Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A problem in love making.

144 replies

Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 20:19

I know people are going to suspect I am a troll so let me first say, I can prove I am not.

I know Cod once went by the name of PouchofDouglas, that Lavenderr caused a sensation by advocating teaching her children to shoot pheasants, and I know 4 is code for who cares?

Does that establish my credentials as a regular Mumsnetter? I am using a false name because I really don't want people who know me (and some of you do) to know this about me:

Dh and I have been together for 15 years and yet when we make love, he has never "put himself in me" IYSWIM, I have always had to do it for him. As I have mild vaginismus, I always find this a tense moment in our love making and would really like him to put himself in me as I think I would be more relaxed if he did it. I have asked him to do this, but he just can't get it in on his own. Does anyone know what we should do? God I feel so embarrassed asking this, but do you put your man's penis in or does he do it? Why can't my man do it?

Our sex life apart from this is OK - nothing exciting but perfectly satisfactory. Please does anyone have any advice and please don't try to work out who I am!

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:53

Honestly, Bedknobs, it's not all Hollywood soft focus in everyone else's bedrooms. You're having sex! Lots of couples aren't!

Obviously you need to have a not-in-the-bedroom chat about what's bugging you here. Maybe there are other things your DH can do to make you feel "taken", as well as, or instead of, changing this. (Grabbing you suddenly and kissing you, flinging you onto the bed, etc etc)

Yummymummy24 · 07/01/2006 21:04

Yeah what about fanny farts how embarrassing are they lol!!!!! I just try to have a laugh in bed really its not about being pressured into doing it like on tv. Maybe you need to be more experimental it sounds a bit rigid maybe try having a quickie from behind or introduce some sex toys. I bet you'd like the whole dominatrix thing. Get him to tie you up?? Then you cant put it in hahahaha

mcmudda · 07/01/2006 21:08

Um...we use a helping hand occasionally too - don't actually see a prob with it myself. And we were both virgins too - but I don't think past experience has anything to do with this tbh.

After I had ds I has vulval vestibulitis which means everything really stings like hell. I was prescribed a local anasthetic cream but tbh it was more of a placebo cos I just figured it wouldn't hurt anymore and i totally relaxed.

Maybe if he knows that it's not going to hurt you /tense you up - he might just go for it. But I honestly don't see a problem with the way you're doing it. I find it a real turn on when dh asks me to put him in because I know he really wants me at that point.

And I like fumbly sex. It's honest and real and I can smile rather than perform.

dinny · 07/01/2006 21:14

Bedknobs, is he really (ahem) hard enough?

flutterbee · 07/01/2006 21:16

Maybe if he is a bit nervous, turn the lights on and when he is ready to go in, draw your knees up and let your legs drop apart (ala smear test) have him really close holding the bottom of his little (or big) man and have him guide towards the goal whilst slowly leaning over you, it will be in before you know it. This way you can help him along and smile and laugh with him about it to make it a bit more relaxed, then as time goes on he will be able to pop it in all on his own.

DH isn't successful all the time sometimes I end up going left a bit right a bit and then he just says you put it in which I do it's perfectly normal, but I can understand you not wanting to do it everytime, and it's very rare that one of us doesn't have to hand a the matter iyswim.

PotPourri · 07/01/2006 21:20

Fumbling is definately the norm. Must admit movie sex is totally unrealistic. They don't even have any mess afterwards! This is a good thread, as I can see it has made lots of people think (including me). Guiding is often required, like someone else said - the female body is a bit of a mystery to most. A gay friend once even told me that it is a mystery even when you have some of your own! DH and I have a running joke when it's heading the wrong way, it's based on a joke I once heard about someone in singapore shouting a phrase, and it turned out later to mean 'wrong hole'. God, sounds silly putting it down here now, but basically, if you can take the pressure off and have a bit of a laugh about it, it should help a little.

Good luck

starlover · 07/01/2006 21:29

hi bedknobs.... i often put dp's in. some men just have a habit of jabbing it around a bit with no idea what they're aiming for! seems pretty normal really, try aiming something you don't really have any control over into a small hole...

I definitely think you being on top will help though. Although even when we do this I sometimes need to hold onto him (iyswim?!) so that i can make sure it's lined up properly!

also, in missionary position can you just line it up, or just get the very tip in the right place and let him do the rest?

galaxy · 07/01/2006 21:32

Well dh and I have a very active sex life (too active for my liking some times)! I often guide dh in mainly to make sure he doesn't take my labia in as that's bloody painful. TMI no dount

galaxy · 07/01/2006 21:32

doubt

Blu · 07/01/2006 21:33

bedknobs - I think that someone often gives a helping hand to get it in.
It sounds as if you are having two different 'fantasies' - he is being really sensitive to the fact that you have a tendency for vaginisimus, being considertae etc etc, whilst you actually have a fantasy to be 'taken'.
BOTH these sound like a recipe for great sex between you, but not at the same time!

