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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A problem in love making.

144 replies

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:19

I know people are going to suspect I am a troll so let me first say, I can prove I am not.

I know Cod once went by the name of PouchofDouglas, that Lavenderr caused a sensation by advocating teaching her children to shoot pheasants, and I know 4 is code for who cares?

Does that establish my credentials as a regular Mumsnetter? I am using a false name because I really don't want people who know me (and some of you do) to know this about me:

Dh and I have been together for 15 years and yet when we make love, he has never "put himself in me" IYSWIM, I have always had to do it for him. As I have mild vaginismus, I always find this a tense moment in our love making and would really like him to put himself in me as I think I would be more relaxed if he did it. I have asked him to do this, but he just can't get it in on his own. Does anyone know what we should do? God I feel so embarrassed asking this, but do you put your man's penis in or does he do it? Why can't my man do it?

Our sex life apart from this is OK - nothing exciting but perfectly satisfactory. Please does anyone have any advice and please don't try to work out who I am!

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 21:52

popsycal snap I thought that was the HC patented method of semen removal

starlover · 07/01/2006 21:52

oh yeah can you imagine it in a film? hot, steamy sex scene, they both come at the same time... then girl leans over to wipe herself with an old t-shirt?
hahaha

what else do you wanna ask?

popsycalindisguise · 07/01/2006 21:52

I hope no one knows me in real life

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:53

Snort!

PotPourri · 07/01/2006 21:53

Hee hee. The slipping out thing is soooo normal. And it is not unusual to clean up afterwards - I have been known to use old t-shirts, loo roll, whatever. Try knickers on, and a big wadge of loo roll inside, and panty liner next day. Or, if you can be bothered, go to the loo and 'relax' over the toilet. And to make it a bit more romantic, have a big hug when you get back into bed...

Coming at the same time, as someone else mentioned is also pretty unusual, and I think not that great - sure, part of the fun is watching the other one!

Seriously, sex is messy and not that romantic (a bit like having children really - the celebs would have you think they slip out with a little cough, and everyone smells of roses)- which is why the best way to deal with it is to have a bit of a laugh with it all.

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:53

(er.. that was a sound effect, not a technique BTW)

starlover · 07/01/2006 21:54

i don't have a problem going to the loo straight after... dp always goes and washes his hands!!!!!

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 21:55

snorting would probably work though

Original poster

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:56

Well... since you ask....dh reckons part of the reason I am tight is because I always come before he gets in me and he reckons the orgasm tightens the vaginal muscles. He thinks, if he can get in first, my vagina will be more relaxed and it will be easier all round. We have tried that, but I didn't come at all and he was too tired afterwards to do anything about it (bastard!) so we usually stick with me having my fun first and then him having his.

I think he is talking a load of baloney when he says the orgasm tightens the vaginal muscles. I mean, it does during orgasm, but then they relax again don't they? Any ideas?

OP posts:

Broomsticks · 07/01/2006 21:57

I have had previous partners who have known just where to put their penis. Unfortunately DH has always needed guidance unless an anglepoise lamp is aimed at my nether regions (hardly romantic) I usually say 'oi, not up the arse dear' tends to do the trick.
Re copious semen - I cup my minge and stagger towards the en-suite like John Wayne having had a long day in the saddle, or else mop up with copious loo roll if I am too lazy.
I tend to cough afterwards too (me and thee Northerner) which as well as expelling DH's flaccid penis, also gets shut of the 'mess'.

Not exactly Hollywood is it?

PS I have also changed my name.

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 21:58

TITLE - TRUE ROMANCE
scene - chez HC bedroom late at night
HC - well that was nice
Mr HC - yes

HC - er.... are the tissues on your side??

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:58

"well that was nice " !! pmsl

Branster · 07/01/2006 21:59

Bedknobs good luck for the future. I'm positive things will change to your liking but it might take a while for dh to do it exactly how you want it. Just rememeber to encourage him and perhaps delay penetration as much as possible so that he is despaerate to get it it. Praise him like a god for all the good stuff he does. and follow what the ladies on here have said. it souns pretty good to me.

anyway, the wet bed patch. everyone gets it!!! I love it when we use condoms because the bed is nice and dry and i'm not leaking . I always (every single time without fail) i go to the bathroom afterwards and sort myself out, then me or dh bring toilet paper back to the bed to wipe out the wet patches. i never got around to keeping kitchen paper towels in the bedroom, maybe that would be the solution? otherwise, be sneaky and make sure it all happens on dh's side of the bed

Original poster

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:59

Perhaps I should explain why I am too lazy to go to the loo afterwards. It is downstairs.

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 21:59

orgasms only tighten the vaginal muscles temporarily i.e. in spasms
afterwards - relaxed

notasheep · 07/01/2006 22:00

dp has to sleep in wet patch

Broomsticks · 07/01/2006 22:01

DH loves it if I have come first. The vag muscles don't tighten - the labia and clit etc are swollen like the penis, but the vag lengthens and expands, so the entrance is tight, but the inside is wet and softer. Makes it harder to get in, but he tends to make more moans as he enters me.

(Must change name more often, this is quite liberating!)

PS - I read Masters and Johnson for that snippet.

Original poster

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 22:01

Thanks HC, that is what I have spent 15 years telling dh.

Now how to get him to believe it? Do you want to come round and explain? he might listen to someone else!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 22:01

Pampers Care Mats! That's the answer!

starlover · 07/01/2006 22:01

you're right about relaxing again after orgasm... but i do find that i am not as wet afterwards... that could be part of the problem?

that said, not many women orgasm through penetration, so it's DEFINITELY worth trying it either doggy style (he can reach round and touch you)
or you on top... you can kind of rub at the same time, or touch yourself

Blu · 07/01/2006 22:01

More Mike Leigh than Hollywood, then, Harpy?

harpsichordcarrier · 07/01/2006 22:02

Blu
quite so
with shades of Alan Bennett

popsycalindisguise · 07/01/2006 22:02

soupy - am I you?
I am sitting look at a pack of pampers care mats right now wondering if I dare to post...

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 22:03

I'm going to have to go and lie downnow . Alone, in a dark room.

Original poster

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 22:04

Awww no, SD! I am going to take my new ideas up to the bedroom and see if dh is still awake!

OP posts:

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