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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how did you tell your dh that youd had enough and it was over?

146 replies

cheesesarnie · 06/01/2012 22:59

kind of thread from a thread rather than a thread about a thread!but how did you start that all important-im leaving/youre leaving conversation?

OP posts:
Pinksmartiesfairy · 07/01/2012 23:39

In same boat as above, but renting house and 4 kIds. No family only his. Sooooo miserable. Same old crap every day. In bathroom typing as he wants tv. No other room to go to as kids in their beds and kitchen to cold. He is just a bully. But I am a SAHM. What to do . No money
. No home.

ashamednamechanger · 07/01/2012 23:45

Oh Pinks, I know, it's just so shit,shit,shit. Why can't they just do the decent thing and piss off with some unsuspecting gullible tart?

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 07/01/2012 23:52

I live for the days he works away and wish he was dead

ashamednamechanger · 07/01/2012 23:57

Mine goes out 2 evenings a week and it's great. Me and DCs just lounge around on the sofas watching whatever we want on tv. Even DS1 cheers when he realises it's dads night out....sad really that his child is happiest when he's not there.

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 07/01/2012 23:59

says it all ashamed I feel like packing the kids up and running

Sleepingonthebus · 08/01/2012 00:00

ExH had been cheating on me for about 14 of our 16 years together, 1½ of those with the same woman when I found out. I had PND, which I blame for me allowing what I'm about to type, to happen.

He convinced me that it had to end naturally, as opposed to suddenly, which meant spending a lot of time with her. They used to go to the cinema on a Wednesday.

On this particular Wednesday, she had the hump with him for some reason and didn't want to go. He offered me her ticket and that was the last straw. It wasn't the worst thing he'd done to me, but I'd been having PND counselling for over a year, and at that particular moment, I just felt strong enough to say enough is enough.

ashamednamechanger · 08/01/2012 00:09

OMG. that is jaw droppingly bad....he actally offered you her ticket????

PND is shite and you need as much support as you can get, not some arse who bogs off to the cinema with another woman.
What a nice man!

ashamednamechanger · 08/01/2012 00:13

I was going to say "why do we do it. Why do we let ourselves be treated like this?" The reason is because we have DCs and no money.
When my 1st husband started acting like a selfish twat, I just packed a bag, walked to the bus stop and went to the nearest motel....easy peasy, no DCs, no problem.
Try doing that with DCs. Not feasible.
That's the ONLY reason we put up with it.

Itsallgonetitsup · 08/01/2012 00:15

Bloody hell!! My jaw is on the floor. What a bellend!!

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 08/01/2012 00:16

gosh sleeping !!!

One of my plans is to wait till DC are 18 and then walk but another 11 years we only get 1 life. I have saved £2000 he knows nothing about so feel a bit more secure

wilkos · 08/01/2012 00:16

notalone you have given me so much hope. your life with your dh is what I am living through at the moment. its great to read you freed yourself, just need to do it now for myself!

I had my lightbulb moment a couple of months back after a terrible row - started by him when he found out I had booked a half hour appointment on a day he was supposed to be taking off. An appointment that he had said he would definitely be around for.

FWIW - I hardly do anything by myself or for myself except when I get my hair cut, his needs are paramount and mine are inconsequential. He says I am always welcome to go off and do stuff for myself, in reality he will always start a row about how selfish I am to leave him looking after the dc. his intention is to make me cry, thereby ruining what ever I have to look forward to. even my sisters wedding day was not spared Sad

he verbally abused me for 2 whole hours for having the tenacity to assume that he would be around when he said he would be (when obv. I should have known that he may change his plans at the last minute without telling me) he shouted over me, telling me I was selfish, vain, greedy and I took him for granted, while I cowered on the sofa. he went on and on, following me around the house ranting what a selfish bitch I had become (he NEVER ever stops when we argue, he has burst in on me asleep and switched the light on bright to wake me and carry on shouting. when I have locked myself in the bathroom he has unlocked the door and carried on with a tirade). I couldnt escape, was terrified of him and didnt want to leave the children with him alone. I was crying and snivelling with fear and emotional pain and said to him - "that is it you have finally broken me", and he just sneered and took the piss out of what a wreck I was.

that night I typed into my phone all his accusations so I would never forget what he had said and kid myself he had changed. the following morning I thought I am making a plan and I am going to get out of here. now i just need to do it Confused

sorry for hijacking... this is a very cathartic thread!

ashamednamechanger · 08/01/2012 00:17

BTW sleepingonthebus, was your DH an Orange customer by any chance.....2 for 1 at the cinema on Weds.....cheapskate too by the sounds of it.

