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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 05:28

Right. ORDER!!!!

Can we all agree on a few points?

  1. There is a difference between a serial beater/abuser who gets kicks from instilling fear into their partner and thrives on the power and control that fear gives them, and on the other hand, someone who uncharacteristically loses control and becomes violent due to extreme stress and genuine provocation. These differences apply just the same whether the victim/perpetrator is male or female. Once you overstep the mark and allow the loss of control to happen two or more times over a reasonable period of time (not in the space of a few hours like the OP) then you must accept that you have lost your right to claim the 'out of character and emotionally distraught' label and you are, in fact, a serial abuser who thrives on the power.

  2. Whilst we cannot condone the loss of control in the second type of scenarior we can at least understand it - to a point. Not to the point of murder or hospitalisation, but up to a point. To understand is not to condone.

  3. Whilst we should never excuse woman on man violence, or try to make it irrelevant or a non-issue, in MOST cases a woman is likely to less damage to a man just with her bare hands than the other way around. In the same way that an adult is likely to do more damage to a child than the other way around. Again, this is not to trivialise or condone, just to acknowledge.

  4. There does seem to be an irratating double standard on MN (and in society generally) and I agree with whilst I think she is being a bit belligerent on this thread, I must agree with Bruxeur that we do seem to 'struggle with having men and women held to the same standards' on this issue.

  5. If the OP had been a man, whilst I would have feared for the partner's safety much much more (because the likelihood is that the physical damage would have been greater) I would not necessarily be rushing to dump him in the same category as someone who systematically beats and abuses his wife and/or children on a regular basis, as some warped kind of hobby. I would hope that he would be able to recognise that he had done a terrible, unforgivable thing, and that he would work towards making sure it never happened again, just as the OP will be doing now. Of course under the OP's circumstances, it is easy to make sure it never happens again, by kicking the bastard out.

  6. I do think there a lots and lots of people who have experienced something like this in their relationship ONCE, in times of great stress, and it has given both parties a wake up call, forgiveness had taken place, and the relationship has healed, and continued to be healthy/respectful as it was before the incident. It can happen.

  7. If the OP had been a man and the story had been the same, (in that the adulterer got a few light slaps and a bit of pushing and shoving - not full-on closed fist punches, which would always be unforgivable on someone smaller/weaker than yourself)) whilst he would deserve to be given a very rough ride for what he did, I would hope/expect a tiny bit of empathy and understanding shown to him, just as it is being shown to the OP. I doubt he'd find it here though....

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 05:31
PosiesofPoinsettia · 16/12/2011 07:19

I'm genuinely wondering how cold my blood would be 12 hours on, if the father of my children and the love of my life had cheated on me..... I think it would take me a loooooooooooooooooooong time to calm down.

I think society accepts that in a fury of betrayal people do shit they shouldn't do. Especially when a woman is much smaller than the man we accept a one off as understandable, but not 'right'.

BayPolar · 16/12/2011 07:31

People have really taken this too far and missed the main point - which isn't that the OP is planning to off her husband, but that she is upset and has removed herself from her home, and needs all the support she can get at this time..instead of going off on this damn tangent, in a way that is patronising to both the poster, and those of us who understand that betrayal of this immensity sometimes deserves a slap or two.

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 16/12/2011 07:50

I've only lurked so far, but I remember the boiling rage when I realised my then H, wasn't on a retreat but abroad and with a woman (although my word he lied and lied to try and wriggle out of it) I couldn't be there when he got home. I moved me and the children out. I was afraid of what I might do, or how I'd react on his return. I think in the OP's situation, if he'd been there I'd have been hard pressed not to wallop him ( ineffectually no doubt) with the adrenaline and shock.

Thinking of you OP

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 16/12/2011 08:18

How are you feeling today OP? Where are you and the DC? And where is your husband?

longgroan · 16/12/2011 08:47

well i didn't sleep well, i just feel exhausted and sick still
i am still at a friends, who i have told the whole saga to. she is as shocked as me. it seems unbelievable my dh could do this. it really has helped to talk. to all of you out there too
i haven't told my ds anything, he's not feeling well today either
i have to go home today, dh has been home with the kids. i have spoke to him on the phone about practical things for the kids and said good night to them etc.
he has tried the whole 'you can't just run away from me, we need to talk/ i know you're angry but how can we sort this out if we don't talk' i can only swear in response at the moment and have sent a couple of texts
i've told him that i'm still shocked and upset and angry but already starting to accept our marriage is over. he doesn't seem to take this seriously.
it seems quite clear, a drunken single incident could 'possibly' be one day 'accepted?' / forgiven?/ hidden and buried? but anything more is impossible. and he has gone further
its really hard to get my head around, a couple of days ago i was sorted. happily married. all my efforts rewarded. life was going to plan. i had a plan and now it's all been shat upon
my life and my kids is going to be turned upside down
i still haven't decided what to do about the family. they're not really my support network anyway. we live in a holiday location and this trip is a big deal for them, a lot of planning has gone into it and i can't start to think of telling them what has happened but they will see something has ocurred if they're observant. i'd really prefer to just get them out of the way and then to sort out all the practicalities with dh

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 16/12/2011 08:52

i'd really prefer to just get them out of the way and then to sort out all the practicalities with dh

If that is what you want, then that is what you should do.

