Eeek...I'm 39 & pregnant by 30 yr old man I met a month ago : /

[moonowl]

I know, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have 2 older kids but have been single 10 years. I fancied him like mad & it was flattering & fun to let myself give into temptation. I convinced myself we had enough in common to make a go of it, but we don't really know each other. He's still keen & very much wants the baby, but I'm now realising I haven't really thought this through. He's had a difficult past, and though he's honest & listens to me & respects what I want, it's obvious he still has major problems in life which he's not really facing up to. He's got petty convictions, drinks & gambles and had a very poor education. However he also keeps an allotment, cooks, plays chess, does really difficult card tricks & is good at maths. It's like there are two sides to him, the rough, hard image he wants people to see (for protection?), and the sensitive, nervous, thoughtful & emotionally needy side. (He has said I make him feel calm & he wants me to help take him away from his old life.) I suppose I sympathise & feel sorry for him, as I went through a very hard time at his age, but I'm also feeling like this might be way too much for me to take on. I got myself into this & I did want another baby before it's too late, so I feel I owe him respect in some form. He also has 3 kids from two previous relationships, which he told me straight away (he always tells me everything I ask, even when he's worried it might make me hate him). This obviously complicates things too. We were still sleeping together til about a week ago, but I must have got pregnant around the first time. I've called a break while I get my head together, and now away from the excitement & warm fuzzy feelings it's really starting to dawn on me what I'm taking on. My ex & my kids know, as I don't believe in lying or hiding things & the kids are overjoyed about the baby. The ex is a little disgruntled but being ok. Should I stay away from him (saw him yesterday & he got really clingy & wanted me back), or try & make things work. He keeps saying he'll support me & give me money even if we're not together, but in reality I may well end up supporting him emotionally (I never give him money, we each pay for our own stuff which we both prefer) & running the risk of him constantly wanting to get back together. Thoughts?

op most of us are very pleased and proud of the way our kids have turned out as well, but the question was are you expecting the tax payer to fund this child or will you support he/she yourself?

LOL at the thought of the tax payer 'funding' children . I think you'll find that amortised over the 60,000,000 population of the UK that actually the population as whole finances everything that goes on in the UK in a complex web of interconnected systems. Taxation is but a small part of the bigger picture.

susie why do need to know?

why do you need to know, even

The op asked us on our thoughts on her getting pregnant by this man and part of my opinion (which the op asked for) on that would depend on if I could support this child as a single mother of two children already, and IMO it would be irresponsible of someone to 'accidentally' fall pregnant with an unreliable man they hardly knew when They have no real financial means to support the new baby! Call me old fashioned but whether I can afford to support my kids is a big factor in how many I would have!

Just wanted to say that all that really matters is whether or not you want the baby. As you mentioned considering a sperm donor in the past, I'm presuming you do want it. This baby is already on his/her way, despite what were always being told about difficulties in conceiving after 35! If you're prepared to go it alone - if necessary - and know you will be ok (you sound pretty sorted to me) then I think you should go for it. If you're sure the father isn't a potential psycho then I think the worst that can happen is that he either disappears or you get no financial support. That can happen in ANY relationship, including married couples! Your baby will have a loving home, and the best role model - you. I think you sound lovely! This child is the blessing you never thought you would have, embrace it! I had my youngest when I was 41 - best thing that happened to me. Good luck to you x

I assume that all the posters who have questioned the "funding" of this baby send their children to private schools and only use private healthcare? Also, that they refuse to accept their child benefit and/ or donate it straight to charity?

stubborn why on earth would you assume that

Because surely if you would worry about the taxpayer funding the OP's maternity leave and early-years childcare, it would kill you to think of all the money said taxpayer is shelling out for your children's state education, child benefit and healthcare?

Susie

Don't be so tediously quasi-libertarian. The taxpayer even funded indirectly the very computer network you are using in order to post on MN. It's not a simplistic input-output situation. It never is.

Well of course it is more simplistic than a simple input-output equation but does anyone seriously have no issue with someone who doesn't work and is claiming full benefits ( I will make that leap in the absence of any other info from the OP) having a third baby that she will not be asking the father to support?

Because I cannot be the only one.

