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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hardest post I've ever written..

152 replies

dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 18:55

..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.

OP posts:
cod · 08/01/2006 17:49

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 08/01/2006 17:50

do you think that would be helpful?

Is it what you would like to do?

(sounds an extremely positive step to me)

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 08/01/2006 17:54

Yes Twiglett I think it's a long time coming TBH.

Cod, be norty elsewhere you little minx!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 08/01/2006 17:57

good

now who are you

JoolsToo · 08/01/2006 17:58

so sorry to hear about this.

My pov is this. This sort of thing is obviously what he likes to do and I don't think there's a hope in hell he'll ever stop. You have to ask yourself can you really handle it? I couldn't but we're not talking about me - can you?

Can't imagine the turmoil you must be going through - I feel for you.

WideWebWitch · 08/01/2006 18:09

hmmm. are you really happy with his explanation? he's working on a project requiring him to put his details on a dating site, really? hmmm.

flutterbee · 08/01/2006 18:21

Dazed I just tried to cat you but obviously won't go through coz of name change, I wrote a really long but very interesting message to you and now feel really hard done by because it has all gone to waste.

Harhumph

Twiglett · 08/01/2006 18:28

I think you should maybe stop naval gazing and trying to get her worried now

she's happy with the explanation so that should be sufficient

lots of people added up 2 and 2 and got 54 last night

flutterbee · 08/01/2006 18:32

Totally agree twig, my e-mail to her was explaining a very similar situation I found myself in some time ago, didn't post on here because there is a lot of detail and I didn't want to go into it all.

Dazed if you want my e-mail just cat me and I shall whip it over to you asap, just to prove you are not alone in these kinds of situations.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 08/01/2006 18:34

I agree with Twig.

I think that Dazed should E-mail MN Towers to have this thread pulled.

Sometimes things are best left well enough alone.

Mercy · 08/01/2006 18:43

I thought DATR said the photos were not for a dating site and that she'd been looking at the wrong laptop (it was her BIL's).

NotQuiteCockney · 08/01/2006 19:11

I think she was saying the pictures were for some work thing, that didn't involve a dating site. Like pictures to go in a newsletter or website at work. And the pictures of ladies were on BIL's laptop.

WideWebWitch · 08/01/2006 19:12

But Twig, is a public forum - if people don't want opinions, they shouldn't post. I don't think it's 'navel gazing' to comment on the outcome, quite frankly. You've gotta take the rough with the smooth if you post on mn imo.

WideWebWitch · 08/01/2006 19:13

I so, so, detest being told not to post actually.

Twiglett · 08/01/2006 19:25

but I didn't say don't post .. I just said what I thought which was trying to make someone feel uncomfortable about an explanation she has accepted (and that we were not to party to) is a little weird .. that is just IMHO

UCM · 08/01/2006 22:05

When you say 'girls' do you mean women? I am concerned with the 'girls' bit are they young in your opinion? Don't suppose this helps much but I wondered.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 08/01/2006 22:21

Sorry to just vanish without a proper explanation have been a bit busy
I want to make it clear that by girls I mean young women not (girls, girls - god no!)

These folders and the photos were on my BIL's laptop which is similar(ish) to our old broken one (BIL is single and footloose BTW) AND the photos of my dh were not posted on a dating site (I had assumed as they were lovely flattering ones and cropped to show just the head and shoulders that they were being sent via e mail to other women or dating sites) The photos were used in a "who we are" capacity on the live website (which he showed me). The photos of dh were the most recent addition to the folder he showed me how to access the date on which files are modified and it all sounded very feasible.

OP posts:
Mercy · 08/01/2006 22:26

Phew!

Blu · 08/01/2006 22:27

dazed - yes, it does sound feasible to me.
Glad you got it sorted - and it sounds as if it would be a good idea to go to some counselling - but because of HIS past behaviour as well as your 'baggage'.
Good lluck, and hope DS had a good b'day.

