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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H has capped my household spending.

424 replies

carla · 07/01/2006 22:48

Message deleted

OP posts:
starlover · 08/01/2006 00:20

yeah well i have £113 to spend every month

i want £1200!

carla · 08/01/2006 00:20

Message deleted

OP posts:
CarlasHusband · 08/01/2006 00:22

Watch it or I'll cut your bill to £1000!

KateMossinredredskinnypants · 08/01/2006 00:22

I think Carla has got good reason to complain.
My exh used to curb my spending all the time, and used a code to lock the phone. I unlocked the phone whenver I felt like it, found the number in his wallet, DUH!
He did it just to get at me. Whenever we had an arguement, or if I hadn't cooked enough, fecker!
Once he set limits of decreasing amounts for three months, then I found out he wanted to go on hols with tart on the side.
Find out the reason Carla.
[hugs]

starlover · 08/01/2006 00:23

well from what i've heard on here carla needs to divorce him pdq!

but then... maybe the money is what's keeping her there!

starlover · 08/01/2006 00:24

sorry, i apologise for that post. it was uncalled for, and none of my business anyway

KateMossinredredskinnypants · 08/01/2006 00:24

oooh, after I found out about hols, I took money out of his account, and spent it on shopping spree!

KateMossinredredskinnypants · 08/01/2006 00:25

Who cares?
It was money that kept me there for eight or nine years!
Soon got sick of it though!

QueenVictoria · 08/01/2006 00:55

This has been an utterly confusing thread to read. But i understand why Carla is peeved.

Its not the money, (so perhaps in hindsight it would have been better not to give figures but hey ho) its the principal. And that he is limiting what she is spending but wont say what he has or hasnt got. They live together etc, so things should be shared equally IMO.

lockets · 08/01/2006 00:59

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lockets · 08/01/2006 01:00

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flutterbee · 08/01/2006 01:06

I posted this at 11.23 and still have had no answer is ut possible to get a reply now or am I just being ignored

Carla sorry if I sounded harsh, but your post did come accross as if you wanted sympathy and I don't think you will get it with the kind of figures you have to play with.

I don't actually think that you are angry with him because he has capped yuor spending to X amount I think you are angry at him because he has capped your spending at all. IYSWIM

Take a step back and think is it the amount that bothers you (I'm sure you can work with £1200 no matter what you used to) or is it the fact he has done it

flutterbee · 08/01/2006 01:09

I wrote this earlier too, I thought it was quite funny so I though I would post it again,

Your more than welcome to swap places with me my DH doesn't cap my spending at all, he lets me spend the full £10 we have spare every month on anything I want

I told DH what I had written and he has said because of my cheek he's capping me at £5 a month

Do you think this is fair?????

Mytwopenceworth · 08/01/2006 01:13

my head hurts.

Agree with QV. Forget about the money, the amount you are talking about doesn't matter. It is being dictated to in what should be a partnership that is out of order. In that respect you have my support(sadly, not worth squat in helping your problem m'dear, but there all the same!).

I will be very open and say that my knee jerk reaction was to post something 'funny' (ahem), then realised I had a big bunch of sour grapes wedged firmly up my ass and I am very jealous in my poverty of anyone who has the funds to live it up!

Your husband is treating you like a naughty child and needs to be reminded that is not how a marriage works. If he has financial concerns he should discuss them with you, sharing all information and you can work something out together.

colditz · 08/01/2006 01:43

But I have to add here, TPW, that we have no idea how Carla's behavior has been with money!

Imagine the scenario. Woman and dp between them have 1200 per month. Woman turns around one day and says "You may have £40 per week, and £20 of that must go to your mother to pay off an old debt to her. The rest is yours. If you get into debt, I will not pay for you. Oh, and I'm not going to give you the slightest clue of what we do have."

The woman looks like a tyrant, a harridan!

But what you don't know is the 3 years history behind the capping.

What you haven't seen is the bailiffs turning up, because the bills have not been paid. Why? The man usually pays them, and he put the money in fruit machines instead.

Or, DD's bouncing, 3 times a month, costing £100 (nearly 10% of the entire income!) in bank charges, because the man withdrew every penny in the account. To put in fruit machines.

The housing officer turning up on the door, demanding to know why the rent hadn't been paid for 8 weeks. You didn't see that either.

They have seperate bank accounts, but the woman is left to find money for food, clothes, holidays, a new tumble dryer, furniture, an impending baby, shoes for toddler. She has an income half his, outgoings twice his, they are his children, but he doesn't contribute, simply because he has spent it all on what he wants.

Would you then blame that woman for capping the expenditure?

