Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

I know and in that case I must admit I have a problem. Because I was abused as a kid I tend to watch all males around DD like a hawk. I dont mean to be suspicious of every male but I must confess I do keep an eye on all of then DH or not. Even my father gets it.

OP I would just like to add that I think you are being incredibly brave in your willingness to face up to this and make some changes. Please do keep posting if you find these replies helpful and supportive. Small changes to your living arrangements might make the world of difference. Also, there are parenting courses you and dh could go to which would reinforce how to resolve issues between yourselves regarding how you raise your dcs.

I will let you know how I get on tonight.

I think this is past a parenting course stage.

Good luck Mademoiselle

Thanks!

100% agree with solidgoldbrass. You are their mum and you must protect them here. I wouldn't faff around with new rules here, it sounds way too far gone for that.

Wishing you luck and strength.

I am sending you luck to make the right decisions to protect your DCs and the strenght to follow through.x

Please come back and let us know what happened/what his response was. gd luck x

Very chilling posts on here from OP.

He is grooming your DD.

She is responding to his behaviour and getting the message that she is more important, a better younger version of you, prettier, gets the attention etc. This isn't her fault - it is the messages she is receiving from him. She is also learning from him (and from your passive behaviour) that she is more important than YOU, that she is her step dad's No1 priority (above his wife and bio dd), and that you are weak.
She is on her way to a very inappropriate relationship with this man.

To the poster who said she would not want him in her bed if she was being abused - I can tell you as someone who was successfully groomed that she actually would. She has been successfully groomed to believe her and this man have a special bond, a relationship more important than any other in the house, that she should go to him if she is scared, that he will help her physically (e.g. with getting to sleep), that she is attractive, more attractive than her mum. She also believes her mum spoiled her relationship with her bio dad (not knowing he was a cheater and a neglectful parent), and I bet when this future attempt to dilute/break this 'special' bond happens, she will fight for their 'special' relationship just as much as he will.

It's all very shocking and disturbing.

Lay down the rules. Watch him not stick to them, tell you it's you with issues, that you are jealous/paranoid, that he is just being a good parent.

You need real, professional help with this OP. Do you feel up to calling the NSPCC?

Good luck with the new rules/kicking him out - whichever you choose. Stand firm.

In all this mess I really feel sorry for your dd1. She lost her dad early on, then mum, then mum got pregnant and married before getting her back....

This man was in your and her life before she got you back.

Why weren't you fighting to get her back in your life instead of falling in love, getting pregnant and married? Don't you love her? Bet you that's what she thinks. And he has stepped right in...

Thanks everyone, I should have posted earlier....

Agree this is very chilling.

Disregarding what may be happening (potentially grooming which it sounds like to me) what is actually happening is disturbing enough.

He downplays your role in the family to one where you are just the person relinking him with people he's 'destined' to be with.

He has replaced you, his wife, with his stepdaughter in several key ways and puts her first above you and treats her significantly differently to your DD2. This is very weird and you need to stop this.

I'm not sure re-establishing boundaries would be enough, he's already marginalised you within your family. Please don't let him turn this around and say you're paranoid because of your past. You're not. This is not normal. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. :(

Also just to add.

• Checking on him doesn't mean he won't abuse her.
• Being in a room with other people (adults or children) wont stop him abusing her.
• Being suspicious won't stop him.

My mum was suspicious of my father, it didn't stop him, she tried her best not to leave us alone with him, it didn't stop him, and like other posters on MN I have experienced abuse whilst in a room full of family members.

My mum told me all the stuff about if someone touches me to tell an adult. I didn't tell anyone as I knew who was in charge in our house, who was the 'stronger' parent, and who spoilt me the most. [grim]

Mademoiselle - I read your OP and subsequent posts and it truly chilled me to the core. There is definitely something not right about all of this, you have had some excellent advice and I really urge you to be strong and protect your children. DO NOT allow him to turn this around on you or bring your past into it (assuming he knows about your past) - the relationship he has with your eldest DD is unhealthy at best and, at worst, well I shudder to think...

Wishing you luck and strength x

It's grooming. I recognise it. I also recognise how they confuse the Mother (you) and keep her busy wondering where the boundaries are. They always pick women who have a weak sense of boundaries. Sorry OP. But this is all classic.

