Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

[kittyfishersknickers]

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

did you not get anything from the session then kitty? were you able to at least talk yourself into feeling something about it?

see how the next session goes. I have found from personal experience that counselling isnt a one size fits all thing.

No, I sort of did - I just can't remember it now. I do remember feeling this sort of weird burning pain just above my stomach. Was very strange.

She didn't really ask any questions about what actually happened, but maybe they're not supposed to.

We talked a bit about control and why I sometimes felt like I had no control, and about how maybe the way he behaved with me disempowered me. (spell check has just informed me that 'disempowered' is not a word but you know what I mean). And she said something about how him saying 'I would be so upset if I thought I'd hurt you' stopped me telling him properly that he had.

i am having counselling atm, and i was also really surprised at the lack of questions as i felt it would help me talk and open up.

i do know that they generally stay unbiased and help you to draw your own conclusions.

stick with it for a bit and see how it feels, i know i am changing my counsellor as i dont get on with him, the dick really upset me on my last session...are you going again?

Yes, I will go again. She's nice, but I just feel very distant from her. She does look at me with this very sad and serious expression on her face which makes me feel a bit self-conscious as well (but what other expression can she reasonably adopt?). It was actually better talking about other things, rather than the actual 'event'. We talked about childhood and things which was interesting. But as far as I can remember she made absolutely no comment about what he did

i guess thats for you to perhaps to work out then - but i think i would still if i were you, possibly just phone these guys or at least read this page

read that page and it tells you a bit more what to expect....

That's a great link Vicar.

It's early days in your counselling Kitty. It sounds to me like a good start, and this part sounds like it good really get to some helpful stuff for you "We talked a bit about control and why I sometimes felt like I had no control, and about how maybe the way he behaved with me disempowered me. (spell check has just informed me that 'disempowered' is not a word but you know what I mean). And she said something about how him saying 'I would be so upset if I thought I'd hurt you' stopped me telling him properly that he had".

I would expect she would want to get to know you better and develop more trust before going into details about what happened as she needs to know that you can be OK between sessions. You may not even need to go into those details to get a better understanding. It would be normal for her not to show strong reactions, she is trying to remain in a way that allows you to lead the conversation where you need to go - sounds like you did really well. Counselling is also a lot about what is going on in the room between you and the counsellor and how that reflects on what is happening elsewhere in your relationships. So you coming away with feelings that you wanted more reaction from her and expected to be led more clearly by her is food for thought about what is going on for you in other relationships in your life..

I'm pretty familiar now with how therapists work after several years of seeing one, and I think Kitty that she has hit on a few very important point for you in this one session.
It's not about what anyone else feels, it's about your feelings. You have the right to experience your own feelings however it seems to me as though you do not allow yourself to do this that often?
Many of us here can identify with this, so don't feel alone.
One problem with stifling emotions is that they sort of 'leak' out anyway, leaving you confused about how you feel. That's why you have felt the need to come back to this several months after the event. You need to process this in order to move on (and to know what direction you want to move in as well).
I thought this post of yours was interesting too
I think most of the time our sex drives are fairly equally matched, or at least when he wants it I don't not want it. I think I do perhaps feel that I should do it if he wants to, without consciously forming that thought.
To me this post indicates that you seem to hand over your feelings to others, to let your dh, in this instance, decide for you, how you feel. What do you think?

I think I just wanted some kind of reaction, because I work things out through a process of reaction (I see how I react to others' reactions). So if she'd said (and I know she can't) 'Oh my God that's awful' or 'what's the big deal?' then I would have gauged how I felt by my immediate reaction to that response. Is that weird or normal? I don't think it's that too weird. It would be pretty impossible to have a conversation with someone (in any other context) if they simply gave no reaction to anything you said. I feel like I need something to agree/disagree with, it helps me form my thoughts better.

I do think that sometimes I like to hand over control of my feelings to others (only one or two people though) because I have to be so 100% responsible and independent in the rest of my life. A bit like how it's always judges and CEOs who want dominatrixes to do BDSM things to them (supposedly).

Thanks for the link, vicar I will definitely have a think about phoning them

I understand what you mean about needing a reaction from someone else in order to gauge your own reaction. I think it's normal but I'm not sure it's healthy as it is somehow too measured and considered if you see what I mean? How you feel about something comes from your gut, it's not something rational. It sounds to me like you might be in the habit of doubting your gut feelings and that you need someone else to validate them or challenge them before you'll even start to process them yourself. If that's true then I think counselling might be very very helpful for you. It might feel weird at first to talk to someone who doesn't help to guide your emotions but over time it might help you to take ownership of your feelings and feel more secure in your gut reactions. FWIW I don't think you should ever let anyone take control of your feelings. Your feelings are entirely unique to you and allowing someone to control them is giving another person far too much power over you IMO.

Just checking in on the thread, seeing how you are OP. I think Eurostar makes excellent points about counselling, hopefully you will be supported by the coming sessions.

Thanks. I'm now at the point where I don't have any feelings at all about it. I am perfectly happy to be with him and have sex with him, and don't feel doubting or nervous at all. It feels like it didn't really happen.

I think I do trust my gut feelings, but have a habit of feeling quite intensely about something (something bad that happened, or a new idea or project, or liking something/someone) and then going off it very quickly. This has led to me abandoning a number of projects (even quite big things, like one degree) because I've lost interest, or at least lost the intensity of feeling for it. I feel like that's what has happened here - there is only so long I can feel a strong feeling before it has to fade.

I feel like I won't have anything to talk about in the next session.

Hi, sorry you have been going through this :(

When I was 15 and being a bad ass teenager, went into town with friends and got horribly drunk. We got seperated. I got a taxi home to the friends I was staying at and was raped by the taxi driver.

I told friends in the following week, eventually parents in the next few months, got tested, councelling, bla bla bla...

I NEVER talked properly about how it made me feel because it didnt. I always maintained "it happened, I can't change it, no point in dwelling on it."

Only now 11 years later, when my xdp went off sex when i was pg and used live webcam sites did I feel it. When I told him it bothered me and he continued, it hurt. I told it it made me feel like just a womb and mammary glands and before that that he viewed me as somewhere warm and wet.

As rediculous and over dramatic as it sounds it felt like being used for the previous two years and being raped.

What I'm trying to say, is that you shouldn't underestimate the power of the mind to suppress feeling emotions, to avoid the hurt. And you can't control when those feelings will resurface in the future and you will feel it. I hope you will be ok xx

Thanks... I did wonder about repression, etc. - I'm not really sure how it works.

We did also talk about not feeling that I should conform to any kind of 'norm' and that there are lots of different ways to be. The subtext I got from that was that if I wasn't upset (or at least not distraught) that was OK.

I suppose I will change my mind about it a fair few times

"After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on. "

So he stopped and then you told him to carry on...

Yeah. But I didn't say he could do it in the first place

Kitty, I don't want to interfere but please don't feel you need to explain things again to new posters. It's all already been discussed and Eli can read the thread if he/she is that interested.

Hi Kitty, don't worry about not having anything to say in your next session. Just say that, then see what your counsellor says or what comes up. They're your sessions and if you haven't anything to say then don't worry about it.

Hope it goes ok.

Just in case anyone is still interested - had discussion with him prompted by him questioning why 200 quid was gone out of joint account. Upshot was - I am not allowed to mention it. It upsets him.

Poor him.

Why are you still with him? He's stealing your money and you're not allowed to mention it? WTF?

No - sorry. The money was for the counselling. He was wondering where it had gone.

I see, sorry I misread.

The question stands though. Not sure why you're with him, he doesn't seem to have any respect for you and is acting like a child.