How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

[nonglamorous]

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

how very magical

we have a xmas fairy within our midst

I don't think any 'need' gives any person the right to criticise somebody else.

PPT I said I'd find it so, not you. I'm glad you and your dh have a happy marriage but I find it cringeworthy to witness. At a school reunion recently I met up with an old friend who goes on and on about his gorgeous wife, she's plain looking but hey ho, anyway he chatted me up all night (or everytime he found me) He is major OTT about his perfect marriage.

Oh FFS men don't naturally have different 'needs' to women, they are just socialised differently so that they believe this utter horseshite and then write 'self help' books that gullible women buy, so that they can beat themselves up a bit more .

This had fuck all to do with the OP's appearance or his 'pride' in her. In fact by the sounds of this dick, it's likely that he told the current OW that his wife was a dowdy frump and knew that every lie he told would be exposed when his naturally gorgeous wife turned up at the airport.

I dont buy into this 'he cant help it he's a man' routine as an excuse for bad behaviour and l certainly dont agree with drawing up reference lists to make this behaviour officially excusable.

Many more men stay with their DWs/DPs after disfiguring surgery or illness etc and their relationship grows stronger if anything. l used to work on a womens surgical ward and many of our patients were there for mastectomys. My overriding memory is of their men being absolutely amazing and strong and supportive and would not even hear of abandoning their DW/P even when she was adamant they must do in some instances. Also they came back for an annual post check and l certainly dont remember these couples having split up by then being a common occurence.

AF

Oh FFS. Now the ad hominem attacks start. Oh, well, off you go, there's no stopping you.

Men DO have different needs to women - what on earth do you think all the power struggles in relationships are about? Not that this is part of the debate, and I don't want to get off the central issue, which is the repellant behaviour of this bloke and how he has hurt his wife.

"In fact by the sounds of this dick, it's likely that he told the current OW that his wife was a dowdy frump and knew that every lie he told would be exposed when his naturally gorgeous wife turned up at the airport." Ha ha ha! Too true!

Sudaname I am NOT advancing 'he can't help it he is a man'. Jeez, if you have concluded that you do not know me.

Glad to hear your stories. It is reassuring that there are more mature, loving men out there than immature self-absorbed unformed dicks. Of which there are far too many (but remember they are enabled by women at the same time) as it is.

OMG curiousmama what a dick that man is!

Yes he is and I thought he was nice. Poor wife

No Abitwobbly not aiming at you in particular just making the point that sometimes stereotyping can be used to playdown or excuse bad behaviour. For example - 'old people get grumpy/difficult because of x y z' - so if an elderly lady barges past people to queue-jump are we supposed to just think - 'ahh thats because of xyz - she cant help it'. Thats what l mean by not buying into these lists etc because there will be lots of times where actually 'no - that was just a very rude person who barged past me'

Sorry - making hard work of it now - l know what l mean - thats main thing .

The only thing that should follow

"Well, instead of sitting and chatting on MN, go and do your hair up, wear some sexy clothes and underwear and have a wash down there when he comes back. Dont look like a tramp but look sexy and attractive to him. "

is then tell him he has the kids you are going out

Sorry you don't like it, but it is listed as one of men's needs. To have a woman he is proud of.

Surely that is not a need, but a WANT?

just wanted to add my support, he's a knob.

Big argument today. He said that he didn't want to be petty so would like to do Christmas day and dinner. I said no, would prefer not to, thanks. Later on one of the kids spilled a drink on the sofa while I was out and he just left it. I made an irritable comment about and said "couldn't you have cleared it up?", he said "I didn't see it (it was right by his head, dd spilled as he lay there pissing about on the iPad), so I said " try watching the kids for once instead of messing about on MSN" I shouldn't have said that I know and it just went from there, he called me lazy in front of the kids, said HE paid for the sofa, I said "yes out of family money", which made him froth, told me to get a job and stand on my own two feet, he will support kids but will NOT pay spousal maintenance, would leave his job first blah, blah, blah ALL in front of kids.

God I feel shit, all in turmoil again as though it is all my fault. Is it? My ds told me to "stop telling Dad off". He thinks it's me causing all the trouble. He told me once that I MAKE his Dad go to work because I am mean to him. This is because whenever his Dad was going out on the piss he would tell ds he was going to work. Did I mention that ex drinks heavily though NOT round kids. I put a stop to that early doors because he and his family used to think it was ok to get totally pissed up round my kids. Let me reiterate that was put a stop to, doesnt happen anymore but I am an uptight, nag according to him and his parents.

Is it me? Help me to disengage, please. I shouldn't have said anything about the spillage. Why can't I learn? Feel awful, when I felt really on top of things yesterday. Christmas is going to be so sad.

He does not believe he is ever in the wrong. This house was his before we met and he says that he shouldn't be the one to move out, that I have done this all on purpose to get HIS home. I should just put up with everything, yes even infidelity and if I can't hack it then I should be the one to move out NOT him. I feel like I am going nuts. He really believes this, he really does and so do his family.

He is such a cock.

It is probably impossible to completely disengage whilst still living with the wanker. Just try your best, you are doing amazingly well.

Get a good lawyer. The house may have originally have been his but you are married and that gives you and your children certain rights like remaining in the family home and spousal support from him.

He is already elsewhere but doesn't think he should be. This is MY problem so I should go. I planned it all to get his house apparently.

Of course it's not your fault! Your low self esteem shows clearly with every post. And THAT is his fault too, it seems.

I don't know if it's my self esteem so much as his utter conviction that he is in the right. It is hard to get past.

do not engage

do not engage

do not engage

do not listen to him

his words are simply designed to hurt you

using your children against you is fucking disgusting

the only concrete way to stop this is to divorce him

it will take a while, but you can and will get free of shit like this

and your children will forget

I think your self esteem could be trhough the roof, and he would find a way to batter it back down

he is simply toxic

start divorce proceedings ASAP, that is my advice to you

Will they AF? God I hope so. Thats my biggest fear that they will carry all this with them into their future relationships. That's why I have to go all the way with this, damage limitation.

How can someone say and BELIEVE that their infidelity is my problem and the I should just put up with it? Beggars belief doesn't it?

Oh my ex was like that OP - it was HIS family's house before I came.
(The way they went on about his inheritance you'd have thought it was fucking Blenheim Palace not a draughty old farmhouse)

My solicitor advised me not to leave the marital home or he'd never sort the divorce out. He made it so unbearable I left for my sanity & his-worst thing I ever did he dragged it our for 2 expensive years.

Dig your heels in & if you can bear it stay put. You are bound to get drawn into a bit of sniping you're only human, but as much as you can disengage, ignore & keep out of his way when you are under the same roof.

When do you see your solicitor? You are doing brilliantly don't be too hard on yourself it's bloody tough.

yes it does, but some people really are that self deluded, arrogant and entitled

when it comes to the wire, their true feelings on how important you are to them will come through

there is short term hurt here for you,and for your dc, I don't deny that

but they will get over it, and it will be much less damaging to your dc in the long run than to watch from the sidelines as you try to negotiate a relationship with a narcissist like this, with all the loss of your own self you would have to endure to enable it

children need to see their mother respected...both boys and girls

it is essential to how they see the world < bitter experience here >