Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

Yes OP - I hope you are OK too. I'm sure you are in shock at all the responses tonight . Thinking of you x

Pinky - I agree with you. DH may simply be acting the daft hippie who doesn't believe in parenting boundaries, but if so why isn't he treating the other children with equal privileges?

I disagree with you corygal. I rarely post on Relationships. I've never, as far as I can remember, posted as a 'paedo-ganger'. But this is one of the few threads I felt I had to post on.

There's a damn good reason virtually every MNer on here has told her to get him the fuck out. And that is because this is way beyond counselling etc. What is there to save? Nothing but the DC's, this is a 'marriage' where the wife has not only been marginalised, but has also very clearly been told that she is a means to an end. And that end is the DD, as the H in this has said.

Either way, SarahStratton, sometimes when a ton of people react so virulently to an OP, it does seem a bit over the top and in that case, I think it makes the OP bury their head in the sand a bit more. Not picking on you or something, but it's not as if we KNOW the little girl is being abused. If it turns out she's not, maybe the OP will just think "well this situation is fine then" when it's clearly anything but.

The DD may well not be being abused or groomed.

However, if there is any possibility, it's time to get out. Never mind the rest of the story.

Sarah - I get you entirely but sometimes a tidal wave of advice can scare someone into paralysis, or in this case further paralysis, which in this case would be very damaging.

I maintain that OP should deal with the immediate problems - and focus on the dangerous ones - and see how that goes before she gets out. Whatever we think or suggest online, when it boils down to it, no one except DH knows if incest is on the cards (at least I hope not). So acting like it's a certainty won't work.

I also reminded her that everyone is shrieking that that her situation is serious and that whatever she might think of the welter of responses, she must listen and take action. The key issue is how DH reacts to new and better rules - I'm afraid his response may provide answers to questions OP really never wanted to ask.

OK so there is a 9yo and 11yo DD shareing a room and they have different bedtimes (why?).

Then the mum and the baby in the second big room and the DH in the single bed in the box room.

The OP has said she does not think H is abusing the children.

She is concerned cos the eldest dd is undermineing her and the H is encouraging it. There is no mention of the 9yo coping the 11yo.

The eldest DD gets to ride in the front when both her and the H is driving.

The baby is 8 months old so they had sex year and half ago and shared a bed.

H had hypno 2 years ago and has started saying that him and the kids know each other in a past life but we were not told what role the 9yo or 8mo was in relation to the H.

Everyone like H and no one has any issues with him.

There is no info on the marrage in regards to emotion detatchment and the reason for H sleeping in boxroom is cos the baby keeps him awake.

To solve this the OP will sleep in big room with dh and baby (baby still going to cry) but its ok cos h gets his own bed. And the dd will get seprate rooms - making it easiers to abuse them maybe?

Woiuld it make more sence to put bunk beds in one room for the girls, baby in the small room and the master room for the two adults?

I dont see a problem in the dd being in the front of car as long as both dd take turns.

Has the OP asked the H why he is staying in the room till the girls go to sleep? What is she doing when this is happening? Why does she not but a bed time routine in place, dinner, bath, book and bed? Maybe cos they are too old and can go to sleep on thire own. Have you discuessed parenting with the H?

Sorry i cant get my head round this!

Also the h stays with both girls but its the eldest that people think is being abued but dd2 is in the same room but he is alone with dd2 as she is younger and goes to bed first? But he cant be abusing her cos she is his d right!

What would you say if it was ds and not dd? Bad parenting, poor marrage, no communications and adults not taking responiability?

I think you should read the whole thread very carefully AnAir, it's not quite as simple as that, and there are a lot of problems within the marriage that you've missed.

Cory you are right about that, a good way of thinking.

Anairpfhoe I don't think anyone has said the elder dd is definitely being abused, but it is the dynamic between her, op and the husband the op has posted about which suggests that is the problem area. In fact several people have suggested the situation is damaging for the whole family.

I don't agree with whoever said the woo problem is a separate issue to the dd issue. Hippy woo shit can be a cover for all sorts of crap.

Why does she not but a bed time routine in place, dinner, bath, book and bed?

This girl is 11...at that age I had started my periods, and spent most of my spare time with friends discussing potential boyfriends (all very innocently at 11, but it was only the next step away from kissing them, and then more by the time I was 13)

The maturity levels of an 11 year old are usually quite a lot different to a 9 year old. And you really wouldnt expect them to have the same bed time either.

Nor would you expect a parent to be laying with them every night until they are asleep.. that is just unnecessary, and inappropriate too.

