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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hardest post I've ever written..

152 replies

dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 18:55

..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.

OP posts:
Beetrootfultoyourself · 07/01/2006 19:30

could you call his bluff and post a pic of yourslef on the site?

marthamoo · 07/01/2006 19:30

I'm so sorry. It just sounds awful - the betrayal of your trust, mostly. You have to have it out with him but are you going to be able to believe anything he tells you? Or, come to that, trust him again? I really am sorry.

spacecadet · 07/01/2006 19:34

i think you need to confront your dh,i cant think of any logical or reasonable explanation for the pics youve found apart from the obvious, im so very sorry.

WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 19:37

Another one who thinks he's a liar here. I'm not sure I'd have believed him the first time tbh. EX COLLEAGUES?! I mean, ffs. In your position I'd get my proof, if only to satisfy myself I wasn't leaving over nothing, and then I'd probably leave.

Nightynight · 07/01/2006 19:42

dazed, he sounds like a compulsive flirt.
does he flirt with work colleagues, or is it all on the internet?
Do you think this is just a habit(like Bill Clinton), or is he working up to leaving?
either way, am terribly sorry, it is a horrid situation for you to be in.

WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 19:44

Twig, even if he isn't actually shagging other people, I wouldn't be happy with my dh sending his picture out/flirting/receiving other pictures from other women, would you? And I think being unfaithful counts as anything your partner wouldn't be happy about. It sounds like DATR's h knows she wouldn't like it, hence the washer software and hiding stuff. That's not good in a marriage imo. Poor you dazedandtherest.

WideWebWitch · 07/01/2006 19:45

CAn you find out what sites he frequents and trap him? Horrid but if he's innocent then you won't find anything.

trefusis · 07/01/2006 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ScummyMummy · 07/01/2006 20:00

Oh dear. Agree with www- sounds really shit dazedandtherest. Poor poor you. Whatever his motives, he knows that this is something that upsets you profoundly. He should therefore have stopped after you confronted him last time. End of. Though where you go from here I don't know. Good luck.

Mercy · 07/01/2006 20:07

Dazed, a bit of dutch courage wouldn't go amiss!

However, you do need to think about what you are going to ask him and what your response will be. I would phrase the question so that it has to be answered and keep it simple. eg, I have found xyz, what is going on? If he asks/accuses you of looking into private things,explain as rationally as you can how you came across them.

Please don't think your family will be ripped apart and don't even think about leaving until you have his side of the story

Mum2OneAndBump · 07/01/2006 20:14

Sounds like hes on chat rooms chatting to women and swapping photos!

When Is he doing this? is it from home?

FrumpyGrumpy · 07/01/2006 20:16

Sweetheart, luck x.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:35

Hi.
Am back.
I am going to answer as much as I can. Dh is downstairs and could come up at any minute. You know what? I have spent some of today shedding tears and feeling totally abandoned and at other times just carrying on as if nothing has happened probably because I am busied looking after ds (could it be denial? Shit, am I going to end up like one of those stupid pearl wearing, smiling and nodding Tory wives you see on the news?)

WWW I don't know which website/s it could be. This would be what I would favour as there would just be no talking his way out of it. I just feel that I need to get something really concrete.

Aside from his very busy job he has also taken on another project (which is huge) and he has taken to working for sometimes 1 or 2 hours a night on it (although I am now wondering if it's 50/50 with him crusing too )

There is nothing really much to go on.

I have to agree with those of you that have said if he knows how much this upset me last time it is a. Foolish to carry on as he was bound to get caught and b.So totally hooked that it's more important to him than me or his ds.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 20:38

The fact he has installed software to wipe the history on the PC is ringing huge alarm bells with me.

He's up to something, you need to call him on it and you need to do it before he can delete things.

Sending much sympathy and strength - hope you get some clear answers from him. Stay as calm as you can - you'll benefit in the long run.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:40

I know HM.

I'm thinking now, he waited for the dust to settle and then installed it.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:44

It sounds like compulsive behaviour, maybe?

Also, not to be obtuse, but did he know you disapproved of this sort of behaviour before the first time you caught him? You said he said "wasn't me, the dog did it". Did he also say, "I would never do that" or equivalent?

You need to have a big conversation about this, about what he's up to, what it means, how it makes you feel etc etc. You know he's doing it, you don't actually need hard proof.

PeachyClair · 07/01/2006 20:45

This (or similar) happened to a friend of mine. Her Dh now lives in Thailand with his 'Thai Wife' (they're not married, he won't sign the divorce papers over here). He WAS using prostitutes he found over the PC< she contracted chlamydia as a result. She now lives in poverty (he being in Thailand with his business money is out of reach of the CSA). Get legal advice and get out.

galaxy · 07/01/2006 20:46

Sounds incredibly suss to me as well I'm afraid.
For starters I'd look at some dating sites and see if you can find his profile. But I'd probably use the a public computer like in the library. Just in case it is innocent and he then thinks you are looking at dating sites for your benefit!

I met my dh on a dating site too and I'd be mortified if I thought he still looked at them.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:46

I think I do though NQC, because he talked his way out last time and I didn't have any proper proof just some photos which were explained and then the other stuff. I know what you are saying though.

I need to be able to say, right this is what I have found - explain it....

OP posts:
edam · 07/01/2006 20:46

OMG Dazed this is really, really bad. The fact that he's doing this after convincing you to come back...

Do you want him to come clean? Could you deal with the answers? Is there any future for you after a betrayal like this? You have to decide what you want here before you confront him.

Tbh if I was in your shoes I'd throw him out. But I'm not, and it's easy for me to say when I'm a complete stranger reading about this scenario.

I really feel for you.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:47

Oh PC, your poor friend.

OP posts:
edam · 07/01/2006 20:47

Maybe he wants to be found out. Leaving his computer around and not shut down once is careless, twice could be deliberate.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 20:48

Thanks edam.
I know it's awful I think. I want honesty. I think it would be easier if he admitted it.

OP posts:
beansprout · 07/01/2006 20:48

I'm so sorry this is happening and can see how upsetting it is. Fact is though, that a lot of men use porn. A lot of women don't like it but they still carry on. The question is, what can you accept and what can't you? I would say to give yourself some time. Don't make any hasty decisions. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Both of you being furtive isn't going to resolve anything. I agree with Twiglett, the internet has just taken further what just used to be contained in magazines.

Good luck with it all, I know it must be very painful xx

NotQuiteCockney · 07/01/2006 20:48

You have to not let him talk his way out of it. What would count as hard proof for him? You catching him actually shagging someone else? Or would he talk his way out of that, too?

Seriously, you knew the last time, what he was up to, and you let yourself be talked out of it - you probably weren't in the right place to deal with all this anyway, with a new baby.

But this time, you'll stand your ground, right?