on/off? - As above.
Lovemaking? - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Arf!

wilkos and titsup-thats me!

At a couples' counseling session. I informed the counsellor ahead of time. Kept it v short and simple, and walked out. Then cut contact.

I'd had enough of him not bothering to come home after a night out and lying like a slug on the sofa all day texting his OW (who I found out about today)
I told him he was setting a terrible example and that he's upsetting me and DC's and that he was either an alcoholic or seeing someone.
Well I got something right :(
He left, I assumed he was at his parents but no, he's at his pal's house who just happens to live near his bit on the side.
What a lovely day I've had.

geet.thats awful!
how long ago did you split?

Laughing at your post Crunch

Wilkos - I can so relate to that situation where you just know you are different to other people. It does not matter where I am or what company I am in I just see lots of people seemingly happy in their relationships and going home to coversation and family days out etc. I know I am different and thats when it hurts. The rest of timw RL takes over and we are busy so we just plod on and on with our heads in the sand - same shit different day.

Cheesesarnie Thanks for starting this thread. Hoping it may inspire me into taking action.

Wouldnt wish my life/marriage on anyone but its kind of reassuring to see there are others in the same kind of limbo trying to work out what to do for the best and pluck up the courage to make the changes/steps needed.

We had an argument about the unfinished bathroom and I said "Nothing's changed, you don't want to be here do you?" Silence as a response. "Get out then, Get out today." I grabbed my children and drove to my friend's house. When we got back he'd gone.

I haven't really thought about that for the past year. Still makes me sad that he had no impetus at all to try and save our marriage.