What I am saying is, if Carla's husband has been treated like this for the past three years, can we then condemn him for demanding an end to it? His income may be very high, he may be acting unfairly, but then again his income may be quite low. He may have been struggling to keep up with someone who spends money like water.

Mytwopenceworth · 08/01/2006 02:01

possibly. I still think it is unreasonable to dictate instead of discussing it. She says it came from the blue, so there haven't been any previous financial discussions, negotionations or agreements. Such extreme action could only (possibly) be justified after all other options have been tried - starting with explanation and discussion!!!!!

In your scenario are you saying that the woman would not have first tried to sit her partner down and express her concerns, try to discuss the financial situation, try to get her partner to control his spending BEFORE resorting to such drastic measures? Would she have stayed silent on the subject for 3 years then taken this action without explanation?

ZebraInCA · 08/01/2006 05:15

Gosh, I think 1200/month is plenty for food, utility bills, clothes & ordinary days out (wouldn't cover holidays away from home, probably).
Which means Carla should be able to pay her tax bill out of her own income.
Sounds like a symptom of a bigger problem inthe relationship, though.

Pruni · 08/01/2006 08:12

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WideWebWitch · 08/01/2006 08:38

Well, I've just read this thread and I'm none the wiser either. Carla, it's extremely unclear what your housing and other financial arrangements are and so it's almost impossible to comment. Except that my view is that a relationship ought to be a partnership and this doesn't sound in the spirit of partnership.

I don't think £1.2k sounds that huge an amount a month if it has to cover all bills including council tax (ours is over £150 a month, Carla's is £300 for all we know!) plus food, clothes, transport (including running a car or travel to work - my petrol is £400 a month atm so would take a substantial chunk of that, a third in fact) but Carla hasn't told us what it has to cover. Carla, you talk about charging him rent, so are we to assume you have no rent or mortgage costs or that you have a house in your sole name? And are you married? In which case there is no such thing as his and hers really, they are all joint marital assets including any house. Was it yours before you got together? Until you are clear about these things no-one here can help you. I'm perfectly prepared to consider that your husband might be unreasonable but only if you give us some more information!

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 08:44

This is quite a thread. When I explaned it to dh his face was a picture. I don't think he realises quite how cheap I am to 'run'

LadySherlockofLGJ · 08/01/2006 08:56

I havent read it yet MB, but I have just told DH to consider himself lucky, I run on red wine and respect.

hercules · 08/01/2006 09:27

Just read this and sorry but I think Carla is taking the piss. To me, it seems she has in her posts set out to confuse. To me it also seems that this money is purely for luxeries and her dh has had to put a limit after money going unecessarily on nothing.

Until you say otherwise, what else are we left to think?

munz · 08/01/2006 09:51

ok in the am I still don't understand this! but one post has struck a chord,

carla - u said a while back ur DP was going onto dating sites (or something to the effect of)- I'm sure it was u, (forgive me if it wasn't thou), i'd be slightly worried if he's capped your spending so as to 'free' up more cash to spend with any of these women if he should be meeting them - prob barking up the complete wrong tree but there's that point. it's a tad unfair that he is now saying after xmas he's gonna cap ur limit esp if u've spent £5K on stuff over the xmas period and he's only going to pay £1200 of it - can u afford to pay the rest off? I think you really need to find out his earnings.

still confused as to what bill's he pays for and what bills u pay for.

the option of one account maybe more benificial - get one account, work out the bills pay those out DD and then split the rest between you evenly into pte accounts, and basically if u run out of money/over spend it's tough as u've had a fair share?? not saying that's what all married couples do but I could see it having it's benifits for u.

SoupDragon · 08/01/2006 10:09

WhatI think the situation is is this :

Carla has a barclay card. Her DH has a barclay card. Her DH pays off both of these.

On Carla's card goes the food/household shopping, certain bills (car insurance etc), basic stuff like shampoo and (possibly) basic clothing for the children. Also, she apparently pays the utlity bills on this.
On her DHs card goes his personal spending plus things when they're out together.
Carla has her own income which goes on her clothing, special toiletries, cosmetics and treats.

Spending on Carla's card (which is paid for by her DH) is to be capped at £1200 and she unexpectedly has to pay her own tax bill.

I think the monthly capping is acceptable but to suddenly, at short notice, land her with paying the tax bill that he has usually paid is not. Possibly the capping is unreasonable in timing and how it was approached (eg with no warning) but it is not unacceptable to expect some limits on spending.

And, as an aside, I really think you should keep the personal insults and p*ss taking out of this. It's not nice, it's not polite and (dare I say it) it is against MN's philosophy .

noddyholder · 08/01/2006 10:11

who buys the food?