I wonder how much time the OP spends on her own with either of her daughters, as it certainly sounds as if the husband is doing his best to ensure there is very little private time between mother and daughter. Again, another red flag.

The 11yo is likely to be full of resentment for her mother, for abandoning her almost from birth, and then getting her back but as a stranger into a ready made family. An 11yo is not going to understand a mental health issue, or understand why her mother thought her education was more important than looking after her child. (I dont mean that harshly, but that is how an 11 year old will see this). So, 11yo finds a way to get "revenge", on both the younger sister, and also her mum... by becoming a little princess in her stepfathers eyes.

In this scenario, a normal man would see the signs, and would be at pains to treat both girls equally, and make a point of showing unity with his wife, and this is where the OPs situation gets more dangerous, because in this instance, the husband is on some goddamn ridiculous psychobabbling wave about reincarnation ... or so he says... while also completely enabling the eldest daughters behaviour, in fact, encouraging it. The question must be asked, why?

"Bad parenting, poor marriage, no communications and adults not taking responsibility?"

Add to that "the husband's grooming the daughter" and you've got the whole thing there, AnAirOfHope.

OP, now that you have raised this, surely you realise you have to act and that means getting him out of the house and not letting your children spend time alone with him?

I have only read what the op posted - what did i miss out? (it is possible as feeding baby and reading at same time

I think we cant judge what is happening with the info we have.

Hope your talk with him is going well, OP. Stay resolute.

Hope your ok op x

I think we can definitely form the judgement that this is not a healthy relationship dynamic between husband, wife and daughter.

ah AIr but we can judge on the info weve been given, theres enough there to raise serious questions when seen as a bigger picture.

Its when people have situations like this and think, well, hes probably not,best to assume not, that young girls are left vunerable; alot of the time in their own home, by someone they know.

What do you mean 'there is no way he will get me out of the house' ? Has he told you that if you want to split it is you who has to move out or something? If you are from different countries whose country do you live in ATM?

I wish I had had MN years ago.

My twatty H is a control freak and when the DD had sleep overs he would insist on "lights out and no talking". If they chatted (which of course they did) he would go in and lie down and "bore them to sleep". Until the day one of the girls called him a perv and said she would ring Childline! He actually meant well because he thought they needed sleep but in hindsight this was a clue I was living with a weirdo!

OP what he is doing is not healthy. Your DD needs a dad not a boyfriend. You need an equal partnership and have a right to be treated with respect. Get tough and lay down the law!

Lots of posts since last time. First of all I'll have to say there have been some great advice on here....sorry therock I tried to just state the changes you suggested but I got so angry I told him how I felt about everything, and told him I was scared for me and my children for being in the relationship. I also said I was going to call nspcc. He was not angry but very shocked. Said he could see how his action seem to me. He said he is not interested in children and will not sleep with my daughter. He also offered for us to call nspcc together tomorrow when the kids are on play dates, I told him I was going to do all the talking and he could just listen to what they said. But he also said we could go and see a marriage counsellor if I wanted. I was worried he was going to do the emotional blackmail thing and say but I have been a father to her etc but he didnt. I am not as subservient as I am being potrayed on her. Neither am I a fool, I was unsure of the situation to start with but now I know from everyone's responses if it doesnt feel right, it isnt right.

I just think there is more to this!

I also agree that if someone is worried about the safety of their children then they have an oblegation to put their safety first and do what ever is nessary to protect the children - but in the UK its innocent until proven guilty not the other way round. If there is a worry of abues then professional should be called in and not a witch hunt.

Said he could see how his action seem to me. He said he is not interested in children and will not sleep with my daughter.

he would hardly say anything other than that!

He also offered for us to call nspcc together tomorrow when the kids are on play dates, I told him I was going to do all the talking and he could just listen to what they said. But he also said we could go and see a marriage counsellor if I wanted.

I honestly think you need to talk someone professional, on your own, not with him there. Your children may also need to talk to someone too, without him, or you being there.

"now I know from everyone's responses if it doesnt feel right, it isnt right"

Can you explain what you mean by this?

Do you think your DH is abusing your children? (if so why is he still there?)

Even if he does not physically or sexually abuse them, the inappropriateness of his actions can still be very damaging.

To this day, I cannot say 100% my dad didn't do anything to me, because he did quite a lot of inappropriate things and there are big stretches of my childhood that I don't really remember. It really messed me up for a while.

If he is not willing to change his behaviour, he needs to go. Don't wait for proof that there is abuse because what he is doing now is already bad enough.

Oh and he suggested we put the baby in the cot so he sleeps in our bed again. I am not letting him off the hook that easily tho. We will call tomorrow so he hears himself how other people might perceive the situation.