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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

145 replies

Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 11:15

So I have started dating someone, a few months and all was going well until yesterday.

I have just found out that he is still in constant touch (daily) with his ex who from what I know behaved very badly to him and he has always said he would never go back to.

I looked at his phone (I know I know I know) they text constantly, very flirty, he wnats to meet, she isn't sure and he doesn't push it, they talk for an hour at a time on the phone? loads of x's and babes etc etc, sometimes he just says hows your day babe, what you up to.

What does this look like?

OP posts:
BecauseImperfect · 21/12/2011 11:57

Just tell him. Say I looked at your phone, save me the paranoid bitch speech. As it looks like I have good reason. You aren't over your ex, cya.

PeppermintPasty · 21/12/2011 11:58

As for appearing jealous or controlling-please don't see it like this. You are supposedly in a relationship with this "man", you are entitled to know what is going on and asking does not make you jealous or controlling.

Furthermore, putting your foot down and telling him to sort it out or you walk does not make you jealous or controlling. It makes you wise and able to realise that you deserve better.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 12:00

Thanks, I am going to speak to him in a minute and ask him

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 21/12/2011 12:02

oh dear, he is so not over the ex. sorry

namechangedtomoan · 21/12/2011 12:05

Deffo get out of it while you can if he hasn't let go youre in for a whole lot of pain you could do without

scottishmummy · 21/12/2011 12:07

he's not that into you,not over ex
you need to call time on this because he's having his cake and eating it,two lassies on the go.both into him,both probably fucking him too
how much clearer do you need it,he's a slimy cheat
it's a real shame you got caught up in his games,but go get a nice man.and don't fall for any of his awww babe spiel

scottishmummy · 21/12/2011 12:17

my god he denied dating you when ex asked?
grow a spine and split up with him,don't go seeking any explanations for his poor behaviours.there is no adequate explanation.

and don't delude yourself that it's ex fault,and she somehow works her she devil magic and he succumbs.he's an adult man choosing to have two women on the go

when asked a direct question,he denied dating you.that speaks volumes

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 12:20

No they haven't met, but thats her saying no

Hes ringing back in a minute, am not going to admit to looking at phone but will ask him about her

OP posts:
spanna41 · 21/12/2011 12:26

Would it not be better discussing it all face to face as opposed to on the phone. He clearly still has feelings for his ex. I am sorry to say - you're better off without him in your life.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2011 12:27

ask what exactly?
I detect an ambivalence, and hope you dont fall for his spiel
he's not that into you,denied dating you.....
what's to converse about?he will just get cleverer with his phone and turn into a you're in wrong for snooping arguement

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 12:30

If he's not over his ex why is he seeing me?

And she really was a complete cow when they split, how could he go back to that, makes no sense

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 21/12/2011 12:32

I understand why you need answers, I would too. But scottishmummy is right-don't let him reel you in or turn it back on you.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 21/12/2011 12:36

'Am I clutching at straws to think maybe she is just a sh@g he wants?'

-err, would that make it any better?!

He's a complete waste of your time - he is using you and still in love with his ex at best, at worst he's a shitebag cheat who's trying it on with women behind your back.

Sure as a eggs is eggs and kittens have fur.

DUMP ASAP.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 21/12/2011 12:38

'If he's not over his ex why is he seeing me?'

Because he's a scumbag who has no regard at all for your feelings, for fidelity, for you as a person, he is simply dishonest - while he waits around for his ex and carries on playing games with her, he obviously thinks it nice and pleasant to have a different woman to sleep with in the meantime!

He's treating his ex just as badly btw.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2011 12:38

you are wavering Sophie,and attributing all this to she devil ex (you only have his word for this) he's adult man choosing to have two women on the go,both vying for his attention you need to stop conceptualising it as her,and firmly lay blame at his feet. no one compels him to deny date you,or have 2 women on the go

he's a dog

don't waste time on him

the ex doesnt owe you anything, but he does.he denied dating you, come on how bad is that?

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 21/12/2011 12:39

'And she really was a complete cow when they split, how could he go back to that, makes no sense'

  • well, the problem here is firstly you continuing to believe a single word that comes out of his cheating mouth. Who knows what she was like?

WHO CARES?!

Make him be history, OP, ancient history.

steamedtreaclesponge · 21/12/2011 12:42

The exact same thing happened to my sister - she discovered that her boyfriend had been massively texting his ex for the whole time they'd been together (nearly a year) and keeping all contact secret from her. The texts weren't sex ones or anything, but definitely inappropriate for someone in a relationship, and crossing a line. My sister was heartbroken - she dumped him so fast you couldn't see her for dust. I think she did absolutely the right thing.

As scottishmummy says, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Sounds like you need to work on your self esteem and tell him to bog off.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2011 12:43

no only he(the git who denies dating you) says ex is cow
bet he tells her you're a cow too,and you don't understand him,yada yada

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 12:43

Just spoken to him, haven't admitted looking at his phone

He likes her, but only a s a friend, has known her a long time and would never get back with her, I asked him if he still fancied her and he chamged the subject

He then got quite angry and said she was trying to string him along but he would never fall for it and thats what she is like, keeps guys hanging on and she probably has a couple of boyfriends anyway

Then said she was a nice person and he valued her friendship

I am at a loss

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 12:44

Ps one of my friends knows her, she is a cow to men but stunning which is what makes me paranoid I think

OP posts:
kallima · 21/12/2011 12:48

wow. so he basically projected all the stuff he is doing (stringing you and her along, having 2 girls on the go) on to his ex??

if this was happening to your best friend, what advice would you honestly give?

scottishmummy · 21/12/2011 12:48

you need to be strong and end this.now
he's spinning you a line
and I fear you are susceptible
get pals together get support and chuck him
if not you'll always be his fall back

he denied dating you for fuck sake,that speaks volumes about his regard of you

now get your mates, get some wine,some nibbles in for girls
time get girls support when you sling him

PeppermintPasty · 21/12/2011 12:49

He is a liar. Really and truly. And now he's trying to paint himself as the victim-"and said she was trying to string him along but he would never fall for it". How bloody noble. And why is he saying that to you anyway? It's the sort of thing you'd say to a mate, not your girlfriend. What a git.

Original poster
Sophiebites · 21/12/2011 12:50

It all says to me he is still in love with her right?

OP posts:
ISayHolmes · 21/12/2011 12:51

What's really happening with the "stringing along" is that he wants to get back together with her and is angry that she'll talk to him but won't reunite. And he takes that as being strung along- because she won't be in a relationship with him even though he chases and suggests meeting up and flirts.

Honestly? There you aren't being paranoid, just feeling the reality of the situation staring you in the face: he wants to be with her and is chasing after her, he still has feelings for her. That's bound to make anyone feel like shit. I'm sorry.

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