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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:41

Nope I'm concerned about the children with ops frame of mind.

She can't guarantee she won't do it again. She isn't fussed if the kids remember. What normal person wouldn't be concerned with subjecting a child to that.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:42

Af. Actually my posts in this thread were actually originally about ops welfare. Not my problem the pro violence brigade wanted a by fight and still fail to address the risk to the kids.

They aren't helping op.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 22:42

bubble et al, i must sleep but i have to ask.

what is it you want?

do you want me to hand my children in to the nearest police station tomorrow, and explain i hit my husband and should be locked up indefinitely?

he is really not at all injured and i'm going to explain to my girls that i was very wrong to behave like that

believe me i was shocked and surprised and frightened by my own reaction and i repeat i left as soon as possible and have not yet returned

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 22:43

Not many people at all are helping the OP here

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 22:45

There is NO pro violence brigade. It's a figment of your fevered mind bubble

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:45

im sure that the op s children do not need your concern bubble.

there hundreds of abused children out there, the ops do not strike me as falling into that category, you are being quite ridiculous and i suspect you are quite young and idealistic,
but not altogether realistic.

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:45

Op's world has been turned upside down and all you crap on about is the damage this isolated episode may have on the children. Not the effect the break up of the marriage may have on both the OP and her dc's.

Have a fucking heart.

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:46

How will you get through the next few days, OP?

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:46

No op. I think for your own good and your dcs. Stay away from him, get him out whatever. Until you calm down and no you won't lash out.

Please as you'll lose out. Which actually I really don't want,

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 22:46

last hi to AF, its true your last point. i realised that today that as horrible and uncertain as this new future alone might be at least it doesn't have the constant fear of this happening again and again. nothing can return life to normal. very sad but i'm going to have to get used to this

OP posts:
saggarmakersbottomknocker · 15/12/2011 22:46

Bubble - Have you heard the term dog with a bone?

You've made your point, do you actually have anything constructive to add?

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:46

X post AF

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:46

*know

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:47

OP

im going to ignore bubble from now on.

maybe if we all ignore her she will go away.

the op does not need to be explaining/defending her position, but is in need of an ear, some advice and some support - so i will busy myself in that instead of arguing with someone who has their head in the clouds.

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:48

Just plan the next week, then the next. Get your finances in order too. Whilst he feels guilty get money sorted.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:49

Vicar grow up.

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:49

And yes get him out of your house, even if you end up forgiving him (which you may). Make him think this will NEVER happen and he'll never be able to come back.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 22:50

OP please come back on a new thread, if not tonight, tomorrow or soon

Mumsnet can help you, you know that

Take care of yourself, and again, I am so sorry

trulyscrumptious43 · 15/12/2011 22:50

Bye bye bubble
Close the door on the way out.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:50

i think i would make one of those free appointments with a lawyer- they do a free half hour usually.

first things first though.

i would tell your family
i would ask him to be gone by the time i get back to the house. you children need stability right now - he should go, not you.

then you have some breathing space to decide on your next move.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 22:52

thanks vicar and all, you have no idea how much calmer and stronger i feel after reading all your posts.
i do of course appreciate even a loony's concern for my children too Xmas Grin

im going to try to sleep and will check back again tomorrow, cheers all

OP posts:
SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 22:53

This is from the OP's first post: 'in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. '
That's why quite a few people are not feeling that sympathetic towards her. This wasn't lashing out just once in the heat of the moment, this was repeated assault.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:53

Erm no scrumptious. Still wanting to fight eh? Op asked me a question I answered as per my original response before people like you started bun fighting.

For ops own sake she needs him out, with help until she calms down. As she is the one who could suffer more here. Why is that so hard to understand?

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:53

Free on behalf of the dc's....not for us women anymore, shit isn't it?

Xales · 15/12/2011 22:56

OP you haven't fucked anything up. I am sure your family will love you and be totally supportive of whatever you decide to do if you let them know what is happening. You call all have the special Christmas still with out your H present.

Bottling it up, playing happy families until they are gone is going to mess with your emotional and mental health. It is also better not to risk that you may lose your temper in front of everyone through frustration and anger at Christmas.

I actually agree with bubble.

Until the OP is sure that when she next sees her H she will not fly 'into a ballistic rage and want to kill him' then she should not arrange to meet him with the children present.

Leave them somewhere they will not see this.

It only takes an accidental back swing of her hand/fist while in a rage to catch one of her children and her child could be hurt, she will feel dreadful and her H could jump straight onto the police/SS for her risking her children.

This is not what the children or OP need at all.