Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:56

no problem op

you sound like you can withstand this daftness, so i will check back tomorrow too.
but in any event i would begin a new thread, under a new name.

try and get some sleep tonight.

toptramp · 15/12/2011 22:56

Actually op- I would have beat him too and I am a pacifist! What an absolute knob! I would beat him for you if I could.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:58

when and if you do a new thread - pm me, so i know who you are.

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 22:58

tt - you're a really shit pacifist, or you really don't know what a pacifist is.

TheLastNameLeft · 15/12/2011 22:59

Hope you sleep well tonight OP

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:00

count me in too, OP

DisTwinkleyMincePies · 15/12/2011 23:02

Before I went to bed last night (in Australia) I reported this thread to MNHQ. I asked them to keep an eye on it because I was worried that exactly this ^ would happen.

It's not about condoning violence. I don't think anyone has said 'yeah, go back and wallop him some more'. No, I haven't found out my dh has cheated on me, but there but for the grace of god...

OP, please tell your son. If he is at uni he is old enough to know. He'll probably be hurt and insulted that you haven't already told him when he does eventually find out.

Please don't take him back. Remember that your daughters (and your son) look to you as their role model. Channel that hatred elsewhere and take care of yourself. xx

toptramp · 15/12/2011 23:04

I am a shit pacifisct but then the op has a shit husband.
I think too many people are reading too much into her reaction. I hit my ex once. It wasn't at all hard but I feel it was justified; he tried to force me to have an abortion which I didn't want. I don't think the op is a husband beater. OP; I really hope you sort it out. Take care.

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 23:08

She is a husband beater - she beat her husband. Three times. In front of her child.

But apparently she was a bit upset and he deserved it and anyway he's bigger than her, so it's OK.

Anyone who tries to claim that a male poster would have had the same response to this thread is either too stupid to be allowed online alone, or knows they're lying.

Nospringflower · 15/12/2011 23:14

I have just read this and although I think Bubble is maybe quite forthright in her views I do think she is right to be concerned and to keep asserting these concerns. I do also think that he OP seems to be taking these on board. I too believe that no matter how provoked you are its not right to hit someone. Its doubly not right for your children to see this, and for it to be your partner is even more not right (not sure how many times).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:15

This isn't a male poster

I don't give a shit about the fucking menz

Constantly turning the genders around all over MN is getting a bit old now

and a bit tedious

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 23:19

Stupid then?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:23

I leave that to your conscience, bruxeur

springydaffs · 15/12/2011 23:26

oh lay off, it's totally absurd to call the OP a husband beater. Start a thread about 'husband beating' if you must, bang your drum somewhere else - this woman is in enough pain already without you pitching in to debate ffs.

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 23:26

It's just that you seem to be struggling with the idea of men and women being held to the same standards on a parenting website. And trite little memes that sound cool and stop you having to think about what you're actually saying is a bit simple, isn't it?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:29

I have no struggle

My compassion radar is fully functional

how is yours ?

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 23:31

Balanced.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:34

yup

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 23:38

AF is not stupid, a realist perhaps.

the fact is that the op did not hurt her husband. yes she went for him.
yes it was wrong.
what has happened to empathy?
she is slightly built and caused him no harm.
had the tables been turned the possibility for him causing her harm increases, if he is a bigger and stronger than her. thats just physics.
i am not in any way condoning violence, and i have never ever hit another person, ever.
nor has my DH.

but you have to look at the facts and the circumstances and you have to get some perspective, and people react in different ways, not always good, not always right.

it s done.

if the ops DH was in fear, hurt, he could have reported the op.
he didnt.
he didnt need to.
where is the room for people to be people, to make mistakes, for human error and human emotion?

its so easy to sit and judge others.

ive learned its not so easy to deal with these situations, because there is always 2 sides to a story.

the op has asked for help, by the very nature of posting here. Does there have to be an inquiry?
because you are defending a person who could defend himself, who could have taken any number of actions, who could have phoned the police and had her arrested, but didnt. clearly the OPs husband does not need your concern any more than her children do.

this is a loving wife and mother who made sacrifices for a family that has just been torn apart.

she reacted badly.

she knows.

people do fuck up in times of extreme stress. its not right, but it is human.

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 23:45

Vicar, I completely agree - there are always two sides to a story. He shouldn't fuck other women, and she shouldn't hit him. Or expose her children to violence. Or do it again the next morning, in cold blood.

Pretty much deserve each other tbh.

kerrymumbles · 15/12/2011 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kerrymumbles · 15/12/2011 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 23:49

at the risk of sounding as simplistic as bruxeur ..... he started it

I doubt if he had remained a decent husband, she would have ineffectually pummelled his chest

TwoIfBySea · 15/12/2011 23:51

sowhat unlike some here I can understand your feelings entirely. When my ex-h did this to me and my sons it was like he had completely ripped up everything we had and our future over some stupid lassie at work who was too easy and far too eager to get with a useless article who she knew was married.

It took me weeks to get back to some kind of normal, I just wanted to scream at him, I really wanted to hurt him and let him feel the pain he had caused me. The only thing that stopped me was that I was the only one thinking of my dts who were only 5 1/2 at the time.

Advice: start sorting yourself out. Never mind him, he has made his choices. Get Christmas over with for your little dcs and your older ds, make the most of it with just you. The others, will they support you? If so then let them come and take over, sit back, cry, do whatever you need to get this out of your system.

If you can get support take it. I had to struggle through myself and at times I thought it was the end of me but for the fact I had dts and therefore couldn't act silly beggars for their sake. I wish I had someone, anyone to help.

As it stands, 4 1/2 years later, I've been off for the past 6 months after completely burning out. Never have I known fatigue like it. So take all the help that is offered because trying to smile and pretend everything is ok while you are completely alone is horrible.

Remember you have not ruined Christmas, he has but for himself. You need to start thinking about you and your family now.

thunderboltsandlightning · 15/12/2011 23:51

I hope you go back to your house and kick your dh out OP.

I think the violence shows that you're defending your vicinity from him - in other words he shouldn't be anywhere near you or your family.

What do you plan to do now?