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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
TheRocks · 28/12/2011 16:24

Don't tell him other people have told you what to say. This has come from you. YOU want to be respected. YOU will not put up with this any longer. YOU are making changes and if he doesn't respect them YOU will be filing for divorce.

YOU need power back. He doesn't get to say how things are, YOU have a say too.

Also, don't ask him if he will consider the changes, tell him they WILL be happening.

Have to say though I agree with Chubfuddler in that I would hate to be married to someone I couldn't trust around my kids Sad

forgetmenots · 28/12/2011 16:24

I should have added that if he doesn't comply then you know there's a bigger issue - gauge the reaction. Most men would be over the moon to get back to quality time with DW!

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:24

scented I dont see my daughter in the wrong at all. I havent said that anywhere on this thread!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 28/12/2011 16:27

to be fair, in your OP where you say that "I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to."

You are saying that your other daughter isn't "like this" - what is that if not saying that your daughter is 'like this'?

It is easy to see that as you saying that this is a problem with the way your daughter is behaving. That's certainly how it read to me. Otherwise, why would you have said that you don't have anything to compare it to because your other daughter isn't 'like this'?

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:27

I think the sleeping arrangements of the whole family has to change. We will have to move to the bigger room with the baby then there will be no excuse of the baby waking him up. He will have a double bed all to himself!

OP posts:
scentednappyhag · 28/12/2011 16:28

I apologise if I've misunderstood.

changingnicknameforxmas · 28/12/2011 16:28

He is utterly and totally deranged. Off his trolley.

You are enabling his nuttiness because you are afraid to stand up to him and you're turning your daughter into the alpha female.

Sorry but you need to stand up and sort this - get out, get your kids out and don't go back.

I wouldn't let him within 100 miles of my DD's I'd take my kids and run like fuck.

Sorry Sad

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 28/12/2011 16:28

oh, and your husband may very well want to turn all this round onto you.

you're jealous, you're sick etc etc

for a start, it's an excellent way to shut you up, isn't it?

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 16:28

My prediction.

He is not going to like this one little bit. And he is going to say that it is you that is to leave the house. Without the children.

Personally, if that is the reaction, I would call the Police and tell them everything you have told us. I am not happy that that would be the correct thing to do though, and I hope someone else will be able to give advice on that scenario.

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:29

Sorry if it read that way! Thats not how I meant it to be. have to go they are back

OP posts:
theenchantedhood · 28/12/2011 16:29

I agree with TheRocks and also as another poster said - New Year changes is a great excuse to take charge again...

LadyMedea · 28/12/2011 16:29

You definitely need to reassert your place as the woman in the house. I'd get yourself back in the front seat, him back in your bed (more important in the long run than cosleeping), and stick to your guns with all the other boundaries.

Sit DH down, talk frankly and stay calm, show him this thread if necessary so he can see it through your and other's eyes and see how odd this is. I would also recommend some family therapy - relate offer this service.

I'd recommend that you deal with this sooner rather than later as your DD will be a full blown teenager soon and it will only get trickier.

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 16:29

Who will move? you and the baby or you and your DH? Is there really no way you and DH could sleep together?? DS could have the guestroom then when he's older too.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 28/12/2011 16:29

please take care and take care of your child and don't let this man shut up your valid concerns or try to make you the bad guy here xx

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 16:30

Yes, Hec, it's going to be OP that is the one with the problem, the one thinking sick thoughts because she is jealous. And he will try and get you to be the one to leave as he is the better parent and the children want him there. Meaning DD.

changingnicknameforxmas · 28/12/2011 16:32

Actually, I'd not take the kids and run, I'd put him out.

It's not you, you're not the one with the problem, it's him.

And i guarantee like everyone else has said, he'll try to make it you.

IT ISN'T YOU.

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 16:33

It crossed my mind too that he might try to engineer a situation where YOU need to leave the house.

Don't for god's sake let that happen. I echo SarahStatton's advice there and say if he does suggest that you leave and leave him with the kids, call the police.

NotnOtter · 28/12/2011 16:39

Taghain very naive posting there

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:41

therocks me Dh and baby will move into bigger room. younger dd in guest room older dd in the other. I will keep an eye on DH but there is no way he will her me out of the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:42

I mean get. On my mobile....bleeding predictive text

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 16:44

You do know op that feeling you have to keep an eye on your dh around your dh is absolutely not normal and right in any shape or form.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 16:45

I find this thread really chilling too.

The majority agree that something may be amiss here, you wouldn't have come here if you didn't feel this too. Sad

What stands out to me:

I would never dream of asking my DH if he feels uncomfortable hugging my developing 10 year old, why would that thought even cross your mind? alarm bells ringing

The fact that you check to make sure he is not abusing her. Shock n most families that would be a given that the father/step- father who you are with is not. alarm bells

The connection to your DD through a past life (I know he says she was his sister) but really does he believe she was something else, I find this quite sickening/weird. Is he grooming her? Does he have MH issues? Does he say this in front of her? alarm bells

Lying with her while she goes to sleep, well its a bit uneccessary even if it is innoccent which I am not saying it is. My 10 year old says good night and off she goes, occassionally she will get in bed if she has had a bed dream or if DH away (shes too big otherwise)

The front seat thing, why oh why are you being pushed out, grooming? What does your 9 year old think? My 7 year old would want a turn. Hmm

Cutting your converstion short to talk to DD, weird.

In any case it is up to you to protect your children and it is not your DDs fault.

starsintheireyes · 28/12/2011 16:45

Please please do what rocks said-

  1. He no longer lays with the girls until they fall asleep, they're plenty old enough to go to sleep on their own. (If I tried to lay with my 10 year old son until he fell asleep he'd think I'd gone mad! and he's my biological child!)

  2. The CHILDREN (meaning the DD too) do not interrupt conversations. They wait until the ADULTS have finished speaking.

  3. The ADULTS sit in the front of the car, the CHILDREN sit in the back.

As others have said, ifs theres no problem, he will have no problem with the new rules, and if he objects...well you have your answer.
Gd luck xx

PengPeng · 28/12/2011 16:46

I read somewhere that girls go through a developmental stage during which they 'practice' their seduction skills on their fathers. When the father stays in his father role and deals with their games in an appropriate way, girls feel secure and develop a healthy approach to relationships. Or something like that.

OP, it doesn't sound like your DH is behaving appropriately. Your DD might enjoy all the special attention, but it's not healthy for her. She's 11 - she's meant to be a child (just about), not to take on your role. By not standing up to this distortion, you're increasing the likelihood that she will have difficulties building healthy relationships with men. Do something about it.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 16:47

No you need to get him out of the house. He is nuts. And he is not going to listen to you if you ask him to stop being creepy and grooming your DD for future abuse, he's either going to get sneakier about it or he's going to ignore you. And probably the latter because he thinks you are irrelevant and incapable of standing up to him. Because, for whatever reason, you are obviously a very submissive sort of person, I advise you to involve the professionals on your own, don't consult this awful man, just seek some help. Because I can't see you summoning the strength to do what you should which is tell this man to pack his bags and fuck off before you have him arrested. However, the involvement of professionals should result in him being removed from your lifes and both you and the DC getting the help you need to rebuild your boundaries.

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