how did you tell your dh that youd had enough and it was over?

[cheesesarnie]

kind of thread from a thread rather than a thread about a thread!but how did you start that all important-im leaving/youre leaving conversation?

thats what we do.plod.11 years of plodding.

I finally took my blinkers off and saw what everyone else had seen. He had cheated several times, and didn't give a shit when OW taunted me with it. I convinced myself she was lying for quite a while.

I got out of his car and stood next to the passenger door. Told him he had found my limit. He cried, begged and pleaded for the first time despite several prior breakups where I had done all the pleading. I was completely unmoved, and never spoke to him again (no kids, thankfully)

Mine was on a Saturday afternoon with the kids watching Cartoon Network. He'd had a fling, I'd stuck at it for a few months after that but I'd known for ages it wasn't ever going to work. I think I knew before his fling. But I'd never stopped liking him or caring about him - it was an awful conversation, and we both cried and hugged a lot. It was a good fortnight after I'd decided - it took me that long to get the courage.

I can so relate to so many of the posts here.

My husband and I have been trying out different battles for size in a motion to spice up our lives I think!
We are 'half' seperated, live in different countries but see each other once a month as he refuses to give up a job he loves.
We have overcome (to a certain extent), physical abuse, controlling nature, (both by him) pnd and small children.... and now we apart - there's simply nothing to say to one another, but discuss who is right in any situation! But there are no winners.
I'm frightened for the future, the unknown territory, the being the 'divorcee' single parent. I don't know why as I've been living as a single mam for quite some time due to his job and our recent relocation.
I've told him that to seperate is best; we've gone through the

• Your a sahm - no money, you'd have to work and kids in care, and it all down to you.
• I don't want to split, I'm not running out on this marriage.
• Your ill you don't know what you want, you wont cope, you hardly cope now.
• and more...

I really don't know what's for the best, I have my folks telling me to fight for my marriage for the kids sake, but there really isn't anything to fight for. I've fallen out of love with him due to having so little respect for him after he has done so many things. We have nothing in common and when together its like elevator time where you just pass the time of day like ho hum!

A little lost. My family wont support my decision until I'm divorced! That'll take two years! :( So I'm not allowed a life of my own, not allowed to go out in male company as I'm a married woman. oh, I'm rambling.... so lost right now, dont' know which is up or down. What's right for one affects others and I feel all the responsibility is on my shoulders. So unhappy.

It was about a month after a disasterous 'save-our-marriage' long weekend away. I knew then it was over, but held off telling him because I had friends coming to visit for a few weeks.

Thought I was going to absolutely burst. We went to Paris with my friends (XH had a conference there), and at one point we were walking around and I was in tears because I knew this was the last time we'd be together as a couple.

I tried to wait, but friends suddenly asked if they could stay another week and I just couldn't do it anymore. When they were out sightseeing, I sat down with him and said I'd done a lot of thinking since the trip and I wanted to split up. He just seems a bit sad and agreed. It was supposed to be quite amicable, but money issues later on led to so much fighting, lawyers, etc that we didn't speak for a few years.

Happily we are friends now, but it was a very rough time.

cheesesarnie Wednesday....he waited til
Christmas and his birthday presents were opened and an emergency trip to A&E with DD was done with before going out on the drink. Returning from that was when I'd had enough.

how shitty geet!

Yep. Times like this you realise why wine was invented.
(she said trying to make light of an indeed shitty situation) :(

it was the day after he had woken my 10yo DD at 2am shouting at me for being a useless bitch, and a shit housewife and... some other stuff. She asked me the next morning why daddy was always so mean to me.

He came home from work, walked into the kitchen ( I hadnt walked to the door to greet him, so he was already on one) and I said we need to talk, I cant be married to you anymore. I meant it, properly.

Had to live with him in same house for 4 months. Was miserable, but am finally in my own house, although not seeing my children enough.

Its terribly hard.

trying are they living with him?

he has said we have 'joint custody' so he has them two nights in the week and every other weekend. Weekends being Friday to Monday. Which means some weeks I only see them one night in 9. I'm hoping things will get better when they start school, in a couple of weeks. And I'm hoping he has to travel with his job, a lot.

must be hard-sorry to hear that trying

Thanks cheese. It'll be better eventually.

trying why is your ex calling all the shots ?

he says this, he says that

wtf ?

and you "hope" it gets better ?

make it better yourself

i blardy heart you anyfucker.can you come and sort my life out for me?

cheese, I would if you let me

but you wouldn't, so there

AF - at the moment he is supporting me, paying my rent and bills. We just came back from another country last month so I have nothing here.

I'm trying to get all the benefits I'm due, get a job, get back to university in the autumn. But it all takes time, In the next couple of months he is remortgaging our joint property in his sole name and buying me out, so I will be financially independent. Until then I have to play nice so he doesn't throw his toys out of his pram and get difficult.

When I can afford to, I will start calling shots, trust me. Til then I really have to suck it up.

Just so you know AF, even though I havent posted, you have been a massive inspiration to me (as has mumsnet as a whole) to leave a really very abusive marriage after 13 years. I didn't even realise it was abusive til I started reading here.

I should say thank you. So thank you.

< cogitates >

trying you have had previous threads, haven't you ?

I can't remember them precisely, but I wish you well

you are all back in the UK now, yes ?

have you taken local advice from CAB, Womans Aid etc ?

no woman needs to be beholden to the good will of an abusive man in this country...there are organisations that will help you

what would happen if he suddenly decided he will get arsey ?

you are living on a knife edge and it isn't right

my relationship is just like itsallgonetitsup, DH and I rarely talk anymore and I dont have the courage to do anything about it despite x-mas being torture. Friday he came home from work, no hello's to me or DS he picked up his laptop and sat there for an hour organising his porn collection before swearing at me for there being no dinner (DS is a velcro baby and i'm knackered). It wasn't always like this but I dread him coming home/being here at weekends but I dont know how to go about changing things. I'm just hoping he finds someone else and buggers off...

anyfucker-if i ever did get off my arse and sort my life out youd be the first to know.
i wish i had your courage and belief that life would be ok!

My plan is that the next time he shouts and swears at me or the kids I'm going to tell him he has 24 hours to leave. I have an overnight bag packed complete with cab fare so me and DCs can go to my mums whilst he leaves and I imagine I'll return home to no furniture.

I dont want to take over this thread.

AF - we are all back in UK. We live about 20mins apart. When I was abroad I tried getting advice from the local Dom Violence unit, but they weren't v helpful as I didnt need refuge and was coming home, I couldnt get hold of Womens Aid as they are a UK number.

If all works as is planned, and I really think it will, my money will come through and I can do as I please. If he delays remortaging I will have to get a solicitor. If I get a solicitor I know he will be a total bastard about the children and I really dont want that to happen. They have been through enough. I really have to wait it out, for just another month or so. And then it will be over.

I'm doing my best.

dont worry trying!

I need to tell DH seing a solicitor on Monday dreading the controlling behaviour when I do tell him