Eeek...I'm 39 & pregnant by 30 yr old man I met a month ago : /

[moonowl]

I know, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have 2 older kids but have been single 10 years. I fancied him like mad & it was flattering & fun to let myself give into temptation. I convinced myself we had enough in common to make a go of it, but we don't really know each other. He's still keen & very much wants the baby, but I'm now realising I haven't really thought this through. He's had a difficult past, and though he's honest & listens to me & respects what I want, it's obvious he still has major problems in life which he's not really facing up to. He's got petty convictions, drinks & gambles and had a very poor education. However he also keeps an allotment, cooks, plays chess, does really difficult card tricks & is good at maths. It's like there are two sides to him, the rough, hard image he wants people to see (for protection?), and the sensitive, nervous, thoughtful & emotionally needy side. (He has said I make him feel calm & he wants me to help take him away from his old life.) I suppose I sympathise & feel sorry for him, as I went through a very hard time at his age, but I'm also feeling like this might be way too much for me to take on. I got myself into this & I did want another baby before it's too late, so I feel I owe him respect in some form. He also has 3 kids from two previous relationships, which he told me straight away (he always tells me everything I ask, even when he's worried it might make me hate him). This obviously complicates things too. We were still sleeping together til about a week ago, but I must have got pregnant around the first time. I've called a break while I get my head together, and now away from the excitement & warm fuzzy feelings it's really starting to dawn on me what I'm taking on. My ex & my kids know, as I don't believe in lying or hiding things & the kids are overjoyed about the baby. The ex is a little disgruntled but being ok. Should I stay away from him (saw him yesterday & he got really clingy & wanted me back), or try & make things work. He keeps saying he'll support me & give me money even if we're not together, but in reality I may well end up supporting him emotionally (I never give him money, we each pay for our own stuff which we both prefer) & running the risk of him constantly wanting to get back together. Thoughts?

This leaps out at me

'He has 3 kids from two previous relationships'.

And he is talking about wanting you to help him move away from his own life?

I think you need to separate the two things. Do you want this baby, and do you want a relationship with this man? And if you don't want the relationship are you prepared to raise the baby alone?

Actually on re-reading - you must have slept with him immediately? And you've told your kids, when - just after you took the test? Really?

take him away from his old life? are you Ryanair?

So this isn't a keep baby or not thread, it's a keep dad to be or not thread?

If you are keeping the baby why do you have to make some big decision about the relationship right now? Can you not take it slow - yes seems ironic given you are already duffed up! - get to know each other better as it's only been a month and see if over time you feel the pros outweigh his cons, if he genuinely is capable of moving on from his old life and if he will be a good influence on your other DCs.

And I tend to believe Exes are exes for a reason. Why does he need to wade in now and add further confusion? Is he scared you are moving on faster then he is?

Congratulations!!! Be happy and enjoy the precious little life you have created :) Is it early on or have you told everyone? I would personally want to keep it quiet and come to terms with it myself with partner if poss but as ex and kids seem to know I'm assuming its common knowledge? Sounds like partner wants to grow up, hopefully he can, make it clear he needs to start now. Slightly worrying to say you went through a rough patch ' at his age' you need to stop that he may be younger but he has to just be adult now, all the best let us know how it goes :) xx

Why did you sleep with a man you'd only just met without using any contraception, and why did you choose to announce this news to your dc and your ex at such an incredibly early stage?

The clue would seem to be in I did want another baby before it's too late and it seems you didn't care who the sperm donor was as long as you got what you wanted.

This is yet another tale of 'be careful what you wish for' and I can only hope there's no sting in it for the poor child you've so thoughtlessly conceived.

Everything you say is true Izzy, but not fantastically helpful given that its all already happened! I wouldnt tell the kids so quickly either after seeing a friend have to tell her 5 year old that the baby has miscarried, but that was the OPs decision and its done now.

OP, in all honesty, this man sounds like a car crash waiting to happen. Why is he no long with his exes? Does he have contact with his other DC? Does he pay child support?

I have to say that I would not keep the man. In fact, if I am being painfully honest, I dont think I would keep the baby either but thats me. He is putting all the responsibility of his problems onto you. He wants you to help him, to take him away from his old life. If he didnt want his old life then he would walk away from it, but he is putting the onus on you so if he fails he can blame you instead of himself.

