Eeek...I'm 39 & pregnant by 30 yr old man I met a month ago : /

[moonowl]

I know, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have 2 older kids but have been single 10 years. I fancied him like mad & it was flattering & fun to let myself give into temptation. I convinced myself we had enough in common to make a go of it, but we don't really know each other. He's still keen & very much wants the baby, but I'm now realising I haven't really thought this through. He's had a difficult past, and though he's honest & listens to me & respects what I want, it's obvious he still has major problems in life which he's not really facing up to. He's got petty convictions, drinks & gambles and had a very poor education. However he also keeps an allotment, cooks, plays chess, does really difficult card tricks & is good at maths. It's like there are two sides to him, the rough, hard image he wants people to see (for protection?), and the sensitive, nervous, thoughtful & emotionally needy side. (He has said I make him feel calm & he wants me to help take him away from his old life.) I suppose I sympathise & feel sorry for him, as I went through a very hard time at his age, but I'm also feeling like this might be way too much for me to take on. I got myself into this & I did want another baby before it's too late, so I feel I owe him respect in some form. He also has 3 kids from two previous relationships, which he told me straight away (he always tells me everything I ask, even when he's worried it might make me hate him). This obviously complicates things too. We were still sleeping together til about a week ago, but I must have got pregnant around the first time. I've called a break while I get my head together, and now away from the excitement & warm fuzzy feelings it's really starting to dawn on me what I'm taking on. My ex & my kids know, as I don't believe in lying or hiding things & the kids are overjoyed about the baby. The ex is a little disgruntled but being ok. Should I stay away from him (saw him yesterday & he got really clingy & wanted me back), or try & make things work. He keeps saying he'll support me & give me money even if we're not together, but in reality I may well end up supporting him emotionally (I never give him money, we each pay for our own stuff which we both prefer) & running the risk of him constantly wanting to get back together. Thoughts?

Blimey I am shocked at how judgemental some people can be.... Im sure there is not 1 person out there who has never made a mistake, missjudged a person or situation or done something they regret. A one night stand?, dated someone others might deem unsuitable?? Has everyone saved their virginity until their wedding night & will stay married to that person til death do you part?? Yes, in hindsight the Op's lack of thought of contraception could be seen as reckless but should she have to abort a much wanted baby would that put right any mistake she is judged to have made??? NO!! I am not against abortion by any means but it is not something to ever be taken lightly & wether this baby is financially supported by the Op or the taxpayer if it is loved & well looked after then that is all that matters.

I am not ashamed to put my hands up to my mistakes it is what has formed me into who I am today, hopefully a kind, caring & wise person.

I think that one of your children is disabled makes your actions worse. Not you into some mother Theresa type.

Why burden them with this so early?

I cared for a severly disabled child from her birth to her death 23 months later & that does'nt & should'nt automatically make you a "mother Theresa type" in actual fact the opposite for myself because at times the desire for escapism into a different life is extremely powerful. Luckily I never acted upon it except the odd drunken night out with the girls & asking none of them to mention my dd in the hope I could be the old carefree me who did'nt have this sadness cloud hanging over my life. I have been in some very dark places as too have my friends with special needs children, they are the only people who understand what that life is like & as a collective don't take kindly to being judged by anyone.
My pregnancy too is unplanned & although I was using contraception after what I went through during my dds life & to lose her I defy anyone to tell me I should have aborted this baby just because I am going to be a single parent or because my situation is not ideal & if anyone wants to judge me quite frankly they can kiss my a@se!! My baby is not going to replace my late dd or take away any lonelyness I have being single but it is going to bring me some much needed happiness & my family too.
Op... Congratulations & good luck, wishing you a healthy pregnancy & baby!

I didn't ask for your life story. Thanks anyway. I was giving my opinion to op.

How do you know I don't know what it is like? You don't.

Oh I've made plenty of mistakes but I have never deliberately got myself pregnant by a man who I have little intention of including in his child's life. Despite the fact that the man in question sounds a bit of a twat I actually feel very sorry for him, I'm not sure anyone deserves to be used as a sperm donor before the mother freezes him out of her life.

Incidentally, an I appreciate this will fall on deaf ears but I have absolutely no problem with benefits providing a safety net and assisting those that need help but I can't help but be troubled by a woman who would prefer to rely in state benefits than take money off the father because she wants to avoid his involvement

becauseiperfect and sarabell I agree!

I'm not sure that the OP deliberately set out to get pregnant, I think in an earlier post she said she thought it was unlikely. I don't know whether the pregnancy arose because of a failure of, or lack of contraception, but if the latter, there was nothing to stop him (to use the words of Jeremy Kyle!) putting something on the end of it...

hatesponge I think the OP was deliberately ambiguous on the point and refused to clarify when asked directly earlier in the thread.

TBH I can't really bring myself to get overly worked up about it I just tend towards it all being a bit of a sad sorry mess rather than an illustration of some sort of wonderfully bohemian alternative lifestyle. Even if he can do difficult card tricks

Yeah I think I'm going to stop lurking and move on, it's been a lively debate, good luck op hope it all turns out ok for you in the future

becauseimperfect... No, I don't but just a well educated guess! but anyone who has had some really awful life experiences the kind you would'nt wish on your worst enemy would not be so judgemental.

Well then you wouldn't be that well educated then would you. You can have experienced all that.

Then still see op has been stupidly selfish and irresponsible. Not least to her own kids but the father.

Crikey

Anniegetyourgun I didn't mean that everyone on MN has those politics, and nor does everyone on this thread, but there have been some really odious opinions aired here.
I guess that is why there was a thread a while back asking for any left wing leaners to get together and make themselves known.

Wow, Moonowl. I've been thinking about this thread for a couple of days, distressed about some of the nasty viewpoints that have come out of the woodwork, and hoping you were all right. I built up a great defence of your position in my head (obviously, I got so worked up because it's not completely dissimilar from my position a couple of years ago, so to a certain extent I took the flak that you attracted personally ).

Then I read your last post- what a coherent response. It totally summed up- and put far far better- what I was intending to say. It was much, much more intelligent and articulate than anything any of the people attempting to look down on you and pigeonhole you could come up with.

I have no doubt that, if you decide to have this baby, you will cope splendidly. It does sound that the father is a bit of a tool, but it looks like you've already made the decision to proceed with caution as far as he's concerned.

Good luck!