Itsallgonetitsup · 08/01/2012 00:18

I can relate to what all of you are saying. I pray for H to be deployed. Thats shit isnt it - only ever admitted that to my best friends before now.

He will be later this year but I dont know if I can hang on that long but I too have no money or job and the house comes with his job so I am pretty screwed. I worry about the emotional effects on my children too (preteen and teens) if I leave.

So yep - here I still am.

Itsallgonetitsup · 08/01/2012 00:21

Wilkos - Sad Thats awful. I am trying to squirrel money away too.

Its very cathartic isnt it - venting on here stuff we would never say in RL.

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 08/01/2012 00:21

I worry about the effects of staying DS 7 says to me things like that is women's work and you are fat I have a BMI of 23

Sleepingonthebus · 08/01/2012 00:25

BTW sleepingonthebus, was your DH an Orange customer by any chance.....2 for 1 at the cinema on Weds.....cheapskate too by the sounds of it.

That has never occurred to me before Grin. Yes he's a cheapskate.

There was much more to it than that night, but I've never typed it on here. Maybe another time.

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 08/01/2012 00:27

Oh God, these tales are horrendous :(

I'm not going to post mine (as I think X or someone related to him is posting here recently ) but I got out and DC and me, well we've never been happier. X still causing problems but it just doesn't get to me now.

There are ways out, I hope things work out for you all ASAP.

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 08/01/2012 00:35

Oh Wisdom glad you got out how long did it take to get free

ashamednamechanger · 08/01/2012 00:36

It's a bit like that 1st Indiana Jones film, where Indy had to 'feel the faith' and step forward onto an invisible bridge.
We all have to feel strong enough to just take that 1st step. After that it will just be so much easier....just that 1st step.

Sleepingonthebus · 08/01/2012 00:45

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn

11 years is a long time

I wish you all the strength in the world to do something about it before then.

Thinking of you all.

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 08/01/2012 00:49

I know far to long will have to get legal advice and then go for it the worst that could happen which I couldn't live with is he gets custody. Things came to a head just before Christmas when he refused to miss a party to go to my parents a day early to visit my dying grandma can never forgive him for that

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 08/01/2012 00:55

It went from lying in bed fantasising about how life would be if I'd never met him, I should've left when he did this, I wish he'd just leave/disappear/die etc to thinking WTF am I doing? I need to get out of here, there were many contributing factors to my decision but action was held up by me being so tired, scared, lonely and apathetic (is that the right word?)

Breaking point came when one day I returned from work on a BOILING HOT summer day to find my 1yr old and 2yr old had been in bed ALL day. Bed and cot were piss soaked through, neither had had even a drink all day, rooms were in darkness and red hot - no windows open or anything. My 4 yr old was running around starving, she had watched tv all day in the playroom and eaten only sweets and chocolate.

I gave them all drinks, baths, and we went to McDonald's for dinner then walked to supermarket for ice lollies, stayed out as long as we could. If I hadn't left the house when I did God knows what I would've done to him, but it would've been bad. While we were out I phoned my mum and asked her if she could look for a rental house back in my home town. All in all it took about 2 months to leave, I had to arrange to move 250 miles, notice at work etc but I never left my children with him again, even for a minute. I even took the baby to the loo with me.

That was a bit long sorry!

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 08/01/2012 00:58

wisdom I am shocked poor little ones

idontknowwhattodonnnnnn · 08/01/2012 01:02

Thank you for listening must go to bed DH never gets up at the weekends

TheWisdomOfSolomum · 08/01/2012 01:05

I should also point out that I had enormous practical, emotional and financial support from family, friends and colleagues and my employer was extemely helpful and sympathetic - I had worked there a while and they'd seen the changes in me over the previous couple of years and knew he was behind it so wanted me to get away from him and were prepared to help me do it.

Without all that I would still have left but it would have been so much harder. For that reason I would help anyone who was in a similar situation in any way I could.