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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hardest post I've ever written..

152 replies

dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 18:55

..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:49

NQC forgot to answer you.

Yes he did tell me it was stuff he would never do to me. He was in tears and saying his family meant the world to him.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:50

Just to point out - if you're both ok with him doing this, then that's fine. It's the lying and so on that's not on.

I can see an argument that this is somewhat like porn. But it's not the same - he is interacting with other women, it isn't just him looking at pictures. And obviously DATR isn't mellow about this.

PeachyClair · 07/01/2006 20:50

I personally have no problem with porn, but lying about it and covering up is another matter....

NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:51

Hmm, could be compulsive/addictive behaviour? Could be he's an evil manipulative b*stard. Or both.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:51

Beansprout I couldn't really give a monkeys about porn. This is more personal to me than looking at fannies online.

NQC, I feel like you are talking to me like I am a simpering idiot.

OP posts:
Mum2OneAndBump · 07/01/2006 20:51

Hold on i thought this was not "porn" he was looking at? I thought it was pics of women he has obviously been chatting too as you said you found "chat boxs" open on his laptop?

Is this right or have i misread?

beansprout · 07/01/2006 20:52

Sorry, am v tired and I misunderstood.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:53

M21&B

No, not porn. I feel angry and quite tempted to post one of his little pictures on members profiles to show you all

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:54

DATR, I'm not trying to offend you. I don't think you are an idiot.

I do think your DH will try to talk his way out of any confrontation about this.

Mum2OneAndBump · 07/01/2006 20:56

I really do feel for you, it must be hurting you bery much especially as you have already confronted him about this and he has still carried on.

You need to confront him & say you want the whole truth, tell him what you have found, he is a married man with a child & should not be betraying you like this, FFS men make me soooo angry.

fireflyfairy2 · 07/01/2006 20:57

So has he added woman to his msn/yahoo messenger and been talking to them? Is it photos of said woman you have found on his PC?

If so, get up to where he is now..and tell him you found them, tell him he has the time it takes you to pack your case to explain to you what it was he was doing... This has made me rather sad. There is no trust left after this type of thing is there?

beansprout · 07/01/2006 20:59

Just read this all again (properly this time ) and I'm really, really sorry this is happening.

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 21:08

DATR, do you have any access to his MSN?

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:10

FFF2
I don't know who he is talking/communicating with and all MSN web history is clear.
There are photos of Irina, Sophie, Nathalie, etc in the folder wearing stupid little clothes and posing in that horrid "vaseline around the lens make over session" kind of way.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:11

I feel like one of those little mice in the experiments, hitting the dead end

OP posts:
Blu · 07/01/2006 21:13

DATR - this is horrible. Really sorry.

Is there a reason why you can't say 'I found this today - We need to talk'?

What do you think you want? profesional help to sort this out between you and hopefully get him to understand what he is doing to you?
An apology and a sworn undertaking that he won't do it again?
To have time to think, and decide whether you want him or not?
To chuck him out?

galaxy · 07/01/2006 21:15

Irina is an unusual name. It's not this pic is it?

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:15

I want the truth. Then if I'm honest I don't think I could carry on. Once could be a mistake ans we all make them but to persist? No, I think that is so wrong.

I think I don't want to say anything, although I know I should because it's ds's birthday tomorrow.

I'm so sad about it all.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 21:16

Can you go to Tools >> Options >> Messages and click to save a copy of convos in a folder of your choosing? Then password-protect the folder (think this'll work) and leave it a week or so. He may see what you've done, but probably not till you've got some convos in the folder?

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 21:16

That's on MNS, btw.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:17

Galaxy. It's perverse really but I just found myself laughing out loud when I saw that.

Thanks (I don't know why, but thanks)

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:18

HM you need to access the person's account though? To change the settings I mean.

OP posts:
galaxy · 07/01/2006 21:22

I really wasn't trying to be flippant - just seemed such an unusual name and googled it to see if it bought up a UK dating site. Glad it made you laugh though

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 21:23

OMG, I spelt MSN wrong...

Yes, you'd have to access his account. You could do it deviously, I guess - can you invent an emergency at the end of the garden for when he's logged on?

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:25

I don't think I'd be able to do that Hunker, he logs out every time. Used to doing it with work like I am I guess.

Seriously considering honeytrap (am not kidding)

OP posts: