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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hardest post I've ever written..

152 replies

dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 18:55

..it really is.
I'm sure Custy and Cod will rip pieces off me, I can just see it.

When ds was tiny (about 3 or 4 weeks) I was looking for photos of him on our PC and mistakingly looked in the wrong folder and found loads of pictures of posing girls with their names as the file names (the kind that you would email to someone if meeting up etc) I assumed that it was from my dh's past and didn't think too much of it (after all that is the way we met six years ago)

However about three or four days later I found his lap top downstairs which had not been shut down properly as totally by chance there were loads of chat windows open (private conversations) of a very lewd and sexual nature. I went loopy (blame the sleep deprivation and hormones) and without explanation hit the roof and left my wedding ring on the lap top with the windows still open and packed my bags to leave him. He was devastated and swore on our baby's life that the conversations were not initiated by him but randomly posted by others. When I tackled him about the other photos I had found (including two of his ex colleagues) He appeared to have full explanations for all of these. he sounded so entirely genuine that I was convinced. It took quite a while for me to be convinced though.

Ok well roll on a while and in a strange coincidence today I was searching for some photos to print out for relatives when I came across a strange folder containing not only more picture of girls posing in skimpy clothes (some dating back from last September) but also photos of him digital ones which look like ones he would send out.

I am at my wits end and so upset. All I keep thinking about is how my family is going to be ripped apart. I keep looking at my son and just assuming the worst but I'm just too scared to approach him. I really did feel like a stupid, paranoid insecure idiot last time but this time it's like all of those feeling I had were indeed correct and I'm left feeling numb and like it's the end of our relationship.

We went out today and it was so strange to try to act normal but I couldn't and I kept watching dh like a hawk every time a woman walked past.

I think I am going to lose my mind.

OP posts:
flashingnose · 07/01/2006 19:12

Twiglett, he's accessing it after swearing that it wasn't him last time. Also, porn is anonymous and this isn't.

Twiglett · 07/01/2006 19:13

he might have posted them to a chat site (see member profiles)

he might have been playing around on a photo site trying to make cards / calendars / mugs or other such presents / gifts

he might have been messing around with photo manipulation programmes

there are a hundred reasonable explanations for having photos of yourself

flashingnose · 07/01/2006 19:14
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:14

Twig
Yes I am seething.
Think about it. This is the way he met me (although I never sent pictures of me in skimpy clothing)
I don't think I am over reacting it feels he's toying with the idea and getting off on it so what's the next step? Meeting/shagging these people? Marrying them in 5 years time too? Fathering their children?

You'd be thrilled if your dh was doing this would you?

OP posts:
kama · 07/01/2006 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twiglett · 07/01/2006 19:14

um .. I think anyone confronted with a porn habit may try to strenuously deny it

.. I also think the internet has changed the nature of porn .. it is interactive now

I didn't realise it was pictures of colleagues .. that is surprising and would actually bother me

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:15

They are very flattering photos of him/cropped to show only him (not pervy, nice pix)

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 19:16

Yes, that's true, Twiglett - I read more into the OP than was there re the pics of himself.

I think it's the combination of pics of people he knows, the MSN windows and the porn that's making me suspicious though - if it was just porn, hey ho, everyone gets their rocks off in different ways.

mummytosteven · 07/01/2006 19:16

twiglett - the colleague photos seem to have been the ones in the past, not the current ones btw.

Twiglett · 07/01/2006 19:16

I am not defending the man, I do not know him from Adam

if you would prefer me to just roundly condemn based on what little you have posted then I can do that easily in the spirit of sisterhood

but I am trying, possibly badly, to calm you down and let you see alternative possibilities here

happy to stop if you prefer

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:17

Yes Kama, I know idiot or what?

Don't know his passwords etc. Also (and this makes me even more suspicious) about a month after the first incident he installed a window washer on his pc which deletes everything from the cache, including pages browsed, history etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:19

Oh god |I haven't made myself clear at all.
The pics have not been porn-ish not even soft ones but of other women.

And Twig I have valued your opinion for ages, just a bit touchy tonight.

OP posts:
Mercy · 07/01/2006 19:22

You must tell him what you found and ask him what's going on. Until you do this you are no further forward.

mummytosteven · 07/01/2006 19:22

oh sorry DATR, I misinterpreted "posing" as meaning they were posing in a erm porno sort of way. so the issue is more that you are worried he is meeting girls on the internet?

Twiglett · 07/01/2006 19:22

I didn't mean that to make you feel bad .. of course you are dazed and touchy .. anyone would be .. I was seriously asking if you wanted me to back off .. because it is so raw and sometimes you just want to sound off with people who totally agree rather than have know-it-alls like me bungling along trying to play devil advocate

seriously up to you .. you have my support however you prefer to chat tonight

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:23

I know Mercy. I'm just frightened of doing it(how and when) which has been a bit of an eye opener for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:23

Yes MTS.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:24

Twig I just wish I was doing the usual and posting silly replies to hilarious threads about small willies

Instead I am here.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 07/01/2006 19:24

To me, the fact they're "nice" pics would bother me more than porn, frankly. Would mean more emotion had been invested in getting the pics, possibly - and less raw "phwoar look at the arse on that" sentiment.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:26

Yes Hunker my thoughts exactly. Look at me aren't I a catch type of photos.

All emoticonned out tonight.

OP posts:
Flossam · 07/01/2006 19:27

I'd go absolutely nuts. I can't think of anything constructive to say. I can't make up my mind if I would walk or not. So sorry you have to be going through this.

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:28

I am such a chicken I keep concocting these plans in my head of downloading and saving lots of randoms photos of guys onto my system so that he'll find them and ask me. How bonkers is that?

OP posts:
Enid · 07/01/2006 19:28

god you poor thing

that sounds awful

no advice but sympathy x Enid

Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:28

Me too Flossam, me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
dazedandtherest · 07/01/2006 19:29

Got to do bedtime.

Will be back shortly.

OP posts:
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