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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 17:48

I am in a funny headspace at the moment, after finding out that a close friend has been abusing his stepdaughter. All the same signs as your situation. (Not the past life one, but dividing the relationship between mother and daughter etc.)

The cons of losing DH if this isn't grooming are nowhere near as dangerous as the cons of it being the case. In which case, time to cut your losses and ensure the safety of your children.

yellowraincoat · 28/12/2011 17:52

This is so weird...I just don't get it at all. The whole dynamic is just so messed up and whatever is going on needs to be sorted.

Although for me, the whole "I met them in a previous life" would be a major dealbreaker for me.

xanthum · 28/12/2011 17:58

Mademoiselle, it seems to me that you are not really listening to what the posters on here are saying to you. I would urge you to read back the posts and consider the very real possibility that your dh is an abuser and is grooming your daughter. Please, you must listen to this and take steps to get you and your dcs out of this disturbing household. Do you understand truly what posters are saying to you?

Take it from me (and others) that there is no circumstance under which it is normal for a bio father or step-father to "lay with" an 11 year old girl until she goes to sleep. THIS IS NOT NORMAL IN ANY WAY. Please listen. Don't let this happen to your daughter because it will screw her life up completely. It's not too late to deal with it and it is in your power to do so.

KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 18:04

Please listen OP. I wish my mother had taken control of my stepfather and actually listened to us.

NotnOtter · 28/12/2011 18:07

Me too op. This all sounds familiar and the outcome for me was not good

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 18:13

I am quite certain that one of my cousins was being abused by her SF, looking back on things. I have no idea where she is now, and no way of finding her as there is no-one left on her side of the family. I feel guilt to this day, even though she was the same age as me and I never suspected at the time.

Please listen OP.

Leverette · 28/12/2011 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SirSugar · 28/12/2011 18:23

Nabokov

OP, sounds very unhealthy to me.

Tomblibooooh · 28/12/2011 18:55

As a couple of posters have mentioned, the way you have described him reminds me of the character Humbert Humbert in Nabakov's Lolita.

You say you are from different countries - is it a cultural thing in his/your country to lie in bed with children even at such a late stage? I am trying to understand why he could believe that this is acceptable. Ok, an older child sometimes coming into mum and dad's bed for a snuggle and a chat, but this isn't that, is it?

This must be incredibly difficult for you, OP, but you say you have been abused yourself, and you are admitting that his behaviour is odd, so please protect your children. Past life thing aside, this is NOT normal behaviour from him.

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2011 19:12

For Gods sake OP wake up and smell the coffee!! This is totally abnormal behaviour, your husband is 100% out of order.

Pull your finger out and start some positive action now before your daughter learns any more unhealthy lessons.

Forget the car, you sound like a passenger in your own life. Have you any authority in your own life at all or do you just lie down and watch the world going past you?

If this carries on and your daughter gets more damaged the blame won't only be with your husband it will be with you as well.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 19:17

there are two daughters suffering here... not just one :(

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2011 19:28

I agree Squeaky

Bunnyjo · 28/12/2011 19:47

I agree Squeaky and after my first post, I did wonder whether the attention showered on DD1 was to mask the fact that DD2 was the real 'object' of his attentions... The whole situation is completely wrong - so, so wrong Sad

God, this thread has chilled me to the core. I keep hoping OP will update and say she has thrown him out of the house, but I know that it won't be as simple as that and that her husband will have likely turned the tables on her making her doubt everything, including her gut instinct. Please OP, even if you do nothing else tonight, phone NSPCC for advice and guidance.

ledkr · 28/12/2011 19:55

I have the same family set up as you op.DD1 is mine and is 9,dh has known her since she was 5.DD2 is our child and is 10months.DD1 adores her and is inclined to be bossy and dominating with her especially with dh who she likes to try and be little eg. "you dont put a nappy on like that" etc.
As good parents tho we recognised this as a control thing and stopped it quickly.Dh in no way treats her specially and certainly doesn't out her before me.
The fact that he has said strange things about them being connected in a past life smacks of grooming and i work in cp.
You are going to have to address this immediately or leave.
Have you spoken to any professionals?