I don't give a stuff as long as she's getting her kids to school on time with food in their bellies and not beating them up at home.

Takes all sorts to make a world.

Mmm I am not going to get drawn into a petty argument, and turn this thread into something nasty which is what going to happen IMO! I stand by my posts that whether could support another child financially is a big factor in whether I would of gotten pregnant, the fact that the op hasn't come back and answered the question that several posters have asked HAS answered the question hasn't it! I wish the op all the best, and think she's already made up her mind on what's she wants anyway tbh.

complicated obviously.

What the hell happened to support? Politeness? Basic manners?

By all means people should give their honest opinions, but think on this - some of you have been outright rude. Would you be happy with one of your own children behaving in the way that you are behaving right now? Would you say that to someone's face? Would you be happy even being associated with someone who would?

This thread is bloody appalling.

I agree colditz. Am stunned TBH. What happened to "let those without sin".
Give your opinion by all means, but some of the comments are downright bloody nasty!

Tbh colditz I'm not sure the OP is asking for either advice or support.

She appears to know exactly what she wants to do and has thought out her options and of course why wouldn't she: this is her planned and desired outcome. She is simply having a last minute wobble as to the potential for her unstable bloke to cause a fuss about her plans for their baby.

Thankyou to those of you who have made reasonable balanced comments, really appreciated x

For those shrill voices that have put 2 & 2 together and made 5 (cos lets face it, that's what you wanted to think, so you'd have an excuse to splutter with righteous indignation), I am not going into detail as I don't see why I should, but if you imagine all of us are living off the state you are wrong.

I have a disabled child and home educate (so I'm afraid I'll fail on the getting my kids to school on time!), so yes I do get some help. I also save the tax payer around 10 grand per year by not using state schools and fund their education myself which for GCSEs alone runs into thousands. My children's dad works full time.

I happen to be glad we live in a relatively civilised society where most people (though not all) who need it get support to avoid destitution & ensure basic needs. At some point in our lives, we all need that safety net, one example being parents who find themselves alone after relationship breakdown. Does anyone seroiously want to see a return to Victorian style conditions where a woman raising children needed a man, no matter how badly he treated her, or face homelessness, starvation/the workhouse etc? Is that what female emancipation should look like?

Bad luck & difficult life events can happen to anyone at any time. There are a lot of broken & disadvantaged people with complex issues who struggle to function in society. I for one try to look a bit deeper into this than simply judging at one glance.

One last thing. The level of benefit falsely claimed in this country is about 1.2 bn compared with 16bn of legitimate entitlement which goes unclaimed. This also compares with 38.7bn spent on 'defence' and an estimated 25bn of tax avoidance amongst top companies & the very wealthy. Can we stop the Pavlovian 'benefit scrounger' bashing now please?

I do think you've had an unfairly hard time, as I said above. For some reason on here it often seems much more acceptable to be in receipt of/dependant on benefits if you're married or in a long term relationship than if you're a single parent, which makes little sense to me tbh.

I also do wonder whether if in your OP you'd said both you and the baby's father worked FT/financially independant/own homes etc whether so many eyebrows would still have been raised irrespective of the brevity of your relationship or the other issues mentioned? I suspect not, which is quite sad.

I agree with you hatesponge
This thread had really opened my eyes to the underlying politics on MN and it's not a pretty sight. It's like being in a playground with the middle class bullies sneering at the girl who chooses to be a bit different from them, doesn't dress as fashionably, etc.
I've been spending too much time on here anyway and this thread may well have given me the spur to log off indefinitely.

Are none of you MNers divorced? Would all of your life decisions stand up to the kind of scrutiny and judgement you now exercise over the OP?
Or is it that the OP's lifestyle choices just make you feel insecure?

moonowl you are part of the RL I inhabit. Well done for being yourself, life is tough in many respects (and you have probably made it tougher for yourself by posting here. You sound like you are an amazing mum.

Excuse me... "the underlying politics on MN"... once again everyone's being lumped together into one collective when in fact several different points of view were expressed in this thread alone. Indeed, trulyscrumptious, your own contribution is as much part of the "MN politics" as anyone else's, and I don't think you were a lone voice from that side. Any convinced right-winger would be just as disgusted with all the woolly liberals as you are with the benefit bashers.