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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
kerrymumbles · 15/12/2011 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 23:53

It's the repeated assaults that show a problem. And the fact that she reckons she is entitled to do it again - 'Waah, I can't control myself and I shouldn't have to! Because he's breached monogamy so it's OK if I beat him up and kill him.'

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:55

As I said earlier, personally my biggest concern is what OP does now

Getting your anger out with a bit of ineffectual chest pummelling is one thing

But if you take him back...

He will have got off very lightly indeed

thunderboltsandlightning · 15/12/2011 23:56

He breached her trust and tore up her family SolidGold.

You may not want monogamy for yourself, but people who promise it to others and accept their love and care (and physical sacrifice in the OP's case) on the basis of monogamy have no right to breach it and then lie about it.

The repeated assaults say to me that this guy should have got the hell away. Why did sowhat have to leave? She wasn't the unfaithful, lying, emotionally abusive bastard. He was. But he got to stay in their home with their children.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 15/12/2011 23:58

She is NOT a husband beater. Wind your neck in bruxeur. I dont know what sort of stupid point you are trying to make.

Her world crashed down around her ears. Her family is shattered as lightning struck, when the OW rang her husbands phone. She says herself she is small and not strong.

This is really trying to railroad the thread away from the point.

What should the op do next to safeguard her family and her children.

bruxeur · 16/12/2011 00:03

This is pretty depressing reading overall, for many reasons.

However I am interested by the idea that there should be a Larry King style weigh-in before any planned DV, just so we know when it's allowable - and perhaps AF should write a manual of marital/martial arts, which details the ways in which women assault men (ineffectual) and vice versa (brutal).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 00:03

Of course there are always derailers who want to jump all over a woman's distress to make a point about female violence towards men

Any bandwagon and all that...

JarethTheGoblinKing · 16/12/2011 00:04

I repeatedly hit DP when he accused me not only of cheating but that DS wasn't his. There was no reason for him to think that other than his own paranoia.

I am not abusive, I didn't hurt him. He agrees that it was understandable behaviour. Meh.

thunderboltsandlightning · 16/12/2011 00:05

Why are you sneering at the size differentials between men and women bruxeur and what that means with regards to physical violence?

In boxing the size differences are clearly marked because a heavyweight could slaughter a flyweight. Other way round - not so much.

Do you understand the term "a fair fight"?

bruxeur · 16/12/2011 00:07

Either you believe the OP or you don't, Quint. She tells us she did and we have to proceed on that basis, or what's the point?

bruxeur · 16/12/2011 00:09

Some terrifyingly 1950s beliefs about gender and DV on here tonight. I'll leave the apologists to it. Enjoy your bubble.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 16/12/2011 00:10

Yes, but come on. Even if I am the same height (almost) as my husband, if I were to pummel his chest, it would like a tickle, or an annoying wasp, if he were to do the same to me, well, I would be pulp. I am surprised you dont see that.

The motivation however, is the same. And I disagree with violent motivations.
But if you strike somebody and you know they are not going to be hurt, as opposed to knowing you are pulping them, it is different.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 00:11

The unrealistic one is you, bruxeur

Don't slip off that soapbox now will you ?

QuintessentiallyFestive · 16/12/2011 00:12

And to continue on that, If I were to try to pummel my dh, he would be able to restrain me really quickly and hold my hands in a very firm grip.

Not that I have tested this, we are not violent to one another. But I know his strength, and I know mine (or should I say lack thereof)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 00:12

and to repeat, for the hard of understanding, no-one has condoned the violence, least of all OP

thunderboltsandlightning · 16/12/2011 00:13

I'm really sorry you're in this position SoWhat, it must be devastating. Please don't hide what happened from people around you. Get yourself some support.

GossipWitch · 16/12/2011 00:22

OP just so you know, when i found out that my shitbag ex was cheating on me with my young cousin i thumped his head til he woke up, then punched him in the face, however anyone who knows me will say that i am the most laid back person they've met.

A shock like this can bring out the worst in you, kick him out tell your family, you never know they may even help you with dinner.

trulyscrumptious43 · 16/12/2011 00:52

OP I also want to tell you, when I found out my DP had been cheating (2 mums on the school run told me, how delightful!) I went round to the OW's house and told her uncaterogically that I could kill her with my bare hands. I didn't touch her, she was holding a baby at the time, but she seemed to understand my point of view and looked very scared. I would have hit DP if he had been anywhere near me during the following week and I could have caught him.
There you go, let's come out of the closet!

BayPolar · 16/12/2011 00:57

Oh do stop your pontificating, Bubble.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/12/2011 01:19

It seems to me that whenever MN gets an outing in the media lots of wankers "outraged" blokes sign up under daft names and start stirring.

Why can't they go on Dadsnet if they need help?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/12/2011 01:20

Iam going to unsign as UA and come back on as OutragedBloke...hang on OP..

OutragedBloke · 16/12/2011 01:24

Not sure about this.

moonferret · 16/12/2011 02:47

You shouldn't have taken his phone from under his pillow, it was clearly hidden there for a reason, and certainly shouldn't have answered it. And the fact that she told you straight up they'd "had sex" sounds very odd. You shouldn't have committed domestic violence, even more so in the presence of a child, and then twice more the next day, again in the presence of children! Nor should you lock him out of his own home. You're "only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage" are you?...sounds very nasty indeed. And you "don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him"...disgusting!
Then you go on to say that you got married and had another child after strongly suspecting him of a previous affair. Why?
Your behaviour is reprehensible all round, absolutely outrageous.

moonferret · 16/12/2011 02:53

And then you ask people opposed to domestic violence, "i wonder would you fight physically to protect your family or if you were suddenly under attack?". You WERE NOT under attack, what an absurd point!

Millicano · 16/12/2011 04:57

Poor OP. Hope you are ok.

Oh, and I think I would have given my dh a pummelling if i were in the same situation.

OP was shocked and very hurt. Up until that point had been planning a lovely family christmas feeling that her very young children were being raised in a secure home, and suddenly the whole marriage is blown open. The shock must have been immense, the horror of what will happen to the family now would have set in. All those emotions running round, I am not in the least surprised she did what she did.

Until we have actually been in that same situation, we cannot judge what we would or would not really do. We can only presume our reactions.