Oh, and coming simultaneously is definitely Silver Screen choreography, and not even the best option, imho.

Might any of the following help: a bottle of wine and some lookimg at some non-porn-but- definitely-erotic material - even the Joy of Sex? A bit of a daring situation - middle of day, or in a different room in the house, and talking to him - tell him that he has helped you SO much with his consideration that you are over your vaginismus, and then enourage him to be a bit more assertive? (more wine...). Talk dirty to him! (MORE wine...)

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:38

Yes Starlover I do sometimes line it up and get him to push a bit, in the hope that it will teach him where he is going, but mostly, he just doesn't seem to have any idea. I am amused (in a nice way) by all the confessions going on here. I feel compelled to tell you all that dh is always nice and hard enough thank you, oh and he is quite big I think (though not having experience of other men, I suppose I am not really qualified to say). Very big I would say! I will try out the various advice here - thanks.

By the way, talking about mess (Pot Pourri) and whilst I have you people to talk to, does anyone else have a problem with semen running out and wetting the bed and making sleep impossible after the act? Dh has only recently stopped using condoms, which was our preferred method of contraception, and I am back to the old days when we were trying to conceive, of finding it very unpleasant after sex because I was so wet down below. The sheets get wet and every time I drop off to sleep, I am woken up again by more semen slipping out. Generally yuck! I know there is an ettiquette about what to do with semen after a blow job, but what about ordinary penetrative sex? I am too lazy to get up to go to the loo and anyway, I still find more slips out again later. Does anyone else keep a loo roll by the bed and "wipe up" afterwards? If not, what do you do?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:39

Can you slowly, er, "wean him off" having to have it put in so to speak. Start guiding it but leave him to his own devices at earlier and earlier points? I'm sure he'll get the idea, reliase that he's not going to hurt you or whatever the actual problem is IYSWIM.

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:40

x posts

snowleopard · 07/01/2006 21:40

LOL at "whack it in bitch"

Can't believe I'm writing about this online but Bedknobs I have to reassure you - I always put it in. I have residual (if that makes sense - used to have it worse) vaginismus, he is quite large and it is difficult otherwise. It never bothered me. I just go with the feeling I'm being "taken" once it's in!

starlover · 07/01/2006 21:41

oh god yes.. the wet bed thing...

i try and clench, and then go to the loo and let it all run out! not very romantic i'm afraid!

other option i guess is to put a big towel under you both and then remove it a bit later?

snowleopard · 07/01/2006 21:43

My side of the bed is by the wall, I have a few old t-shirts tucked down there, grab one of those and then it goes in the wash the next morning.

(Feel like some kind of girl guide with this practical approach!)

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:43

I must be paranoid, but I sometimes reckon I can still feel semen slipping out of me the day after sex. Last night, I was trying surreptitiously to start a new loo roll to give myself a wipe (I thought it a bit unromantic to do it obviously and thought dh was asleep) and he woke up at the sound of the paper ripping and thought the cat was under the bed!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:45

PUt your knickers back on? Next day a panty liner seems to do the trick...

popsycalindisguise · 07/01/2006 21:45

bog roll and cough

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:46

Knickers wouldn't do the trick. It is that slipping feeling that wakes me up rather than the wet bed - like your period is starting. I am intrigued by Snowleopard's supply of old t-shirts down the side of the bed!

OP posts:
starlover · 07/01/2006 21:47

oh or make sure you're on HIS side! lol

SoupDragon · 07/01/2006 21:47

I know I shouldn't laugh but I am chuckling now. Can you imagine discussing this in RL???

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:49

Exactly SD! I can actually think of a number of things I want to ask now that I have the chance, but I am holding back as I feel my posts will look more and more troll-like if I give myself free rein!

So clearly wiping away dripping semen is the norm? Another thing Hollywood glosses over, eh?

OP posts:
popsycalindisguise · 07/01/2006 21:50

dont forget to cough

no next mornign leakage
pmsl

Original poster
Bedknobs · 07/01/2006 21:51

TBH, I am not sure if the next morning leakage thing is real, or whether the vagina just produces more discharge as a reaction to the love-making of the night before IYSWIM?

OP posts: