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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A problem in love making.

144 replies

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:19

I know people are going to suspect I am a troll so let me first say, I can prove I am not.

I know Cod once went by the name of PouchofDouglas, that Lavenderr caused a sensation by advocating teaching her children to shoot pheasants, and I know 4 is code for who cares?

Does that establish my credentials as a regular Mumsnetter? I am using a false name because I really don't want people who know me (and some of you do) to know this about me:

Dh and I have been together for 15 years and yet when we make love, he has never "put himself in me" IYSWIM, I have always had to do it for him. As I have mild vaginismus, I always find this a tense moment in our love making and would really like him to put himself in me as I think I would be more relaxed if he did it. I have asked him to do this, but he just can't get it in on his own. Does anyone know what we should do? God I feel so embarrassed asking this, but do you put your man's penis in or does he do it? Why can't my man do it?

Our sex life apart from this is OK - nothing exciting but perfectly satisfactory. Please does anyone have any advice and please don't try to work out who I am!

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 20:22

I have no idea who you are but this does sound strange. Why won't he, what does he say is his reason? I've never come across this before so ahem, there's my answer.

mummytosteven · 07/01/2006 20:23

I don't understand whether the problem is his technique when trying to put it in, or whether you are tensing up when he tries to put it in. I suspect that you probably need a bit of expert sex therapist type advice to untangle this.

Flossam · 07/01/2006 20:23

Could you try it err, doggy style so he can see the hare from the rabbit?

Beetrootfultoyourself · 07/01/2006 20:24

lubrication?

Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 20:25

if you use a lube maybe he would just slip in. Especially if you are on top.

FrumpyGrumpy · 07/01/2006 20:26

Oh wow. This must have been difficult to write. All I can say is after 12 years and three small kids of being together my dp and I have a pretty good sex life with it rolling into non existent to romping on a bi-monthly basis. Sometimes he touches bits that I think, "why are you THERE". My guess is that unless you have ladybits you never know exactly where you are and that if its not causing either of you upset (what I mean is are you really upset or is it just irritating?) then its fine. Hope thats helpful ..... x.

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:26

Really? I thought it might just be that he is embarrassed and not very familiar around women's bodies. I have to say that he and I were both virgins when we met so neither of us has experience of other people's love making. Every time we do it, when he baulks at putting himself in, I wonder how women ever get raped. I mean, in that case, the man must force his way in. I am not suggesting I want to be raped, but I would like to be "taken" one day before I die.

Maybe with my vaginismus, he is scared of hurting me, but as I said earlier, I feel it would be pleasanter and easier if he did the putting in. I could then concentrate on relaxing.

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Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:29

Oh thanks for all the answers and it is kind of you not to call me a troll.

Lubrication isn't usually a problem. I have to say, the nearest we came to getting it right was when I was on top so maybe that is something we could do more of. I also fancy doggy style so thanks for that idea.

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NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:30

Lots of lube is probably a good idea.

I know next to nothing about vaginismus, unfortunately, so probably can't be too much help.

I do think it makes more sense for the woman to do the putting in, it reduces the risk of someone missing the hole. Ok, I haven't had that happen for years and years, but still ... it can be uncomfortable, for both parties.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:31

Oh, and lots of light, maybe?

Or, hmm, assuming you're not using condoms etc, trying frottage? Which can move easily to direct penetration?

Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 20:31

a little extra lubrication could help it slip in though rather than having to be put in..iyswim

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:32

I know I am going to sound terribly naive, but does that mean that you ladies never have to put your man in yourself? If so, I am definitely missing out on something aren't I?

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drosophila · 07/01/2006 20:32

I have had vaginismus in the past and it does affect the man as well as the woman. My guess is that he is afraid of hurting you and in his head he feels that if you are guiding him in then it must be ok.

Thinking about it I think I do a lot of guiding habit probably from my painful past.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:34

Honestly, I'm sure I do put it in sometimes, maybe often, maybe always? I'm not particularly bothered, iyswim. It's not important to me.

Obviously, it's something that bothers you though, which is why you (and your DH) should find a way to fix it.

kama · 07/01/2006 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:34

Err, frottage? how does that work?

AuntyMandy, on the occasions when we have used KYJelly for lubrication, I have usually found everythings gets so slippy, I can't handle it myself and dh usually comes before he is in!

This is really hard to admit to! I am blushing even as I write. Please, no-one guess who I am!

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NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:36

Frottage means rubbing. Letting bits rub against other bits without being too bothered about penetration.

Although, given what you say, your DH may finish with just that, leaving you without the penetration you want.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:37

Frottage is only an option with loads of lube, though.

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:38

I don't know how bothered I am by it. I mean, to complain about this seems a bit churlish really when I have read other people's love making problems on this site, but I would really like to be taken and I actually find it quite hard to get him in myself (maybe that puts him off trying too because he sees me struggling and it is my own body!) You know, every time we make love, there is this fumbling period in the middle which doesn't seem right in a couple who have been together for so many years.

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NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:38

Oh, and I don't want to work out who you are, no fear.

fireflyfairy2 · 07/01/2006 20:39

I guide in too But then sex has never been the same for me since I had epesiotomies with my 2 children

NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:40

That sounds difficult.

Have you managed to keep a sense of humour about it all?

I think sex is always a bit fumbly, at least sometimes, no matter how long you've been with someone. (Having kids certainly doesn't help!)

Yummymummy24 · 07/01/2006 20:40

wow this thread is ace i've never heard of vagithingymabob but on the putting in thing i definitely don't think youre a troll. Its just one of those things people dont really talk about but soooo should lol. Anyway my dp can sometimes mess about and i just think for gods sake whack it in bitch but if you just lie there and dont do it for him he will have no choice haha. If you get a lot of lubrication he wont need to put it in with his hand it should just slip right in if he rubs around. Sorry for the detail!!!! I can see why it bugs you its definitely thier job in my eyes maybe he's insecure do you praise him during sex ie; mmmmm hot stud put it in me now. lol

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:43

Yes maybe all sex is a bit fumbly at times. I know my dh gets hung up on sex as portrayed in movies (eg he thinks the couple should come together but I keep telling him I don't think most real couples do achieve that).

Maybe I am guilty too of falling for the Hollywood love scene where the woman is always seemingly taken by the man. You never get the suggestion that they are fumbling at all.

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Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:45

Thanks YM, that's another thing: it shouldn't need a hand to put it in, should it? The more I think about it, I feel quite ashamed that our love making is so pathetic.

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