WideWebWitch · 08/01/2006 22:28

oh ok, twig (sorry, got my being told not to post hackles out completley inappropriately) and dazed, all's well that ends well then!

Rhubarb · 08/01/2006 22:39

Sorry, just got to this. Couple of questions before you pull the thread, is that ok?

You say the pictures you found were explained because it was his brother's laptop? So does he have a similar laptop then? Because you presumed when you looked into the files that you were looking at your dh's laptop, so his brother's laptop must be pretty similar right?

Why did he have his brother's laptop?

Have you spoken to his brother?

Sorry if you don't want this to carry on, and I take it that other people are happy to accept his explanation too, but are you sure that you are 100% happy with it? Because just from reading in-between the lines I'm kinda getting vibes that say that you are not convinced but happy to accept it as the other alternative is too much to contemplate?

What do you honestly think? You must be a little suspicious otherwise you simply wouldn't question him, there is obviously a background here. Once the trust is gone then it's gone. You can accept this explanation, but I have a feeling that there will always be this niggly doubt at the back of your mind and it's this that will end your relationship. You do need honesty. Will you still go for therapy?

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 09/01/2006 09:58

Hi Rhubarb, yes similar almost identical laptops, the only difference when I compared them both was a different coloured enter key.

BIL gave dh the laptop when he was getting his new new one, the screen on our old one was cracked. Dh did do a transfer of data onto BIL's machine(but hasn't deleted some of his older folders -the ones I saw-as BIL has not backed them up yet) which is why I noticed some of the older photos too, but when dh showed me other files in there (connected with an ancient websitehe ran) they were all mixed up

He did say that it was stupid and quite lazy that the old pictures weren't deleted.(No shit-I'm not trying to make excuses for him in any way but this is dh all over, this is him when it comes to any kind of housekeeping)

I haven't spoken to my BIL he is on holiday ATM ( I do remember him dropping off a lap top ages ago and assumed it was for dh to fix) and yes I do have trust issues not just with dh but with neighbours/friends/relatives, I'm afraid I have been let down really badly in the past.
Hope that explains it all a bit better.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 09/01/2006 10:16

Well, yes and no really. It does all seem a bit bizarre and if you have trust issues already, then I'm not surprised that you want to question everything. I take it that he has cheated in the past? And he met you through the internet, so like you say, it does seem highly suspicious that you found his photos on there as well as photos of other girls. Yes he had a handy explanation ready, and it seems to work, just. But can you really place all your trust in this man? Are you 100% sure that he will not cheat on you again?

You don't sound very happy in this relationship and I fear more incidents like this one will happen in the future. You both need counselling. At best he is being inconsiderate towards your feelings (he should have told you what was happening with the pcs, especially since he knew about the pictures on there), at worst he has something to hide. You can't go through a relationship without trust, sooner or later it does break down. He has betrayed your trust before and now it really is up to him to earn your trust again. Is he willing to do this? Or is he making you out to be silly and suspicious? Please be careful, suspicious are rarely created out of thin air. I do hope he agrees to talk to someone with you.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 09/01/2006 10:27

Thanks for your time Rhubarb.
No he hasn't cheated on me -it was my ex husband who did the deed. I did not give him a second chance I kicked him out and divorced him as quickly as I could, his feet did not touch the ground.

Just to clarify the photos of him were in a new folder with other assorted banners and graphics etc for webpage, the photos of the girls were in another folder with other assorted documents which were not dh's he told me to go through them which I did and I could see that they were not his.

Dh didn't treat me like I was being silly and paranoid at all- I asked him imagine the tables were turned and listed everything which has triggered my suspicion and he was horrified and said if it were him he would either have reacted the same or worse.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 09/01/2006 10:38

Then I truly hope that your suspicions have been allayed (although I'd still confirm with b-i-l when he returns!). To be honest, I would have reacted exactly the same as you did, perhaps not quite so rationally even! He has been stupid in not telling you what was going on with the computers, men are thoughtless like that. Hope you can rebuild the trust there. Good luck.