How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

[nonglamorous]

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

I think a good compromise is he takes the dc's elsewhere on xmas day for a while

it will get him acclimatised to his new role

starring in his own deadbeat plot of "McDonald's Daddy"

it's the one he is chasing after...so give it to him

Yes, I know what you mean about the stages. He seems very cold and calm though, told me he didn't miss me at all while away and in his mind things had been over between us for a long time.

yes, he wants it so badly

give him what he wants

his freedom

which means, in the not too distant future your freedom

when you push for 50/50 residency that will piss on his chips

all those great new hobbies new men you can cultivate

I can picture it now

you, starring in "My Fucking Great New Life free From Bullshit" and him, in his bedsit in his pants watching "BabeStation"

lovely

Is he being cold and calm because he doesn't believe you will follow through? Telling someone that in their mind things have been over for a long time is extremely cruel so I would hazard a guess that he still thinks he can panic you into thinking he is in control, and that it isn't over, he doesn't seem to get the reality of the situation.
IYSWIM - I hope that makes sense - I'm not as articulate as others on here.

akiram, you are

and him, in his bedsit in his pants watching "BabeStation"
Sadly I imagine that is what the majority of men just like him do actually end up doing!

yes, the freedom they chase

it kinda goes sour

hopefully, OP will have moved on by the time he realises he has made a fucking great big mistake

He's saying that because he thinks he is the only one that gets to say its over....pathetic! When he realises that he's not calling the shots anymore and that none of his pathetic games are going to get you back in line, that's when you really need to be on guard..

I don't know actually, he has been telling me for a long time that he doesn't love me or even like me but then always says oh I do really blah blah blah. Also he told me that he knew he had made a mistake marrying me from months in but I was pregnant so he had no choice but to stay. Also because he stayed I should just put up with infidelity and his treatment of me because he told me he wanted to leave and I pressured him to stay. I didn't think I did pressure him actually apart from showing how devastated I was. So in essence he stayed because I made him and now I should put up with the unhappiness that came after. However all this has been interspersed with "I do love you really" and lots "give me another chance". So I think I can be forgiven for not knowing what to believe.

Do you know I have never really put all this together like this before, mad as that sounds. This thread is making me see straight for the first time in years.

I am glad of that

I get very bad outbreaks of a skin condition sometimes and l hate going anywhere with my DH because l always feel like l am embarassing him if we meet people. It drives him mad tbh and one such day l was making excuses not to go out with him and getting all worked up trying to cover my problem skin with a trowel basically. l actually worked myself up into quite a state that day and even said l look like a monster (sorry but can be bit of a drama queen at times ). My DH puts his arms round me and said 'Suda you always look beautiful to me'. Thats because he loves me you see - sorry OP but your DH only loves himself by the sound of it - you deserve better.

It doesn't sound mad at all. It is good that you are seeing things straight. Now you can be one step ahead of him. You already know the bullshit he will come out with. When that doesn't work he will step it up a gear.
When he realises that he's not calling the shots anymore and that none of his pathetic games are going to get you back in line, that's when you really need to be on guard..

Read through this and am glad you've had clarity. Agree reality will bite him in the arse but hey ho Hope it works out well for you and dcs am sure it will though.

Remember you are not responsible for his happiness. Chances are in that he says you trapped him is him ret-conning past events to fit the reality he has constructed for himself. When he realises you are not playing any more and the first solicitors letter comes through watch out for the waterworks, bad acting them the bitterness and abuse.
Good luck OP hopefully this xmas should be just great without him

I agree with AF.
He doesn't deserve your presence.
Don't let him ruin your Christmas Day.
Make a stand.
Have a lovely day.

Please please please keep us updated. We are all rooting for you and wishing him terminal genital warts

Have been following this thread nonglam and my heart really goes out to you. The bit about him whistling and smiling as he left almost made me wretch as i have experienced exactly that in the past and its so damn cruel and induces such panic misery and stress. he is a nasty nasty nasty bastard.

And...bearing in mind that he is a nasty nasty nasty bastard, my guess he is going to be exactly that once he realises that you are dead serious about this marriage slavery being over.

As well as being steadfast in your resolve to end this now, you must be hard and steadfast too in making sure you really have kept all documentation re finances, his bank statements, any savings or investments etc.

I know you said that you already have this in hand due to attempts at separating before, but if he is a callous and devious shit, which he undoubtedly is, he may well have changed monies or put the house, say, in his name only since then. I might be wrong (and hope I am) as he might have been so bloody secure in feeling he really has got you so ground down you would never have the nerve to genuinely finish it that he hasn't bothered. But it is worth checking.

And yes, if you can serve divorce petition on him asap that's very very good and important. This week if possible. And be sure to spell out exactly on what grounds too - emotional and financial abuse and adultery for starters. Give many of the explanations that you have given in your posts here.

