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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

270 replies

nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 11:38

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 19/12/2011 15:34

Glam he might have started to realise that you mean it hence the sudden "compliment" out of nowhere.
It was on the news recently that emotional abuse and coercive control will be as against the law as physical abuse is and your fucking disgusting sick bastard of an H (sorry i cant bring myself to put D for dear) is a bloody good example of why this law should go through.
Someone upthread (i think it was AF) did a really good list of the stages he will go through and the things he could say and do once he knows you are dead serious.
I once had an ex tell me that no one would ever love me like he did.
And the same guy called me fat during sex.
Its nowhere near what youve been through OP but it just gives me an inkling of it. Please dont let him back into your head or your bed.
You sound lovely and you deserve so much better.

Abitwobblynow · 19/12/2011 16:16

Hi, you need to go to Relate and get this out. You are hurt because he was being hurtful, it is not a good sign, and this needs confronting. BTDT.

There is a very, very good book called 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Willard Harley in which he says that women have 5 important needs and men have 5 and guess what - they are entirely different. The mistake we make is giving the other person the needs WE want ...

The third most important need for a man is 'to have a well-groomed and attractive wife'. We have also had this issue in our M.
So, could you do w losing a couple of pounds? (kg more like, with me) Wearing more make up? Getting out of jeans? We have to take their needs seriously if we don't want them to scoff at ours, yaknow?

Having said that, it would help in Relate if he was challenged on his narcissism, and regarding you as an extension of his ego (We also had etc etc). Men who are secure in themselves don't care what other people think. I was deeply impressed by Snoop Dog who declared publically in front of other dudes on the Jonathan Ross show how much he loved his wife and that she was his best friend. That guy has a big brain and a big pair. He is a MAN.

Abitwobblynow · 19/12/2011 16:18

The other thing I wanted to say, very sorry to tell you this, but start preparing yourself for the fact that he is having an affair. This sort of disloyal disrespect shows he feels quite far away from you, is not emotionally connected and is not a good sign.

Abitwobblynow · 19/12/2011 16:32

Wow am I so behind the times! Sorry I didn't read all the posts, which have already pointed to 'narcissism' and 'affair'.

Good luck, read all you can about narcissists and protect yourself. Remember, this is about HIM and not about you.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 19/12/2011 16:39

Well I weigh about 8 and half stone and run up to 50 km a week. I don't wear make up every day but I blow dry my hair and it gets highlighted and cut regularly. Perhaps if he did a bit more to help out instead of leaving it ALL to me I might have a bit more time to do my face each morning.

Actually what I need is a time machine that will take me back 8 years or so so I am younger than him and I don't have those little lumps and bumps that come from having kids, oh and if that machine could also make me look just like Cheryl Cole, to quote H "Now THATS what I call a REAL woman!" well that would be just great too.

Yeah I am pretty sure is he is having an "affair" or many affairs actually.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 19/12/2011 16:50

To quote "abit wobblynow" Could you do with losing a couple of pounds"unquote"
Its not always down to how the woman looks or what she weighs. When i was called fat during sex it was AFTER id lost ten stone.
After losing weight you sometimes end up with loose skin so some men (not all) will then moan at that instead.
What if GOD FORBID a woman gets cancer and has to have chemo/mastectomy/suffers hair loss etc.
Where do these expectations end for fucks sake????!!!!!!

babyhammock · 19/12/2011 17:30

Glamorous you sound just gorgeous, effortlessly naturally gorgeous. You are doing great. Yup show no emotion towards him whatsoever, he will feed off it and bleed you dry. Do not react to anything and imagine you have a shield around you that fends off his crappy remarks..
He will try and put you off kilter with the odd compliment, he is playing a game, but you know that..

Read 'The Sociopath Next Door' by Martha Stout, he sounds like one of the examples in there.

It wouldn't matter how pretty, how clever or how amazing you are, he would still find fault. Because he's a nasty little twat, simple. x

Lovingsinglelife · 19/12/2011 18:12

Nonglamorous (who actually sounds pretty glamorous) just wanted to say I think you are doing amazingly well. I have a theory about men like him which is that he actually hates himself and therefore has contempt for anyone that has a relationship with him. Doesn't matter either way though, onwards and upwards and look forward to hearing about your new life.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:19

Abitwobblynow your advice is terrible...wellmeaning I guess, but really terrible

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 18:22

AF, I think you are being awfully kind there...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:26

I know, I quite surprised myself Xmas Wink

I have handed my "stroppy mare" crown over to you, HH...

