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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

145 replies

Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:15

So I have started dating someone, a few months and all was going well until yesterday.

I have just found out that he is still in constant touch (daily) with his ex who from what I know behaved very badly to him and he has always said he would never go back to.

I looked at his phone (I know I know I know) they text constantly, very flirty, he wnats to meet, she isn't sure and he doesn't push it, they talk for an hour at a time on the phone? loads of x's and babes etc etc, sometimes he just says hows your day babe, what you up to.

What does this look like?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sophiebites · 29/12/2011 19:04

kerist you really still think he would run if she suddenly said yes to meeting?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sophiebites · 29/12/2011 19:07

Guys thank you all

I guess in my head I need to figure out if he still loves her, I don't know

OP posts:

Original poster

Sophiebites · 29/12/2011 19:07

But she won't meet him and so he stays friends isn't that a good sign?

OP posts:

tribpot · 29/12/2011 19:13

A good sign of what??

Original poster

Sophiebites · 29/12/2011 19:14

that he just wants friendship? if he wanted a quick shag and she has said no for 4 months isn't that a good sign? x

OP posts:

dippydoodah · 29/12/2011 19:16

He's a player. Don't go back. Nothing good will come of it and you'll be left feeling like total crap.

TheGrimSweeper · 29/12/2011 19:16

Sophie. There's nothing to figure out though. Yes he still likes her. If she agreed to meet he would and we all know where that would lead. Why do you want a relationship that is dependent on the whims of another woman. And by the way, I can guarantee that if not her, there will be others in future, because this man doesn't care about you and will always fond distractions.

Run while you still can love, find a man who's actually in to you!

kallima · 29/12/2011 19:17

it's not a good sign if SHE says no. he shouldn't be asking. do you really want to continue a relationship which is based on her self control???

Xales · 29/12/2011 19:17

Does it matter if he loves her or not?

He doesn't love you. He has spent the first few months of a new relationship with you (when everything should be blissful and happy) constantly in contact with her asking to meet her.

Everything thing you posted here says he wants to meet her and would without a second thought.

If you are happy to know he would leave you at the drop of a hat if or when she changes her mind.

Personally I would rather be on my own that with a man constantly texting and asking to meet another woman. I am worth much more than that.

TheGrimSweeper · 29/12/2011 19:17

He wants a shaft. she said no

TheGrimSweeper · 29/12/2011 19:17

Shag

tribpot · 29/12/2011 19:19

From your OP:

they text constantly, very flirty, he wnats to meet, she isn't sure and he doesn't push it, they talk for an hour at a time on the phone? loads of x's and babes etc etc

Why are you convinced it's her he only wants a shag from? He's denied your existence (do his other friends know about you?), openly flirted with her on FB, and wants to get back together whilst she's away.

Never mind her, he isn't good enough for you. He's offered you no credible explanation of his behaviour, and now you're getting yourself in a lather (again) about whether he loves her. Because if he doesn't you'll take her leftovers? He doesn't seem capable of being much more than that at the moment.

Original poster

Sophiebites · 29/12/2011 19:19

Ok but he has a shag with me, why the hell would he run around trying to shag her

OP posts:

TheGrimSweeper · 29/12/2011 19:23

Sorry to be brutal - he's only shagging you until a better offer comes along. If he was content with you, why does he keep chasing her?

Thank your lucky stars you haven't invested toi much of your life on this cocklodger and get away while you can...unscathed. relatively.

kallima · 29/12/2011 19:24

because he's a twat who's got something to prove. he wants to keep her and you on tap. because it makes him feel like the man with the golden cock. that's why

Xales · 29/12/2011 19:28

He probably does like you. A nice warm body plus some company is much nicer when you have nothing better than your own hand.

He doesn't like you enough or want to admit he is sleeping with you to his mates because then he will burn his bridges with those he would rather be with.

You are second best.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2011 19:50

what are you struggling to figure out?
he's a shagger
he's duplicitous
he's had 2 lassies on the go

and despite all this you think he's a nice guy
WHY
do you zip the back of the head?

you better smarten up your act or he will be buttering you up with patter
before you know it

TheLightPassenger · 29/12/2011 20:06

Very simply, he's more into her than he is into you. Why put up with being second best, until she decides to take him back. And fgs block the pair of them on facebook.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2011 20:27

Sophie you've had your mn hand held
it's clear he doesn't care for you,he chose her
universal opinion is he's a lying shagger (apart from you who thinks he is lovely)

why are you scrabbling round oohh and ahhhing about a man who denied dating you when he was asked directly by the ex

are you really so foolish,so smitten after few months,so attached to notion of love hurts and he's lovely it's just his ex is a meanie.?

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 30/12/2011 21:39

Remember at the moment she is saying no but what if she says yes to meeting him in a few weeks or months? Given he wasn't too forthcoming about you to her previously.
Do you want to spend the next weeks, months or years even wondering if they're still in contact, flirting, him asking her to meet and maybe eventually meeting?
Your self esteem and confidence will be destroyed and you may then look back and feel like you wasted all that time.
There are more 'available' men out there who will you treat you better, but no amount of trying to convince yourself that he's a good guy is going to change the fact that he's in love with her still. Sorry to sound harsh......

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