Thanks everyone : )
Happy to see such a balanced response, some positive some negative, but all pretty fair. Plus a few laughs which I needed!
One thing, he's not on drugs so doesn't use needles. Its 'just' alcohol & the occasional spliff. Also he's not in any debt as he does actually do quite well with the gambling (I absolutely don't approve of any of this & he knows that, but its a little harder to convince someone of this when they are doing ok cash-wise) He keeps his winnings put by for rainy days & does pay regularly towards his other kids, and sees them several times a week.
As for me telling my kids, they knew I was seeing him, they've met him & they are 11 & 15 so they understand about things like the possibility of a miscarriage. I have an open & honest relationship with them, obviously I don't tell them everything, but I don't believe in hiding important stuff from them.
Anyway, now I've given up drinking I've realised I don't like him so much when he drinks, cos that's when the bravado comes out & it gets on my nerves. I don't and would never feel at any risk from him, I know lots of his friends & acquaintances & I know there's never been the remotest rumour that he's ever treated a woman badly or hit her. He obviously does have self control, but usually ends up getting into bother either intervening or protecting friends (quite often women) who get themselves in trouble. I think he likes to think it earns him some kind of respect as a 'protector', or maybe that's just an excuse.
Its funny, there's that classic perception that some women fall pregnant deliberately to trap a man. In this case I think its the opposite. I think he desperately wanted it to last forever with the other two, & thought giving them babies would seal the deal. But it didn't work out: one got pregnant by someone else & left, the other left him because her parents didn't approve, going off with them after her dad beat up my bloke & threw him down the stairs. (Her family are slightly scary). I think he just really wants to be loved & thinks having a kid with someone will make them love him.
Trouble is, he's getting more & more clingy & I can't see him to talk to without him being all over me & trying to get me into bed. I now understand the sentiment that desperate is not attractive. I did & still do fancy him but if I give in it will be like opening the floodgates & he will want me there all the time. I have a life & kids, I can't really do that teenage thing of staying in bed shagging all day, fun as that might be!
I know I can make boundaries & stick to them, but I'm not sure he can. I think this is reflected in his constant seeking of some kind of buzz & his nervous manner, he finds it really hard to just calm down & relax.
I wish I could give him some sense of security (which he refuses even to admit he needs) without having to become his saviour & possibly do an 'Eliza Dolittle' in him as well, so he has more chance of fitting in with my 'posher' friends. (They're not that posh, but he is very working class & dare I say it, chavvy. Not that I have a problem with that, I can just foresee potential problems & crossed wires).
Yeah, the answer is probably to take it slow, keep boundaries & make sure he doesn't get any more hurt. I really hope he learns from this & finds the love of his life to form a healthy relationship with, I'm just not certain it can be me.
I've got a few more weeks to decide about the baby, but its on my mind that I got heavily pressured into an abortion when I was 20 & always regretted it. I kind of think whatever problems arise we can find a way round them, but an abortion is so final, and I know that kind of regret is really hard to live with.