Eeek...I'm 39 & pregnant by 30 yr old man I met a month ago : /

[moonowl]

I know, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have 2 older kids but have been single 10 years. I fancied him like mad & it was flattering & fun to let myself give into temptation. I convinced myself we had enough in common to make a go of it, but we don't really know each other. He's still keen & very much wants the baby, but I'm now realising I haven't really thought this through. He's had a difficult past, and though he's honest & listens to me & respects what I want, it's obvious he still has major problems in life which he's not really facing up to. He's got petty convictions, drinks & gambles and had a very poor education. However he also keeps an allotment, cooks, plays chess, does really difficult card tricks & is good at maths. It's like there are two sides to him, the rough, hard image he wants people to see (for protection?), and the sensitive, nervous, thoughtful & emotionally needy side. (He has said I make him feel calm & he wants me to help take him away from his old life.) I suppose I sympathise & feel sorry for him, as I went through a very hard time at his age, but I'm also feeling like this might be way too much for me to take on. I got myself into this & I did want another baby before it's too late, so I feel I owe him respect in some form. He also has 3 kids from two previous relationships, which he told me straight away (he always tells me everything I ask, even when he's worried it might make me hate him). This obviously complicates things too. We were still sleeping together til about a week ago, but I must have got pregnant around the first time. I've called a break while I get my head together, and now away from the excitement & warm fuzzy feelings it's really starting to dawn on me what I'm taking on. My ex & my kids know, as I don't believe in lying or hiding things & the kids are overjoyed about the baby. The ex is a little disgruntled but being ok. Should I stay away from him (saw him yesterday & he got really clingy & wanted me back), or try & make things work. He keeps saying he'll support me & give me money even if we're not together, but in reality I may well end up supporting him emotionally (I never give him money, we each pay for our own stuff which we both prefer) & running the risk of him constantly wanting to get back together. Thoughts?

Hang on, are you 19 or 39? At what age do people normally stop (or start) being impressed by "really difficult card tricks"?

That was a serious question.

But if you are impressed by card tricks, and get off with a person with criminal convictions and 3 kids from past relationships, then maybe you should consider whether you really want to continue this pregnancy, due to generally quite poor judgement?

Look op abortion is not advisable for you in this case. But equally you need to look at the whole nature v nurture thing and realise that the child may have the same character traits as this man, assuming the traits he has are not wholly a product of his upbringing. That ok with you?

You sound laid back.. I think you'll cope.

OP, you seem to be a person who has managed to find their own way in the world to your own pattern and plan. Well done. I think that your reasons for your pregnancy do not go down well on this forum because so many posters here do not inhabit the same world as you.
I feel that you are undergoing a lot of stick, but also feel that it's bound to happen if you post here.

I can't believe that every other critical poster here has spent a considerable amount of time weighing the pros and cons of their partner before sleeping with them. We all know that life isn't like that.

There is a lot of snobbishness on here about people like the man you are involved with. It takes all kinds and my DS's dad was also on the wrong side of the law once - it doesn't make me an idiot or mean that DS is a 'poor child' to be born in the first place.

I'm sorry that you seem to be the butt of some posters' humour here but I guess you know yourself; if you can't take it you can log out.

Trulyscrumptious - I may not have weighed up the pros and cons of every man I've slept with, but I have always always used contraception and I have never got pregnant by someone I've only known a few days.

Have I missed the bit where OP explained whether this man is employed or not?

Or does he survive on his gambling winnings?

headfairy Good for you, go to the top of the class.
For myself, I have got pregnant by a man when I'd not know him for very long.
I have not always used contraception.
So shoot me.

I'm just telling the OP I empathise with her.
It takes all kinds.

He sounds better than most of the men I've come across in my life. Luckily I've learned my lesson and now just avoid all of them.

However, that doesn't help you. Hmmmmm, what would I do? Give him the benefit of the doubt maybe? See if you can live together for a trial period, maybe until the baby is born - obviously only if he gives up his vices first. Maybe this sounds ridiculous to others, but the whole situation is anyway. It's a long shot, but it might work.

It's cool, a lot of what people are saying is true & I deserve it, I kind of agree with a lot of it. Also I find the pee-taking quite funny & apt : )

You have helped me make my mind up about what to do. I know I will be ok for the most part. The sad thing is I'm not so sure this bloke will be. All I can do is be honest with him, supportive in a friendly way but with boundaries & hope he manages to learn something & make some positive progress in his life.

I may have been acting like I'm 19 in some ways (which I don't do most of the time), but I am far wiser & more confident now than I was at that age, at least as far as knowing what I can/can't or should/shouldn't put with from others. (Cue more pee-taking!)

