Think I have decided to forgive him for this, wondered if others would do the same

[kittyfishersknickers]

This happened a few months ago but is something I'm still thinking about. We were sleeping in the same bed but I had made it clear that I didn't want to have sex and he was fine with this. I was wearing pyjamas (well, leggings and top) to reinforce this fact. When we turned the light out I settled on my side facing away from him and after a few minutes he scootched across the bed and starting nuzzling me. I warned him not to as it would be bound to turn him on and he would want it to lead to things but he carried on. He tried to take my leggings off but I told him this was annoying and to stop, same when he put his hand up my top. Even though I kept telling him not to, he held onto me quite firmly and started having sex with me. After a few minutes he could tell I was not really into it and stopped, but then lay there fidgeting and obviously not about to go to sleep as he was so frustrated, so I said he could carry on.

For a while he refused to admit that he had done anything wrong, saying that I hadn't used a special safe word we have used before, and that because I had let him at the end it validated the whole thing. I did see his point, although still wasn't that happy. But we talked about it again recently and now he admits that he was too pressuring and went too far. There was nothing violent about any of it and he is now very sorry he did it, and I think now actually realises what his actions could be called. At the end of the discussion he seemed pretty upset by this and so I told him it was OK.

Do you think it's possible to do something like that but really not intend it and to never do it again?

Nobody has ever "looked after" me, after the age of 18

I look after my children, that is how it should be

Everyone needs looking after though. I look after him too. What I mean is that he's very interested in me, and attentive and kind, which I suppose I'm not really used to. He doesn't look after me in a physical way. I can sort out my own life, I make my own money, I drive, I can change a wheel etc.

Being interested in you, being kind and attentive are all very normal basic things you should expect from a good relationship. Although I'm not sure how you could describe someone who would hold you firmly and have sex with you even when you said no as "kind." Sorry if that comes across a bit harsh but I hope you can see what I mean.

Hi Kitty. I feel like I need to add some more after taking the back seat on this topic. I have generally taken the stance that marriage is for better for worse, and I don't agree in jumping out of a marriage at the first sign of trouble - I'd probably get flamed again because not many Mners share my views.

Only you and your DH are in the relationship, and people on here will give you opinions based on what you tell them. I personally try to read between the lines, and sometimes get it wrong.

I don't want to downplay a potential rape situation or be seen to be flippant about it, but again only you know what your situation really is - people on here compare your explanation to their life experiences, and give you advice based on that....you need to question why you feel so uneasy about the situation with your DH. If you didn't want sex, and he held you down and penetrated you, and you feel so bad about it months after, then I think you both need counselling......It could be a deal breaker for some, but if it's not for you, that's also ok.....I just think you need to ensure he understands that even if he takes care of you, he is not in control of you! Rape is a very strong word, which I hesitate to use, but I suspect that you let him control you, and you need to be careful.....I don't suggest walking out, or leaving him, but I think you need to deal with the control issue before it gets out of hand....(if it hasn't already).....

Some of us like sexual games, hence my initial comments, but the more I read your posts, I get the feeling that you may have a domineering man on your hands.

Do you mind if I ask....how old are you both?

Thank you bark, that is a thoughtful post.
I know it's impossible for me to explain everything on here, not least because I could possibly be identified in real life if I put all the details on here (probably paranoid re this - doubt anyone would notice)
This is useful for finding out the sorts of questions I should be asking and what most people's boundaries/expectations are
Age gap is just over 20yrs

If you've been with him for 5 years Kitty, why aren't you more involved with his family, friends, kids? Why's he distant from them?

Could you talk to your family about this at all?

I am the last person to ever say "leave him", kitty, but there are massive red flags all over the place here. I do think that age gap relationships can work, I had a relationship with 16 years difference, but I also think you need to be very careful that the older partner doesn't control the younger. It's easy to fall into that pattern when one person is more experienced and probably earns more etc.

If you want to stay with this guy, you need firmer boundaries and you need to stick to them. In terms of sex, he has to learn that when you say no you mean it. I suppose in some couples, if you're into BDSM, sometimes the boundaries get a little blurred. I think, though, you need to have a very trusting relationship in order to participate in that kind of stuff: without that trust, it just doesn't work.

You have done nothing wrong here, don't forget that. He is the one with the problem, not you.

This was rape. There is no way I would forgive a rape.

