Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

145 replies

Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:15

So I have started dating someone, a few months and all was going well until yesterday.

I have just found out that he is still in constant touch (daily) with his ex who from what I know behaved very badly to him and he has always said he would never go back to.

I looked at his phone (I know I know I know) they text constantly, very flirty, he wnats to meet, she isn't sure and he doesn't push it, they talk for an hour at a time on the phone? loads of x's and babes etc etc, sometimes he just says hows your day babe, what you up to.

What does this look like?

OP posts:
LovelyLizzie · 21/12/2011 11:17

My view is, that I would say he is not over her. So sorry honey, I have been there myself and it sucks.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:29

Thanks, none of the messages suggest them getting back together though, some are boring about the weather and her pets, its the frequency and the tone I am worried about, he spoke to her three times last week on different days for an hour at a time

Almost I wish I hadn't read them or seen the call logs as I don't know what to think and don't want to admit looking at his phone

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 21/12/2011 11:30

It looks like he's using you and would drop you like a hot potato if his ex suddenly became 'sure'.

Not a very nice way to treat you, proving he's not a very nice person. Accept his Christmas present graciously then dump him, the jerk.

stayformulledwine · 21/12/2011 11:31

Do you really have to ask? Babes? Loads of kisses? Wanting to meet? Save yourself more heartache and find someone not still involved with their ex.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:33

So you think he wants her back? I know they have had some terrible arguments in the past, so I just don't know why a man would want that much contact with his ex if as claimed she has been such a cow?

Could he be being just friendly? is there any chance of that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:33

And he doesn't push the meeting bit, suggests it then backs off when she says not yet

OP posts:
ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 21/12/2011 11:34

I had a dp who was totally over his nasty, good for nothing ex. Until she found out he was in a relationship and decided she wanted him back.

Result was me being dumped New Year's Day.

Funnily enough she dropped him when she had had her fun and he came crawling back. Lucky for me he did dump me though as met DH 2 weeks later and the rest is history.

He clearly would get back with her, you are waiting on her whim whether your relationship will last. Dump him! Think of it as a xmas present to yourself Wink

coppertop · 21/12/2011 11:35

"Just friendly" = a text now and then to ask how she is.

Flirty texts, hour-long phone conversations several times a week = a lot more than just friendly.

Sorry, Sophiebites.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 21/12/2011 11:36

My ex dp had to take on another job to pay off her debts that were attached to their hourse, changed the mortgage, everything - and yet still went running.

Him not pushing meeting her isn't a good sign, he shouldn't want to meet her at all. And it shows he is still putting her feelings first.

This is not going to end well.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:40

Thanks, he several times says to her he is glad they are friends now but then starts flirting and asking if she still has various items of clothing he bought for her etc? huh, and offeres to take her out for dinner some time, the most damning thing was that when she questioned him about his love life he made out there was nothing, I know I am only seeing him but even so. He also keeps jokingly implying she has a boyfriend now which she denies

I don't get why he tells me he is over her

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:42

Re meeting, she asked for a picture of him when he was doing some charity thing, he said you can take one in person? she said lets see if we can get on well for a while and not ruin it, so he said ok and sent her a picture

If she wanted him back you think he would go? after all the bad press he has given her????

OP posts:
BecauseImperfect · 21/12/2011 11:44

He is not over her. You are the fallback, the insurance policy shag. To make her feel guilty and push her into paying up.

squeakytoy · 21/12/2011 11:44

Yes he would go back to her I'm afraid.

You need to get rid of him now, because you are just going to end up hurt.

It sounds to me like they both still have feelings for each other.

PeppermintPasty · 21/12/2011 11:46

Another vote for him still having feelings for her, sorry. Don't let him take you for a mug, he's being a thoughtless hurtful arse.

snuffaluffagus · 21/12/2011 11:47

He's still into her sorry!

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:48

Am I clutching at straws to think maybe she is just a sh@g he wants?

Thats what my friend a bloke suggested

Bad anyway

OP posts:
coppertop · 21/12/2011 11:49

I would forget about the things he's told you and instead look at his actions.

He's in daily flirty contact with his ex and has denied that he is in any kind of relationship with you.

This would be okay if your relationship is the kind where you are both free to see other people and you both know that this is the case.

PeppermintPasty · 21/12/2011 11:51

Well, you wouldn't want that I presume?!! Actually, to me it sounds more serious-he is angling for meetings, still asking her about their personal stuff etc, not good. Did she finish with him, maybe he feels it's unfinished business for that reason. Whatever, he's going to hurt you if you don't get out IMO.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:53

Is it worth asking him?

I do really like him and don't want to appear jealous or controlling and how on earth do I explain reading ALL their texts (about 300)

OP posts:
Rebekmah · 21/12/2011 11:54

Sorry honey, I don't think this will end well. If they had a common tie like kids you could understand daily contact, but there's really no need for him to be speaking/texting so frequently.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 21/12/2011 11:54

What would you be asking him? I think to much better just to walk away, easy said than done though.

Unless you are happy for a casual fling, but it sounds like you would like something a bit more serious.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:55

Hi,

They were on and off for a while, and broke up afetr some hugh rows as far as I know earlier this year, they carried on rowing even when split up for a very long time

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 21/12/2011 11:55

Of course ask him. Well I would, but that's me. I think it's so obvious though, but be prepared for him to laugh it off and make you feel like you're paranoid. You're NOT of course, from what you've told us on here he is totally out of line.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:56

I guess I want to know if he has feelings for her?

I could understand him wanting to be friends (I think) but their texts don't seem appropriate for friends

I cd understand if he still fancied her a bit but not if he still cared

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:57

Fcuk and right before xmas

Thanks all, it doesn't really look good at all

OP posts: