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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hardest post I've ever written..

152 replies

dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 18:55

..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.

OP posts:
Mercy · 07/01/2006 21:28

Dazed, I don't think further 'snooping' is going to help matters. So what if it gives you more proof/ammunition? It will torture you even more - the deed is done.

Please try to speak to him asap

galaxy · 07/01/2006 21:29

honeytrap would only work if you know the sites he visits. I really would take a look at the profiles on the main sites, like yahoo dating, Match, midsummernight etc etc.

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 21:29

DATR, talk to him.

snowleopard · 07/01/2006 21:30

A honeytrap is tempting, but so confrontational it may push him towards further denial which you would find more distressing and insulting. I think better to sit him down and say "We have to have this out and I will not drop it until we get to the bottom of it, there is a lot at stake". I would explain clearly how much it has hurt you and that you have visions of the family falling apart. I'm willing to bet that's not what he wants. It's apparently quite common in men with a young family to have a fantasy life/flirt with the idea of alternatives; that doesn't mean he's necessarily doing anything in RL and he may not even think it's all that bad, while realising that you would and so taking steps to hide it.

If it is what he wants though you need to find out. So sorry this is happening to you

hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 21:32

If he's doing what you think he's doing, it's become his norm and he's lulled himself into a false sense of security, thinking you'll never find out about it.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 21:33

Sorry, just falling to pieces here. I know I have to say something but not till tomorrow is over. I just don't wany a horrid atmosphere.

SN, thanks for your post. The words I mean. So daft but I think it's some kind of dialogue I mean. I'm so lost for words really, spoken ones.

OP posts:
EatDrinkAndBeAMerryPip · 07/01/2006 21:34

Sorry you´re going through this. Agree about confronting him & talking things through otherwise you´ll torture yourself worrying about it all. Better to bite the bullet and deal with it now if you can. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Mytwopenceworth · 07/01/2006 21:37

definatly sounds like he is fantasising about meeting other women. Possibly preparing to meet other women. You say he works long hours - are you sure? Is it possible he could nip off telling you he's working, but actually be elsewhere?

I'm sorry, I hate to ask that, it's awful, but his actions sound so dodgy that I really think there is only one explanation, he is thinking of extra-curricular. It may be that he is stressed or conversely (sp) he is bored / in a rut (?) and fantasising about excitement, but this type of fantasy tends to get followed thru IME

orangina · 07/01/2006 21:41

So sorry to read this dazed, am sure i would feel exactly as you are now if i were in your shoes. have no advice really, but wondered if you might be able to uninstall his window washers software (settings, control panel, etc).... would that help? get you some proof? or get him angry as to why it had suddenly disappeared so that you can have a conversation? or perhaps you just HAVE the conversation anyway.... i'm waffling, sorry, really hope you get things clear in your mind soon.....

PotPourri · 07/01/2006 21:45

So sorry to hear this, it sounds awful. I can totally understand why you are avoiding talking to him about it, it just seems easier to carry on doesn't it (comes from someone who knows that feeling of just carrying on).

But you do know that you need to talk to him. You need to be sure of what you want first though. If you want to keep him, you need to know what terms you can accept (the tory wife with pearls - whilst an easy option, you know would be soul destroying). And once you are really clear on that, then you need to make sure he knows your bottom line. I know how hard it is to seethe inside, thinking I am going to leave, it's over. But the only way to resolve it, and to save your marriage ultimately is together. He needs to understand that, and so do you. If it upsets you so much, then he has to stop, and you need to make that clear to him (not necessarily as a threat of leaving - which is what you might be scared of). Maybe you could talk about what you could do together that might give him that kick but without hurting you -e.g. reading porn mags, ads with other couples or something like that. If it truely is fantasy, then you could play that together.

Good luck chick, I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 23:00

Thanks for that.

OP posts:
Blu · 07/01/2006 23:12

Horrible situation for you to be in, Dazed. I hope you can focus on your DS's b'day tomorrow. It sounds as if you are being clear in your head about what you will want - so maybe the enforced break before talking to him will give you time to crystalise in your head exactly how you are going to aproach him.
A horrible night for you. Really sorry.

QueenVictoria · 07/01/2006 23:15

Sorry to hear this dazed. I dont have any advice but hope it works out for you.

x

Twiglett · 08/01/2006 08:48

Dazed... I hope you had an ok night and your brain has stopped whirring and whirling.

Seriously hope you have found a way to confront this situation. Or are feeling stronger.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 08/01/2006 10:37

Thanks so much Twig, you are a sweetie.
Did talk to him.
Laptop was his brother's, hence all sorts of weirdy files and me not being able to find my own pictures. he showed me ours which was in the study with a cracked screen.

Think it was a good thing we spoke about it though. It demonstrated to bot of us that I certainly have not gotten over the last thing.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 08/01/2006 10:41

Why did his laptop have photos of him for dating sites? Or am I missing something here?

(And is he still saying he wasn't up to anything on MSN the other time?)

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 08/01/2006 10:44

They we're photos for dating sites (it was my assumption)
he showed me exactly where the photos were used. He typed in the webaddress and showed me, all legit and connected with the project he is working on (I was mortified)

The last time wasn't MSN it was IQC?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 08/01/2006 11:01

Hmm, I think on ICQ that people will, well, "proposition" you unsolicited, maybe. Not been on there, myself.

Funny, my DH suggested (to me) the pictures might be for something corporate (newsletter etc).

tigermoth · 08/01/2006 11:07

oh, I do hope you feel ok now about all of this -I think there's lots of reason to believe your dh, for the time being at least.

However, I really do think he should have told you in advance that his project included lots of dating site activity, especially as he knows you are sensitive to this side of him. He has been really thoughless and do not feel embarrassed for questioning him - and if you feel uneasy later, do so again.

busybusybee · 08/01/2006 11:26

Hi Dazedandtherest I am sorry you are suffering in this way

WHat does dh do for a job? I am trying to figure out why he would need to do all this for a project - ie posting pictures of himself on a website and having folders full of girls dressed skimpily - IT all sounds so weird

If it were me i wouldnt be happy with the fact that he doesnt tell you the whole truth - just bits of it when it suits him

I really know how you feel cos in some ways i have experienced what you are going through - ie DH doesnt always tell me the truth

SueW · 08/01/2006 11:30

Did you mean they weren't photos for a dating site? Are they being used for a team page on a website somewhere.

If the above isn't the case, I'm having a hard time understanding the direction this conversation is going!

cod · 08/01/2006 14:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 08/01/2006 17:41

Not arsey Cod, I just imagined you having a field day

OP posts:
Twiglett · 08/01/2006 17:46

I am so very pleased there was a reasonable explanation for what you found.

Am glad you didn't go off all guns blazing too.

There is obviously still a trust issue and hurt left over from previous incident that you need to work out but I am so very very happy that it isn't the worst case scenario that everyone imagined.

Good luck in rebuilding your relationship .. whoever you are (am intrigued now)

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 08/01/2006 17:48

Thanks twiglett. He's suggested we both try going to some kind of joint therapy to discuss the past and including my baggage from my other relationship (where my xh cheated on me)

OP posts:
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