I agree with yellow - if the relationship does continue then your partner needs to commit to very firm boundaries. You should be able to sleep in whatever you like, or nothing at all if you want, kiss and cuddle him as much as you like, and still not be pressured into sex. You shouldn't need to "manage" his desire by cutting him off and covering yourself up.

Do you think it would work better if I talked it over with the counsellor before discussing it with him? I think most of the time our sex drives are fairly equally matched, or at least when he wants it I don't not want it. I think I do perhaps feel that I should do it if he wants to, without consciously forming that thought.

Yes, definitely talk it over with the counsellor before you talk to your partner about it. It'll help you to get your thoughts straight and prepare you to meet any arguments your partner might have.

i would talk it through with the counsellor first yes. form your own thought and opinions and then impart them to him,

counselling should help you come to your own conclusions without judgement.

i think if you discuss things first with your partner he may well influence your thoughts, and i think you need a bit of "safe" space to work things through in your own mind first.

if you stay together, i think you should have counselling alone first and then and only then, when you have some idea of your own limits and boundaries without him influencing you, he should join you.

im not judging you at all, and i am not of the leave the bastard school of thought either - but i think you should be a person in your own right, with individual rights to say what is right for you and what isnt. For me, personally, i would be questioning everything to do with the whole relationship if my DH had sex with me without my consent. I doubt very much i could stay with a man who did that, but at the very least you need to do some serious soul searching, let your counsellor guide you though to your own conclusions.

i should say he should join you if and only if* you want that.

what vicar said

pretty much as usual

Thanks. I'm slightly dreading explaining the mechanics of what happened, face to face with someone I don't know. Session is tomorrow btw

good luck with it...let us know how it goes

Good luck with the session x

Yes, good luck kitty - be thinking of you x

Thanks - do feel weirdly guilty about going though. Have had to pretend I am meeting people after work... Even feel a bit bad about posting on here

AF

kitty - dont feel bad. This is absolutely the right thing to do. If you feel ok about it let us know how you go. good luck but im sure you will be fine.

Had to post here - name change because recently got outed.

This all feels so familiar!!

I would say listen to your gut, you are feeling uncomfortable for a reason. And that it's true that everyone weighs up different pros and cons in a relationship but normally it's something like the fact that your OH has smelly feet or a fondness for some boring hobby but very caring etc.

It does feel to me that your boundaries of What is acceptable have been skewed. I suspect it may take some time for you to fully admit this to yourself and also realise that tou can leave a relationship because you feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of someone's personality and indeed for far less crimes than you mention.

Really good to see a counsellor and think through your relationship dynamic and whether he is really good enough for you!!!

Don't put it all to one side And have children with him like I did... Only now disentangling myself.

Btw if you're not up for sex as much as he is in this kind of scenario, i would bet good money that a few years down the line the next classic step is an affair aka the getting it elaewhere. Not saying necessarily that this is the case and perhaps over thinking it but I do not like this pressurising and entitled attitude to sex that he is displaying.

Good luck with it all!

Don't feel bad - this wasn't your fault. Hopefully talking it through will help you to process this, deal with it and then help you decide how you want to move on.
Good luck.

Sexual abuse like this rareley occurs on its own , it nearly always occurs with some other type of abuse , its often covert and you dont realise its happening until it gets to a certain stage . Its possible to be highly emotionally abusive without screaming and shouting , its enough to have someone start doubting themselves or pretending not to hear them . Blaming you for not using a safe word and encouraging him is manipulative and abusive and puts the responsibility onto you .

I notice youve mentioned differing sex drives . Please , please , do not allow this to become about sex drives . Ive had a similar experience and the counseller supported him . Your partner did not want sex with you that night , he wanted to control you .

Somewhere down the line he has decided he has special rights over you because you are his partner . He doesnt , and you should expect the same decency and respect everyone else gets . Had he done this to anyone else he would have been arrested . You have every right to be safe in your bed , you should not have to wear clothing to prevent him groping you and you should not ever have to repeatedly say No . Only one type of man wants sex with someone who isnt willing .

Counselling was quite interesting, but she didn't seem to really react to what I said. Is that how they're trained? Feeling a bit shy, I described it in quite a non-specific way, but then had to repeat myself describing it differently to make sure she actually understood what I was saying. I kind of got confused about what I was saying and kept talking in these incredibly long ungrammatical sentences, which was unsatisfying. Felt a bit blocked and unnerved, and not much else really.

Hmmm. I wouldn't expect her to have a reaction as such but she should respond to what you say. Did she ask you questions?