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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 22:37

You need to call NSPCC without him there. Can you see why? I really hope there is no truth in this, but if there is just the smallest possibility, he mustn't hold all the cards. Call them now or when he's asleep.

dreamingbohemian · 28/12/2011 22:39

oh sorry x-post

So he is going to change his behaviour starting now, right? He is not simply trying to put you off with talk of counseling -- he will actually start doing things differently?

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 22:39

Well done OP on sticking to your guns and spelling it out for him. Now, I agree with squeaky that you should speak to NSPCC alone initially. If he wants to talk to them separately that's up to him but I think you should keep your conversation with them private.

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 22:39

Sorry, but that response isn't good enough. Please ring them without him there.

yellowraincoat · 28/12/2011 22:40

I'd also recommend calling them without him there. Otherwise, he can easily bend whatever they've said; tell you you misunderstood and so on.

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 22:40

I will say it again I dont think he is abusing them! I am not sure where that came from. I didnt say that in my original post! Oh I guess I am tired now....

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 22:41

Please phone without him. He is using him being there to manipulate you.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 22:42

Madem - thinking isn't enough, I know my DH is not abusing my daughters. I don't feel the need to question him or check up on him. I agree speak to NSPCC alone.

NotnOtter · 28/12/2011 22:42

no one thought ill of my abuser
no one

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 22:43

100% certain?

goldbow · 28/12/2011 22:44

To this day I still think my M knew or suspected that I was being abused. I will never forgive her.

AnAirOfHope · 28/12/2011 22:45

Why not call nspcc on your own and then again with him there? Just explain that to them and see if there is a different outcome with him there?

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 22:45

If you were to find out that it did happen, that you had these suspicions and did nothing, how would you feel? Could you forgive yourself? Even if you're fairly certain, surely it's worth making sure you take all the right steps, just in case?

GypsyMoth · 28/12/2011 22:45

You say you know he isn't abusing your dc..... How many mothers through time have come out with that?

Truth is, you know nothing.....

suburbophobe · 28/12/2011 22:46

Could you split it into paragraphs?

Sorry, but in one long loop I find it hard to read... (and therefore respond)...

GypsyMoth · 28/12/2011 22:46

Op..... Can you ask him to move out whilst you take appropriate advice?

AnAirOfHope · 28/12/2011 22:47

Could he want to know what you know or how much you know, and thats why he wants to be there?

If he was abusing your dd - Do you think he would want to know if she has said something to you?

TheOriginalNutcracker · 28/12/2011 22:47

He sounds quite calm, considering. I think he has said what you wanted to hear.

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 22:48

He is asleep in our room now with the baby in the cot. I will call nspcc alone but will also call with him tomorrow. Something else....about the car he said the baby crying made it difficult for him to drive and reminded me how many times he sat in the back when I was driving. Before that he said the girls argued less if one was sitting in front. So I insisted I still didnt like it and he is banned from driving if am in the car, he will sit at the back with the baby whiles DD1 sits in the front with me.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 28/12/2011 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 22:49

Spill everything to NSPCC and see what they think. If you are right, and he is not abusing anyone, then what have you got to lose? They will put your mind at rest. Or, they may recognise some signs of possible grooming and will be able to advise you.

You can speak to them, or childline, anonymously and it won't hurt anyone. But it might be the best call you ever made.

Watch his actions carefully now, btw. He should no longer allow your dd to interrupt, sit your place, monopolise his time, etc. He should stand shoulder to shoulder with you and present a united front. If he doesn't, he hasn't understood you at all and will not change that easily.

I don't think this is about marriage guidance, I think that is his way of deflecting the issue off him onto both of you. He is already suggesting that this is something that can be resolved by talking. It's not, it's his actions you need to watch.

GypsyMoth · 28/12/2011 22:50

I have 5 dc and we manage just fine..... Lots if us do! He us making ( odd) excuses.

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 22:50

Firstly, excellent that you will call without him.

Re the car thing, you said this happened before you had the baby?
Also why would he be 'banned' from driving?

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 22:50

He seems to have all the answers..

What is his justification for guarding over them until they fall asleep?

starsintheireyes · 28/12/2011 22:51

Those were my exact thoughts nutcracker