HappyHubbie · 19/12/2011 18:26

Nonglam (you need a new name, that one has so many negative connotations) your H sounds like a horrible shallow prick. You, OTOH, sound like a beautiful, warm and loving person, clearly intelligent and articulate, and one who cares deeply about her family. You sound so ... deflated though, like you've been beaten down over years, and reading the details you've posted recently that's exactly what's happened. I have some experience with aspergers/autism, and I think you're right to be wary of how to handle it with your DS, this is a very crucial time for him (it will be harder than for other kids) and I totally admire the way you're thinking of your children's needs throughout this while at the same time making sure that you get rid of this arsehole from your life. I really applaud you for that as I know from personal experience that finding that balance is incredibly difficult. There's a time to be angry, and this isn't it, anger is only negative and you need to be positive. You just need steely resolve (and the support of a few hundred MN'ers) at the moment, and you have both of those things in spade loads. You already know you're going to need a lot of strength to get through this, but you have it, you can do this!

Tortington · 19/12/2011 18:33

id be getting legal advice as to what i wold be entitled to and start making moved to et my hands on any secret stashes/ valuble things.

what i think is missing here is your self esteme.
i tell dh daily how awesome i am. he believes it

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 18:41

I was deeply impressed by Snoop Dog who declared publically in front of other dudes on the Jonathan Ross show how much he loved his wife and that she was his best friend.

Deeply impressed? Really? Hmm

My DH tells anyone who'll listen how much he loves me and how wonderful I am etc etc, I thought that's what normal husbands did.

Tortington · 19/12/2011 18:46

normal husbands do that

but its nice to see people go against their stereotype

anonacfr · 19/12/2011 19:06

Come on, 'normal' husbands (or wives for that matter) don't always do that.

luvviemum · 19/12/2011 19:30

He sounds like a total bell end!

How dare he be so disrespectful to the mother of his kids!! I'd tell him to cock off.

sheeplikessleep · 19/12/2011 19:34

I think my husband is a 'normal' one and he wouldn't go on to anybody who'll listen how much he loves me. Just because someone doesn't tell everyone doesn't mean they don't feel it. I love my DH deeply but I don't tell anybody else about how I feel about him.

CuriousMama · 19/12/2011 20:06

Eww I'd hate it if dp went around telling everyone how wonderful I was. He knows I am and shows it to me. Yes he does praise me but if he was going OTT I'd be very suspicious and find it patronising.

Glad you're ok OP, keep it up.

Eurostar · 19/12/2011 23:10

Hi again Ng - you are doing great. There are going to be ups and downs for sure but I am really hopeful that you are going to be one of the those posters who comes back a year or so for now and says you are feeling so much better, finding your confidence again etc. etc.

As for His Needs, Her Needs' by Willard Harley - jeeeezus - please do not buy that one, it sounds like even that Venus Mars stuff is up several rungs from that.

If you were to buy any book I'd say ones on overcoming low self-esteem and social anxiety would be the place to start as you have been ground down from already not the best beggining.

I am sure you will feel anger with your stbex but try to not waste time and effort convincing him of the truth because he is deaf to it. At most, write emails and never send, save them in draft. Sounds like there might be another woman about - that's actually a good thing really as it will keep him away.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 23:11

Snoop Dogg as a respecter of women ????

< pisses self laughing >

< changes knickers and pisses again >

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 23:13
andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 23:15

I don't find DH OTT at all TBH. It certainly isn't patronising or suspicious. :)

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 23:19

I didn't say all normal husbands do that, BTW. What I meant was that some famous dude saying "ooh I love my wife she's wonderful" on telly doesn't make a man amazing and rare - or mean that he "has a big brain and a big pair" Hmm

Abitwobblynow · 20/12/2011 11:08

It is incredible how men's needs are derided ignored and dismissed. ONLY if they are acceptable to women's versions of life, are they allowed.

Sorry you don't like it, but it is listed as one of men's needs. To have a woman he is proud of. I don't like it any more than you do (and of course narcissism isn't part of that healthy need) but sneering at it doesn't make it go away.

Do you have any idea how many women are abandoned when they get sick/disabled? Is it right? NO. But it is a childish and selfish outcome, of this need.
Don't bother beating me up, I am not a man, just the messenger. And killing the messenger doesn't take the message away. The old society (Shaka Zulu, medieval times) did that, didn't work.