You need to get rid of him.

I agree with sweetgrapes

My concern would be that some of DD1's behaviour might be down to her spending time with grandparents and then joining a ready made family where she had to share her mum. You DH's wierd behaviour with her can't have helped her in adjusting.

Meanwhile. DD2 is not getting much of a look in with her dad. its all very disjointed with your DD1 occupying your place in the family.

I know Eastenders is very bad fictional but it kind of reminds me of the recent abuse storyline in Bianca's family.

Op I used to work with a young woman who was clearly in a very abusive relationship. She would come into work with black eyes etc. she didn't want to talk about it but I offered her my flat if she ever needed to flee.

Which she did one night. She was terrified her mother would tell him where she was. She really didn't offer me much of an explanation. But I found out later that the boyfriend was her step father. He'd taken her off at the age of 16. She did eventually escape but it took a long time.

It does happen

I agree that this can't be solved with a parenting course, btw. But I do think that connecting with other people in RL who can demonstrate appropriate boundaries will help the OP recognise what is acceptable and what isn't. Also, her dh will find it more difficult to make her feel paranoid if others are supporting her. And whilst OP may have to pay for, or wait for family therapy or other counselling, she should be able to get on a course fairly quickly.

OP his reaction tonight will reveal a lot more about how he really feels. If he is immediately defensive or blames you, without really listening to you or giving any consideration to what you're saying, you will know that this cannot be resolved just between the two of you. You will need RL support.

Good luck x

Holly thats just awful, that poor poor girl.

Good luck, OP, this is obviously not an easy situation for your and your 'spidey senses' are already alert otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

From my (limited) experience, groomers can also use other children as 'red herrings', paying them innocent and over-the-top attention so as to disguise the child they have targeted. The 'previous life' thing has been said to all - but with the same emphasis, or not? DD is 11, something like that could be 'flattering' in her mind.

The 'competition' is quite normal but his response to it is not. You are his wife - your DD the child and he should be treating her thus and not as the lady of the house. You could give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, that he's trying too hard but it stops from now. It's deeply disrespectful the way your DH and DD are treating you and only forgiveable from her as she is a child.

You will know everything you need to know from your conversation tonight... any resistance should be met with getting some outside help from professional agencies, in my opinion.

Whether this is abuse or not is is odd and odd behaviour has to be removed from a family otherwise you will forever be on the outside looking in and completely unaware of abuse should it ever happen, until it's too late.

Courage, OP.

x-posted with FairstiveGreetings

It could be so many things, the worst being he is grooming her. Even if he isnt you need to gain some control back in your home. If it was me I would confront him and say that now that she is reaching puberty that certain things make you feel uncomfortable and although you love the fact that they have such a close bond etc... it is now time for him to step back abit to let her grow up a little bit. 11 is a funny age and lots of girls at 11 are still very young emotionally whereas others can be much more mature. I know I had some issues with my dhs relationship with his younder dd when she was around 12, not so much sexual but more the fact that she would sit between us on the couch and ask him to massage her and rub her and it used to drive me mad. I was never worried that anything sexual was going on but I felt that I was being pushed out and that she was trying to make their relationship the strongest and most important one. I could see where she was coming from and that she needed reassurances but this was not the healthy way to being going about it. You need to strengthen your relationship with dd and put yourself back in the driving seat (and also the passenger seat) and reassert your position in your home. Things might work out ok for all of you x

You said he thinks your daughter was his sister in his previous life, and that she is a little version of you.

Does he have a sister? If so what is their relationship like?

Your whole family dynamic is utterly tangled. You need to reestablish your positions pretty damn quickly. I think your son needs his own room so you and your DH can go back to sharing a bed. You need to always travel in the front of the car. You need to stop him 'laying with' the girls when they go to bed (that is entirely inappropriate and I can't think of one reason he would need to do it - whose benefit is it for? Is he trying to facilitate a slow move to 'laying with' in the biblical sense?)

I think you urgently need some family therapy, and a health professional needs to tell him that past life regression has no basis in fact. He sounds delusional and possibly has a mental health problem.