He is needy and will get needier, he is asking alot and will ask more, he is hard work and will get harder, he is a drinker and a gambler and without specialist help, will continue to be both.

There are alot of red flags here and I wouldnt be staying in a relationship with him. And this is after ONE MONTH.

I'd be walking in the opposite direction, and at some considerably speed.

He has kids with 2 other women, what do you know about his access and responsibility to these children? Finding this out could help towards making a decision.

If you met him a month ago you must be what 6 weeks pregnant max? And you've decided you are keeping the baby so what is the issue?

You have another 8 months to figure out what part you want this man to take in your life and it doesn't have to be all or nothing does it?

does he work? What I mean by that does he he support his other children....look how he is to his other children and their mothers and you may have your answer.....the baby fine but it is the 'package' that comes with it...the dad!

What drug addiction does he have? I guess he is still having issues with drugs and gambling hence needing to be hard man to fight off the people who come after him for his debts...and let me tell you people come after whoever will pay. He needs to start afresh...my question is who is after him, which drug dealer this week! They use guns these days also...so children too at risk.

I think your choice of sperm donar has been a little in haste....has he Hep C or HIV if using needles? Have you tested for this and will it pass onto the unborn baby?

A person with these type of issues usually get desperate and lie and steal to feed their habit and well 'bleed' everyone dry.

sorry I know you don't want to hear this but can you escapemove now, tell him it's a false alarm etc get shot of him...but otherwise I wish your baby and you happiness and health

Oh well, hope he turns out to be a bit normal and nice and not a headcase cos he now has a say in how you conduct your life for the next couple of decades

Are you sure you want this baby?

And procreate flo

This is probably an inappropriate place for a but I'm doing on anyway.

Difficult card tricks. Oh my!

It would be a great start if people could not judge that having three kids with two women is a bad thing, to start with. It's an insult to those of us that are in a similar situation- and the OP is about to be, too.
OP it looks like you will have a lovely baby in 9 months and so congratulations.
As long as you are prepared and happy to be a single mum I'm sure that you and your DCs will have a great life together.

I have to say that I've been with men who hoped I would turn their lives around, and it was never the case. They really have to get to that place on their own, otherwise it is all smoke and mirrors.

You absolutely do not want an emotionally needy partner when you're having a baby. Is Mr "Take me away from all this" really likely to react well to your time, attention, energy and affection being focussed on a small human being who is even more needy than him? I suspect not. He'll be flouncing out telling you you're as bad as the mothers of his other children. Betcha.

Could you get him to teach you all the tricks, then you can kind of dismiss that aspect from the equation, as you'll know the tricks anyway and won't need him to be around to do them?

The maths is more difficult of course.

The ex is a little disgruntled but being ok.

alarm bells that this is even written by you...

any person needs to sort there own life out - you can't sort your b/f life out and take him away from an old one - he needs to do that if he wants to.

OP, things happen in life. We are all old enough to know better, but we still do things because they feel right at the time. CHILL!!!

You want a baby - you're having one.
WRT the Dad, you don't have to make any decisions do you? You can carry on seeing him, take it slow, see how things pan out. This guy could be a big mistake, or he could be the love of your life, you just don't know yet do you?

I'm sympathetic, as I love complex & contradictory, so I can understand why you find that attractive in him.

Enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby. Enjoy your new relationship for what it is.

xxxx

Op..my story similar... I am 33 weeks pregnant, this happened after only a couple of months into a casual relationship with a neighbour whilest using contraception. We talked about how neither of us wanted a serious relationship guess we were 2 lonely people with a mutual attraction & spent time together when my dd was at her dads. From the minute I knew I was pregnant 2 things were ubundently clear.... 1) I wanted the baby & 2) he would be furious at the prospect!! And he was & still is... I know in my heart that I would have never gotten over a termination especially having had it just to please him. People im sure have judged my decision but they have not lived my life nor do they have to in the future.

If you want this baby then have it but only if you know you can do it alone.. don't really think his support can be guaranteed. If he turns out to be a wonderful partner & dad then bonus. Good luck.

If you are 3 weeks pregnant ( tops) why on earth have you told your kids and your ex partner?

I got pregnant with my DD within a couple of months of meeting DH and it's worked out fine, we are married had another dc are are considering ttc again. It can work out ok but tbh I never would have slept with him in the first place if he had 2 families already and a was a criminal alcoholic gamblic addict. Even if he did have an allotment!