One thing, I never lied to him, I never gave him any reason to think I was looking for a serious long-term relationship, in fact I continue to make it clear I'm not, giving all the reasons. He's been very honest with me and neither of us are cheating (although he's reluctant to tell his exes, but that's his business & he's working up to it apparently, maybe a sign he's realised he might be repeating a bad pattern?)

We're on hold indefinitely now & I'm sticking to that. There's plenty of time to sort things out slowly without making a big drama, hopefully more sustainably.

I think it would have been more honest to use the sperm bank.

TS, it does take all kinds, and of course accidents happen. I don't condemn anyone for that, but I do have a slight at someone who does it on purpose.

I'm not sure if I've missed it, but what's the age difference?

Did you read the thread title notmostpeople

Don't they have vegetable shops near you?

I can understand why having an allotment is nice for general health and exercise, particularly for large families or retired people, but really, to get excited about free vegetables and a couple of card tricks? You are really easily pleased!

He does realise that he can lose at gambling, doesn't he?

So that will be 4 children by 3 different mothers and he's only just 30?
Mmm... I think there seems to be a pattern developing here and, for a gambling man who's allegedly 'good at maths', he's not exactly shit hot at working out the odds of unprotected sex resulting in a pg, is he?

Sadly, reading your post has given me an attack of compassion fatigue. Can you please help restore my supply of the milk of human kindness by confirming that your ex, the petty criminal allotment holder, and your lifestyle aren't funded by the State and that you are self-sufficient in other ways than veg?

Waits to see if op answers dizzywhizzys question!

There is no way that bloke's not on the dole.

Christ on a bike.
There. I said it.

If OP'll have a child by a bloke because he can do natty card tricks, inagine what she'd do for a guy who could make balloon animals!

Moonowl, Good luck with it all. FWIW, congratulations on your pregnancy, but I'd keep him at arm's length.

OP you have been asked several times how you support yourself currently, and how you would handle the added responsibility (practical and financial) in order to support this new child - should the pregnancy continue. Please can you answer?

OP says: '' You have helped me make my mind up about what to do. I know I will be ok for the most part. The sad thing is I'm not so sure this bloke will be. ''

With all due respect, it seems important (and obvious) to ask: will the child be ok? You and 'your' bloke seems to have given that little thought.

Think of it this way: what do you imagine it will be like for this child to have this father (you probably only have to look at his other children to imagine). And if he isn't in your life, or the life of your child (should you continue with the pregnancy), how will you explain any of this to the child?

TBH, my compassion is for the unborn child - not either of the parents.

I do also feel the OP's getting a bit of a hard time. However having had 2 unplanned pregnancies myself (one in a similarly early stage of a relationship) I am probably in more of a position to empathise than most. I'm also the same age as OP, my children are similar ages, I can also relate to that wanting a 3rd child but never expecting it will happen.

I've always been financially independant so never had to worry about relying on the fathers of my DC to support me. I've given birth twice on my own, frankly I can't imagine what it would be like to go through pregnancy with a supportive partner...anyway back to the OP: from my experience, I would say the biggest mistake I made was trying to have a relationship with DC2s dad (who was very very keen on me/our 'family', formed a quick emotional attachment and predictably turned out to be an abuser).

I would say if you feel you can financially and emotionally cope with 3 DC then of course keep the baby, but keep the father - for the foreseeable - at arms length, however charming he is. I do think also you probably need to be prepared for a future still as a LP, because I don't think this guy will ever be a reliable partner (and quite possibly not a reliable parent either).

Hi dizzywhizzy & Earlybird : )

You don't read the Daily Mail by any chance do you?

I think the only relevant thing here is that I won't need to rely on support from the father, but if he wants to he can put a regular amount away for her. This means I can still feel as independant of him as I need to, no chance of him feeling he can 'buy' affection or attention. I'm sure he will do this as he is pretty generous to his other children and continuously reminds me he wants to contribute & support the baby.

For those who say I haven't considered the childs welfare, try actually reading the thread properly if you can spare the time. I can assure you, as I have said before, it is my number one priority. Also, of the few people who know: my children, their father & his flatmate, the babys dad, and my best friend (who is also a bloke & who I would trust with any secret and also with my life), all of them genuinely want to support me & the baby.

I am very pleased & proud of the way my children have turned out so far, & people do genuinely compliment me on them often, and I brought them up in far more difficult circumstances (due to many factors) than I am facing now.

Interesting that you voulunteer the information that you don't feel in danger with him, even though he leaps into fights. He sounds very immature and not what you need. Good idea to take a break.
You are not responsible if he is hurt, or clingy. You are now responsible for this pregnancy.

I will go all psychological on this and suggest that you heard the ticking of the biological clock and fancied another baby before time was called, and he happened to be around at the time.

If so, enjoy the baby, but as others say, perhaps distance yourself from him.

This is just starting to sound like a state funded three men and a baby plot. Uk style.