Tips for disengaging with his nasty criticisms and put-downs? Well do NOT return them in kind - do not be tempted or bothered to slate him back (it will all be spelled out in the divorce petition so there in black and white for all time.)

Keep utterly cool and calm in any dealings with him. Use delaying phrases if he starts threatening this or that - "I shall discuss that threat/statement with my solicitor"

Keep copies of all texts and emails.
Smile witheringly at him if you have to see him.

Sorry this is long. You sound amazing. Life is going to get soooooooo much better, happier and fun for you! Happy Christmas.

I don't think he's going to have an attack of the vapours and any 'What have I done?' moments anytime soon. I think there's a reason why he is so calm and collected about the dissolution of his marriage via E mail.

I think the reason for that might be in human form and that she was at that airport that day. Having probably fed her a load of BS that he was married in name only and that he and his wife lead separate lives, it would have looked very suspicious to see a doting wife who cared enough to drive him to the airport and to come inside to say farewell.

I think it had bugger all to do with your physical appearance and that this was a cruel red herring.

Thank goodness though, because his behaviour finally made you see the light and realise that you needed to get rid of what sounds like a cruel and manipulative shit of a man.

I think if you proceed on the basis that he is having yet another affair, this will help you to cut him no slack at all when he comes home. I wouldn't even want him in the house on Christmas Day, personally.

I think he very much enjoys playing games with your head and emotions, from the way you have described things, I think he might really revel in your hurt. IMO, I think you need to take this control away from him, even if you are dying inside, do not show it to him because its all part of a game in his world.

When you are feeling very low, just think that you will now have the freedom to find somebody who really loves and appreciates you, imagine how nice your new life will be. It may be a bit of fantasy at the moment but I think some positive visualisation would really help you right now. If nothing else, you'll be free to enjoy your children and family life without him dragging you down all the time.

I would echo others that it would be good to exclude him over the festive period, I think he will use the time to hurt and control you, maybe via the kids. Just say you need some 'space'. Your DS will see him soon enough. Christmas will probably be a whole lot more enjoyable for you and the kids without him, I bet you would create a lovely day for them entirely off your own back.

nonglam I don't have any advice to add, but wanted to say that I think you're doing an amazing job of seeing through all the years of bullshit and systematic battering of your self-esteem.

glamorous

I know you said you had everything lined up from before, so forgive me if this is teaching you to suck eggs but... he almost certainly will play dirty once finances are involved so stand firm & make sure you have all the documentation you need before he returns.

Take copies of anything that proves his income,pensions, any savings plans, shares etc as he will "hide" these. While you are intitled to half of everything he will do his best to reduce the "pot" so it's a smaller half I can bet.

If you have a joint credit card or account make sure all the household bills are cleared & the mortgage payments up to date. Take money from the joint account to clear your personal debts ,if any, so you have a clean slate.

Sounds drastic but I remember my solicitor saying that often DH's who are initially resonable turn nasty when you get to the finances,especially pensions.

For your DC's you need to have your ducks in a row.

Good luck- keep posting

oops sorry already had that advice !

OP, I had EXACTLY the relationship you describe with my ex-husband and father of my kids. He eventually left me for another woman which was terrible as for some weird reason I loved him passionately.

But I am sooo much happier without him, and enjoy my children and my life so much more. I have a career now (I certainly wouldn't have had the confidence to have one while I was with him as he always told me I was shit at everything), and have had nice relationship with a lovely man who treated me well (and it was my decision to end it cos I just wasn't in love).

All I want to say is that you are doing the right thing- it is MUCH better to be on your own than to be with a man who doesn't love you and undermines you and dislikes you. I admire your strength in making the decision to let go- I wish I'd done it. Let's not be too hard on the guy- he is being a wanker, yes, but I'm sure he's unhappy too. What you're doing will be for the good of all if you can all just stay cool and exercise a bit of self-control and not be wifully vindictive. Good luck. Enjoy Christmas with your kids. x

Well he is back, I did not pick him up. We have exchanged a few words about practicalities to do with the kids. He told me my hair looked nice, yeah thanks, not so much about three weeks ago though!? He has been doing stuff with them at one end of the house and me at the other. I took a tip from another thread on here about NPD, not that I know for sure that he has that, but it said when dealing with him not to make eye contact with him and keep my body angled away to deny attention. I don't know how it makes him feel but it certainly helps me feel in control.

I feel fine actually, relieved if anything. I am out for the afternoon so he can spend time with the dc and then is off to the place he is staying at. He did not come straight here this morning, he had dropped his suitcase off and showered so make of that what you will. Whatever it is, its fine by me as long as he stays out of my face and doesn't start his nonsense of trying to get a reaction by making blaming, incendiary comments.

How on earth did I not see how OVER this was before now? I feel really angry with myself.

Oh love, we all feel like that. Forgive yourself, it will pass. (((Hug)))