Eeek...I'm 39 & pregnant by 30 yr old man I met a month ago : /

[moonowl]

I know, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I have 2 older kids but have been single 10 years. I fancied him like mad & it was flattering & fun to let myself give into temptation. I convinced myself we had enough in common to make a go of it, but we don't really know each other. He's still keen & very much wants the baby, but I'm now realising I haven't really thought this through. He's had a difficult past, and though he's honest & listens to me & respects what I want, it's obvious he still has major problems in life which he's not really facing up to. He's got petty convictions, drinks & gambles and had a very poor education. However he also keeps an allotment, cooks, plays chess, does really difficult card tricks & is good at maths. It's like there are two sides to him, the rough, hard image he wants people to see (for protection?), and the sensitive, nervous, thoughtful & emotionally needy side. (He has said I make him feel calm & he wants me to help take him away from his old life.) I suppose I sympathise & feel sorry for him, as I went through a very hard time at his age, but I'm also feeling like this might be way too much for me to take on. I got myself into this & I did want another baby before it's too late, so I feel I owe him respect in some form. He also has 3 kids from two previous relationships, which he told me straight away (he always tells me everything I ask, even when he's worried it might make me hate him). This obviously complicates things too. We were still sleeping together til about a week ago, but I must have got pregnant around the first time. I've called a break while I get my head together, and now away from the excitement & warm fuzzy feelings it's really starting to dawn on me what I'm taking on. My ex & my kids know, as I don't believe in lying or hiding things & the kids are overjoyed about the baby. The ex is a little disgruntled but being ok. Should I stay away from him (saw him yesterday & he got really clingy & wanted me back), or try & make things work. He keeps saying he'll support me & give me money even if we're not together, but in reality I may well end up supporting him emotionally (I never give him money, we each pay for our own stuff which we both prefer) & running the risk of him constantly wanting to get back together. Thoughts?

Don't forget the 5 a day from his allotment, dogs

Every gambler I've known has been a whiz at numbers but hopeless at algebra.

pretty selfish and irresponsible behavour. Please be as honest with him as you claim to be wth the rest of your family.

BTW there is honesty and then there is attention seeking and offloading. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would need to tell your other chidlren about a pregnancy that you are considering terminating. Why not hold out until you have made your final decision. 11 and 15 are still children. What kind of example are you setting to them?

I know I'm being a judgey arse but they are children, they need protecting, not have the weight of the world put on their shoulders.

I don't often comment on these threads because I feel I can't possibly know what someone is like from a few posts on an anonymous forum. However, I would run a mile from this man, and despite normally feeling termination is really a last last last resort, I would be very very wary about even having a baby with this man. You will be connected to him through your child for ever and to be honest your description of him terrifies me.

I totally get the ticking clock thing... I'm 41 myself, with 2 dcs and agonised about a third, but that really is no excuse to tie yourself to this man. You only have his word that the scraps he's got in to have been because he was defending a woman. It sounds like he has a temper on him, thinks with his fists and is the worst kind of person to be a father.

Run as fast as you can, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy don't put his name on the birth certificate, cut all ties and don't let him know where you live/what your phone number is.

if you think you are going to regret it then don't have an abortion, clearly.

I can't believe you told an 11 year old and a 15 year old that you'd had unprotected sex with someone you had only just met. Or that you were now a few weeks pregnant by him. Why did they need to be told all this at such an early stage? Are you proud of what you've done?

Your 15 year old will be facing GCSEs soon and needs your support. I also think what you have done is selfish and irresponsible.

There is a big difference between being open and honest with your dc and burden g them with emotional baggage way beyond their ability to cope.

There was no need to tell them. You are confusing honesty with emotional incontinence.

By the way, I have been a single parent since my youngest was 1 (and might as well have been before that for all the support I was getting) so none of that worries me. I have a wonderful circle of friends I really trust (both male & female), my older kids dad (who has grown up & learned a lot since we split up) is absolutely there for us. My kids will be fantastic with it, as they are with our friends babies & toddlers. The baby won't lack positive people in its life. I've got my head screwed on about what kids need & that is number one priority.

Having been single for 10 years, I basically assumed I'd never conceive again as my periods are extremely light. I vaguely considered donor sperm but it seemed too impersonal & I didn't want to get eaten up with disappointment if it didn't work. So I basically left it & accepted my lot.