ClaraSage · 28/12/2011 20:00

This is a very,worrying situation. I hope a Social Care/Health professional reads it and PMs you. Please act now.

secretsanta233 · 28/12/2011 20:07

OP I think you should speak to a professional about this, a psychiatrist or child line. Just some way of finding out what he may have done, if anything. This will provide you with tools to help your dd(s) if anything has happened. This may also provide an avenue in which your dd(s) feel safe enough to talk to someone, someone outside the family.

Adults that groom children are clever and invest a lot of time in creating the opportunity to abuse. They may truly think that what they desire is not disgusting but true love.

Either way I would seek help as a matter of urgency.

HollyTwat · 28/12/2011 20:24

Op if you need to speak to someone ledkr is a very good place to start.
I have confided in her and found her to be very understanding and helpful

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 20:28

There's not many threads that I've read on here that have actively affected me, but this is one of them. I wish the OP would come back and let us know.

secretsanta233 · 28/12/2011 20:34

I do wonder what sort of self obsession and void a person has to even want past life regression??? What difference it even makes to someone with a good heart and motives.

The car thing and bed thing could just be ways of creating more and more time to groom your dd, you need to act now.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 20:38

OP, I do think that you should forget about trying to 'fix' the relationship with this man and concentrate on getting rid of him. His behaviour is way too creepy and peculiar for either you or the DC ever to be able to feel really safe with him in the house.

lisad123 · 28/12/2011 20:45

omg, this thread is very worrying!
He sounds like a self centred nutter!
Im sorry but if this was your friend he was doing this too, you would clearly consider they were having an affair! I think he has a very unhealthy reltionship with your dd, and he needs to go! now!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 28/12/2011 20:54

"or will that make me look like I am jealous of him paying attention to DD?"

to who? him? yeah he'll probably turn it around to your "issues". From what you've said he is unlikely to quietly sit down and say "yes, yes I think you have a point". Don't let that put you off
your DD? it is right that she sees you stepping in and saying "this is not normal"

it doesn't matter, your children matter

corygal · 28/12/2011 21:03

The New Age weirdness and the DD weirdness are separate issues, as I'm sure OP knows, but other posters may not. But everyone would agree the DD weirdness is the most serious problem here, so discussing that is surely the priority.

OP must be petrified when she's asked for help and then been bombarded by paedo-gangers and Mumsnet's hi-kickin'-out Leavethebastard chorusline. But, for once OP, everyone is telling you this is a bit more than just a particular way of parenting. Yep, everyone.

Your best-case scenario is you've lost your adult status and any form of normal respect from your family. That's not good and that's serious. Your worst-case option is that DH is either paedo-ing one of the DDs, or about to.

Your burden is added to by the fact that you are the only one who is going to deal with this - in itself a bad sign. That's a huge burden for anyone to carry, too big to carry alone. esp when you've been undermined.

Get help - talk to the NSPCC and see what they say. Move bedrooms for the New Year, getting the whole family to help. Talk to trusted friends (not family). Establish a safe place to go to with the kids in case of emergency, which will make you feel better. Then, and only then, make a time alone with DH to set rules as The Rocks listed above. Explain that the rules will stick and they are non-negotiable. Do not threaten to leave unless you mean it (which at this stage you prob won't.)

Telling someone to be firm is way too easy - being firm is very hard, and you have every sympathy of mine. But it's the only option here, so you need to make it easy on yourself as humanly possible, which means making plans and getting help. Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2011 21:04

The other thing that bothered me is that the OP says she doesn't go in the car with them if she can help it. So are the husband and daughter going on alot of car journeys together?

Where are they goin, do they stop off anywhere on the way to where they're going? How long are they away? Is he giving her lifts to mates houses or are they going off just the two of them? This is a grooming situation if ever I saw one.

I'm actually getting quite concerned about this girl.

Girls that age often test the boundaries but he's the adult, he should be acting responsibly and guiding her, not colluding with her and detaching her from her mother. If he had her best interests at heart there's no way he'd be acting like this, no way at all.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 21:08

I've been thinking about this thread all night. Hope you are ok OP.