how did you tell your dh that youd had enough and it was over?

[cheesesarnie]

kind of thread from a thread rather than a thread about a thread!but how did you start that all important-im leaving/youre leaving conversation?

Oh and if my ex or somebody IS using MN, can I just say ...

UP YOURS!

Goodnight Idontknow, sleep well xxx

Wisdom that is truly truly shocking regarding that summer's day!
Where was he while his kids lay in piss soaked beds in the stifling heat??

Lying on his lazy arse watching daytime tv. He tried to say he had been checking on them frequently throughout the day but they were fast asleep and "wouldnt" wake up. DD1 told me she had been told to keep quiet and stay downstairs so as not to wake them. Three story house so DC 2 and 3 on top floor, him on middle floor and DD1 on ground floor on her own. With full access to kitchen and unlocked front door.

My blood is boiling just remembering this, I will never sleep tonight!

Well fucking bloody hell! Words fail me!!

Jesus, I can only imagine the fury and disgust that must have coursed through you on returning home.

Honestly Pictish, I'm not a violent person and I am a bit ashamed to say that I could've got a golf club, and well, you know. Obviously I would never do that but that is how angry I was, hence why I left the house with DC. I thought my head was going to blow right off my neck!

He has done a multitude of utterly shite things, before and after that day, but that is just unforgivable. I've never really told anyone about it other than my mum and a really good friend (who is a SW of all things!)

Thing is, he accuses me of "tricking" him into moving to Scotland with the DC. It wasn't exactly like that but I can't be arsed arguing or defending myself on this point anymore cos at the end of the day, even if I had tricked him, who could blame me?

I can totally understand the golf club temptation.
What an absolute streak of shite he must be. That's fucking inhuman!

You poor thing having to deal with that. My face is flushed with anger just reading about it.

Ah - you too live in Scotland.
Are you a native - meaning are you back amongst family or friends now?

I am :) and its gooood to be home!

I had a wee peek at your profile, I live in Scotland, I'm 35 and have 3 children too!

What region are you? If you don't mind me asking.

I want to tell DP it's over, but I don't know how to. He's a decent man; doesn't cheat/gamble/drink/hit etc, but our relationship is brother/sister, not husband/wife.

We did separate 5 years ago. I was having sessions with a counsellor at the time and felt able to tell her how I felt. She gave me the strength to end it but he made it so bloody hard. After weeks of him promising to leave I had to threaten to call the police to get him out. He made me feel horrendously guilty for my decision. He emotionally blackmailed me into letting him have DS every day after school and then he would bring him back here because he had no money to feed him. It was impossible for me to make a new life while he was still in it, threatening to kill himself, slagging me off to my neighbours and even getting my family and friends on his side. I wish I hadn't taken him back; I can't remember why I did it.

So, although my flat is in my name and he has no legal right to be here if I don't want him to be I still feel trapped. I don't think he loves me anymore than I love him, he just likes an easy life. I wish I'd had the balls to have been firmer when we were separated. He's been given early retirement due to disability since we got back together so we are under one another's feet all day, bickering and resenting each other. We live a great big lie, holding hands when people are watching and pretending to love each other. There's no point in confiding to friends or my mum about how miserable I am because there is no real reason for it. Apparently all every woman wants is a man who doesn't cheat/gamble/drink/hit and I'm a selfish, stupid bitch for not wanting him.

I'm really sorry for all the posts above. All these men have been abusive bastards and I don't know what that's like. There's nothing (short of physical violence) that DP could do to me that would hurt me. I just don't care. I would be hugely relieved if he said he'd found someone else. I would wave him off cheerily. I feel like he's made me completely responsible for his happiness and I have to sacrifice my own for him.

I feel relieved to have wrote this post, but horrible guilty and disloyal as well.

Family circus, I know what you mean. In some ways, and I'll most likely get flamed for this, it would almost be easier if they did hit us.
That way we would have a 'legitimate' reason to go. Friends and family would be sympathetic and understanding and help.
Tell them you're leaving because he won't wash the pots, cook a meal, take the DCs to the park, etc, and it just sounds so feeble.

We'd had another rough day and I had suggested we talk it through. Then suddenly I said, "Actually, let's not. I've had enough. I really just want to you to move out." He said, "Oh okay." Didn't believe it. Then a week later I asked him why he was still there. And another week later. Then I suggested I go, leave him with kids, and he was off like a rocket.

I told him yesterday morning, after another incident. I dropped something - an accident - and he made snide comments about it. I know that when he drops something I go 'ooops' or 'oh dear'. But he doen't, he turns it into another reason to accuse me of something. And I questioned that (as I have done for the past 20 years) and once again he turned that question into 'see there you go, always digging, pushing it etc'. And it went on to 'and you do that with everyone' and 'you've got no friends' (er - lots actually!) and 'you've got no passion - you're flat' - did you see me at all on NYE having fun with real grownups.

And I end up as I sometimes do, huddled on the floor with my back to the wall, once again stunned, not by the hurt, but by his desire to hurt rather than heal.

So I'm arranging an appointment with a solicitor on Monday.

These incidents have happened in a similar form for years but what made this time different (to get back to the purpose of this thread), is that I have heard my cousin is going through a similar thing with a very long term partner. I think that by staying in this relationship I am setting a bad example to her and she has just had dcs and has all the shit to come if she continues with her, very similarly dysfunctional relationship. I do think that we set an example, not only to our children but to others. One reason I'm still here is that my sad situation is endlessly downplayed by my mother - 'at least he's out at work all day', 'oh well he's got a steady job', 'it takes two to have an argument', 'he's good with the kids', 'your father was like that and I just ignored it'.

Despite this we still sat together in the evening and watched telly and chatted, he then went over to help my Mum with the tree and I bet that now he thinks there are no problems any more.

wisdom - I'm in Midlothian - right on the edge of Edinburgh. We lived IN Edinburgh till three years ago, but moved for a quieter life and a house with a garden.

You?

horsetowater, I agree totally about setting a bad example. My oldest DC is already starting to question his father's actions and he's only 9.
Yes, your DH will probably think that all is now okay. Every time I bring up the subject of Divorce or separation in a calm, mature conversation, mine always replies with "Oh not that old chestnut again.....what's for dinner?"
A revolving door that just goes round and round and round with nobody actually getting off!

Some of these stories make me so sad and angry, and remind me why I am a Feminist

Pictish I'm in Ayrshire,

AF these posts remind me of why I've decided to stay single. Forever. I'm not taking any chances ever again.

If DH and I were to break up, I would never marry again

Me neither TheWisdomOfSolomum. When I was living with my abusive bastard ex I thought I was the only one going through it, I didn't think anyone would believe me or know how to help me but every day I read posts on MN that are so similar if not identical to what I experienced. That makes it hard for me to believe that there are good men out there who don't abuse their partners, it just seems to be the norm that once a man has a woman living with him he sees it as his right to dominate, abuse and control her. Some men simply don't deserve to live with women.

There are a lot of positive stories as well though, of decent men, who treat their partners the way they should be treated.

It's more a case of I would need to fix myself before I could handle a proper relationship. I've gone from being a doormat to the opposite end of the spectrum where its my way or the highway! I need to relearn the art of compromise and,tbh it is way down the list of priorities!

Oh yes, there are decent men out there

I wouldn't marry again, nor give up any independence for one though

I absolutely agree with you, AF.

I agree as well, when I say no relationship again, I meant marrying or living together. Dating and sex will be welcome.

that's what I meant too

I wouldn't go without IYSWIM