This has come totally out of the blue, in no way did I go looking for it, I was not out on the pull at all. I was involved in a community activity & just ended up chatting to him the same as I chat to everyone, he stayed til the end, he did come on to me but I said no which he accepted without question (also we didn't know each others ages til later). There was only a few people left, then a friend of a friend turned up unexpected with his guitar & some lovley homemade plum vodka, played an impromtu set of beautiful songs & at the end me & my bloke just looked at each other & kissed. It was so spontaneous & lovely. Mad & silly too no doubt, but I don't regret it, whatever happens. I just need to make sure I do whatever I can to avoid anyone getting too hurt, which I'm trying to do.

Well of course my kids know where babies come from, it's part of their biology education! They are home educated so my son already has 4 GCSEs & is taking 3 more this year. They are fine, we have a diverse circle if friends & all different types of families (step children, young mums, gay couples etc.) They accept difference & are not prejudiced. They are more mature & independent than a lot of adults & they know themselves & are proud of who they are. As I am of them, and I get compliments on how I have raised them all the time : )

How many weeks gestation at the moment? Seems uber early to be telling folk, imo.

There, have my judgement too

Having a termination is pretty final (by definition); but then going through with a pregnancy is hardly leaving one's options open. Not that I'm telling you to have an abortion, not even slightly.

I have to say I didn't think you'd become pregnant to trap him; far from it. I suspect you got pregnant because you want a baby. I understand that very, very much. Yesterday I was considering (idly, whilst driving) the possibility of having my Mirena removed without telling DP. Which is nuts, and I wouldn't do it. But I thought about it.

He's going to be hard work though this man. He reminded me even before your last post of a chap I had a dalliance with years ago; he proposed to me within a couple of weeks (I was vulnerable and accepted), then he dumped me some months later because I got the hump over something and he accused me of being a bunny boiler (how I hate that expression). Within a few years of that he'd repeated the same pattern with at least two other women

Ummm, I'm not helping, am I? Sorry

Actually other peoples experiences do really help & there's been some very astute things said which I'm definately taking on board.

Thanks again everybody, even the negative ones hugs

I second BluddyMofo's comment!

"The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour'.

RUN.

Enjoy your baby though! Good at maths is genetic!

Ah fuck it, what Abitwobbly said

'Then a friend of a friend turned up unexpected with his guitar & some lovely homemade plum vodka, played an impromptu set of beautiful songs & at the end me & my bloke just looked at each other & kissed. It was so spontaneous & lovely. '

You need to sell the film rights, OP. It could end with a lovely shot of you, him and the baby on the allotment together.

I know this may come across as judgey but lets look at the facts. He is just 30 years old and yet this is going to be his fourth kid with third different mother. He's not exactly a stable prospect, is he?

I wouldnt throw my lot in with this man if I were you. Go ahead and have the baby by all means if you van practically and financially cope, but I wouldnt depend on him long term because it sounds like there is a strong possibility he will let you down.

I don't have a problem with you op... apart from a dodgy taste in men I'm sure you're a great parent and wonderful person. But I worry about this man having another child. He sounds like an ex of mine who used to behave as though every moment was a movie script. He made huge romantic gestures, led me blindfolded up to the top of Primrose Hill at sunset one summers night to propose, even had champagne and fireworks ready but could not cope one little bit with the mundane side of life. He got thorougly bored of me when we started living together and we had to deal with the usual crap of life. And we didn't even have kids then. I can't imagine how he'd deal with 3am vomit and 2 hours sleep a night.

If you want this baby go ahead, I'm sure it'll be wonderful, but if it were me I'd want to keep this one just to myself. I don't think this man sounds a good person to have around your family at all.

you mean you PLANNED the pregnancy? WTF is wrong with you?

Hmmmm.

Lots of ticks here - not sure why the op is posting.

re: my last post. Please be aware that I am in the throes of a now-or-never baby craving and DP won't budge love babies and have also polished off half a bottle of cornershop Chardonnay.

Well let's put all the 'relationship' stuff to bed shall we? (Boom,Boom!)
This is NOT a relationship. This is an extended one night stand with a clingy thug (great combination ).

By all means keep the baby but keep your distance from the dad until you've both got to know each other a LOT better.

I am the same age as the OP- and am a little bemused how one convinces oneself that one has enough in common with a bloke 'to make a go of it' after a MONTH????????

Cast your mind back to when you were 17 or thereabouts, Mards. I think the OP is regressing.