You do not owe anyone a holiday, and in this time of great stress for you, your needs come first.

Take care of yourself.

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 08:55

Could you not just kick out your H and have your family around you anyway? Let him be the one to worry about how his Christmas will pan out, and where he will spend it. You can still have your family around you if you think you are able to cope with it. It may help actually, to have the support, and the distraction. That way it can go by in a busy blur, rather than having you feeling really shit, all by yourself, or trying to pretend with H for the sake of the children. I'm sure you will be forgiven for it not being the jolliest Christmas your family ever had! Smile

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 08:57

Sorry, crossed posts. If that is how you feel then you must do whatever you are comfortable with. But do not delay seeing them or fob them off out of a sense of shame. this is not your fault.

longgroan · 16/12/2011 08:57

ITS ME! i namechanged but forgot i'd no longer be in a green box..maybe i should start a new thread

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 09:01

Don't worry - we realise it's you. Anyway if any frothing berserkers are scanning the thread just so they can come back and berate you they will miss it this way! Only change back if you are using this name for other threads and you don't want it to link back. Or go to OTBT. Smile

longgroan · 16/12/2011 09:11

it's crazy that those loons were so mean, it's one thing to take a stance against any violence of any sort but another to say that i deserve to be cheated on.

Northernlurker · 16/12/2011 09:11

I think you already have this massive stress of your cheating dh. I don't think you need the stress of trying to keep things together for your family. Why not take your friend over with you to see h. Tell him you can't be in the same space as him. I see no reason why you should be apart from your dcs any longer so he should leave for a bit. Then contact your family and tell them what's happened and have the best time you can with the kids for Christmas. In the New Year you can see how you feel about everything. There is no reason to conceal what has happened.

fiventhree · 16/12/2011 09:16

Op, I do hope you have managed to tell your son. What has been happening to you over the last day or so? Where are you in your thinking with this.

(By the way, when I found out my h of 20 years had spent 5 years having cybersex with other women, and that most of them were young, and some even 18, we talked over the issue calmly for days, and then in the middle of the night after 2 weeks I woke up, had a ten minute blue fit, and belted him hard in the chest whilst screaming obscenities at him. Oh, and he has a disabling illness, so call the police!!!)

Pantofino · 16/12/2011 09:27

"You shouldn't have taken his phone from under his pillow, it was clearly hidden there for a reason, Hmm and certainly shouldn't have answered it"
WTAF?

Northernlurker · 16/12/2011 09:31

Yes I'm pretty flabbergasted by that one too. So is it ok for husbands to conceal their phones lest their cheating be found out? How about they try not cheating in the first place!

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 09:32

Yes, Panto WFT indeed!

DisTwinkleyMincePies · 16/12/2011 09:36

I know Pantofino. It bloody amazes me that people think they have the right to come onto a thread like this and lay the law down.

lg I hope that the morning has brought a degree of calm - you are going through so much at the moment I'm amazed you can be lucid on here!

I can only repeat that I would definitely tell your son - he could be such a comfort to you.

bubblechristmaspop · 16/12/2011 10:05

Why are you considering having him around at Christmas when you can't guarantee no more violence infront of the kids?

It's a genuine question. If people could actually stop the loony insults and bun fighting for one minute. As its pointless. I can only see one side picking fights right now.

He had an affair, kick him out get the family around. As if there is more violence around the kids it will be them that suffer and ultimately you, if he reports you.

I'm gobsmacked you and people who profess to care for you aren't being clearer about that.

Get him to go and work through it in your own time.

RoxyRobin · 16/12/2011 10:18

I had previously thought that if I were in a desperate state and for some reason had no-one in RL available to turn to I could always unburden myself on mn. After reading through this thread, however, and despite all the supportive posts of AF et al, I've come to the conclusion that I'd chew my fingers off before I subjected myself to such a trial.

Who do these posters think they are, kicking someone's misery round like a football? One of these fine days some desperate woman could be tipped over the edge by this sort of treatment.

OP, when my friend's children were 12, 10 and 8 her husband announced three weeks before Christmas that he was leaving them to move in with a woman he'd been having an affair with for months. She'd had no idea, and was devastated. That Christmas was dreadful for them. This Christmas, twenty years later, she is off to stay with her eldest daughter who has just produced her fourth baby, and my friend is going to have a delightful time. What I'm trying to say is that this Christmas will be shit, your DH is shit, but all things must pass. You have a future with your children to look forward to - just a different one to the one you expected.

I wish you the best of luck for the New Year x

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/12/2011 11:08

hi LG

dont worry about the name change thing...

i understand totally that you feel you want to get xmas 'over with', but i think you will find it impossibly hard to hold it together....
really think about it
i think you should ask your DH to move out over xmas, i dont think you should put yourself under such stress at what it already a stressful time of year.

please do think about it, for your sanity.

i wouldnt meet with your dh - i would tell him over the phone that you would like him gone by the time you get home.
it gives you breathing space.

stevies · 16/12/2011 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

stevies · 16/12/2011 12:10

What would happen if this happens again, or if someone hurts/angers/upsets you in any way. Say there was a knife lying next to you. What on earth would you do

Millicano · 16/12/2011 12:18

oh shut up stevies, we have been through all of that and moved on.

Do you think you are being helpful?